Help me work this through - DH has been lying to me.

[RedLentile]

Been together 4 years. He lied to me about porn right at the beginning. I had simply asked what he watched to work out what he liked and he said to my face he didn't watch it. Not an issue at all, relationship was in its very early stages.

We used to live apart (900 miles apart) and to keep the relationship fresh we spoke a lot about sex and masturbation and stuff. One of our 'things' was to not cum when we were very close to being together again. It was always tough but also fun! Again, I find out that he was masturbating throughout, breaking the deal. Again, not a big issue. I was slightly hurt and confused because if he didn't want to do it then why do it?!? He was always the instigator by the way.

We've been living together for two years, sex life has been great, sex every couple of days. Fast forward to this week and he basically hasn't touched me all week. Very unusual. He's claimed being a bit depressed, stress at work (he's a frontline NHS worker) when I raised it and I completely accepted that. He's tried to say that he has instigated sex but I didn't respond. He has literally done nothing other than cuddle into my back for a few moments, nothing to suggest he wanted sex. It was obviously so that he could tell himself that he'd 'tried' and therefore abdicate responsibility so he didn't feel guilty. Knowing him, that's how I read it anyway.

TMI - This morning, we FINALLY had sex. At my instigation. All normal, but he seemed to be struggling to cum. Doesn't bother me, lots of other ways, but he pretended to finish inside me. Then took my hand immediately afterwards and I made him cum, it was clear that this was the first time he'd cum today. I waited a while and then calmly said that I KNOW he didn't cum inside me and that I wanted to know why he dealt with the situation as he had. He lied again and again, insisting I was wrong and he had cum but I very calmly said I KNEW he hadn't and asked him to stop lying to me.

After that he went very quiet and stopped protesting, which is his way if he's guilty. We haven't spoken about it since due to circs.

How would you feel in my situation? I am genuinely lost as to why he lies to me about it. I've suspected before that I haven't pleasured him but he's always denied it. Looking back I can see lots of times when he's lied.

I feel like I could be on the tip of an iceberg here. What am I going to find? Heavy porn use? An affair? Has he simply gone off me to the extent that I don't arouse him any more?? I really don't know what to think and I need to before I talk to him about it so I'm calm and clear.

Sorry, that was so long!

TLDR: DH pretended to orgasm inside me and then lied about it. Repeatedly.

I honestly think you’re being incredibly irrational here. It sounds like you as a couple have come up with some wacky rules about each of you having an orgasm. Dh and I lived on opposite sides of the world before we got married. If he tried to convince me I couldn’t masturbate before I flew over to see him, frankly we probably wouldn’t have gotten married. It’s a bit controlling, even if it seemed mutual, it doesn’t sound very healthy out of context.

That said, lots of people don’t always have an orgasm from penetrative sex, men and women. It’s very normal. I suspect he feels under a lot of pressure to perform and that’s why he didn’t mention it. Though I don’t know who would. I didn’t cum the last time Dh and I had sex (just tired! and I’m not a frontline worker- amazing he can have sex at all frankly). If he had interrogated me about it and made it awkward, I definitely wouldn’t be rushing to do it again soon. It sounds like a lot of pressure on both of you and some rules and expectations that aren’t healthy and sustainable in a good, happy marriage. I would apologise if you upset him and let it go.

Blimey, don't blame the poor bloke for avoiding interrogation for not ejaculating.

That was one of the weirdest threads I've read today, with some competition.

Go out for a walk and regain some perspective.

Seems like quite a lot of pressure over sex tbh, he may feel embarrassed about it and trying to find the easiest way to manage the situation.

He probably finds it easier to fake it than say out loud mid-sex 'I'm not going to come by the way, shall we stop?'

Then if it becomes a deal he feels like he has to lie to keep up the charade.

If sex becomes pressurised, expectation of initiation, expectation of frequency, expectation of coming a certain way and in a certain timeframe, it can inhibit performance, orgasm and also communication if someone feels awkward and that their partner demands explanations from them. They say something to try to relieve that pressure but it backfires and makes the situation worse as they are caught out in the lie.. situation becomes more pressured, partner feels it's better just to not say anything at all.

Are you sure your very active sex life has always been at his instigation? Seems like you analyse it and put quite a lot of pressure on tbh. The fact that you’re saying you finally had sex after what sounds like only a few days makes it seem that way. He’s a frontline NHS worker, but you seem to brush that off and him saying he’s stressed out very quickly.

To me it sounds like he’s been doing a lot to adhere to what you expect of him sexually. And you don’t seem to have given him any consideration about his job and stress.

OP! Just relax! I’m cringing that you interrogated your DP on where and when he had his orgasms! I would NEVER pull my DH up on something like that! It’s his body, his business, he’s lying to avoid a detailed conversation about why and where he came which you would 100% demanded to have. Leave him alone, you sound very controlling. Imagine if a man came in here complaining his wife lied about when she orgasmed. Jesus, he’s be shot down hard.

This just seems like a really unhealthy way of controlling both of your sex lives and what he can and can't do with himself.
I think there's clearly some insecurity with yourself if you're bothered by your partner touching himself or watching porn.

To be honest I don't think your relationship will last very long if you keep up with this attitude.

I can see why you would be annoyed that he pretended.

But how many women fake orgasm's to soothe their partners ego after unfulfilling sex?
He didn't need porn to get off when you used your hand. Maybe the one sensation wasn't working for him and it took another.

The telling each other when to orgasm is weird. But each to their own. I can also understand if he just is not in the mood for sex.
Me and my partner go through stages of having sex and then now for a little bit. Life sometimes gets in the way.

With that said I think I would be annoyed if he lied and said he cum when he didn't, I'll openly admit I didn't cum.

I’m with Luckybe40

Blimey OP, don’t you think he has got enough on his plate at the moment. This really isn’t important in the scheme of things and if I was him I would feel really annoyed . Haven’t you got bigger crap going on to worry about like most folks?

I'm sorry OP, I find it strange that he has to lie in the first place. Why are you questioning him about this stuff? You seem very regimented and tense about your sex life. Leave the bloke alone man.

Have you been cheated on before by any chance?
Sounds like you have a big insecurity around this issue and you're almost determined to find something wrong with him, not because you want there to be but as a means of being able to control it before it leads to anything else.

Btw I get "no cum" rule before seeing each other after a while - me and DH used to do this if we had been apart for a while, as kind of foreplay I guess!

You seem to be putting quite a lot of pressure on sex in your relationship. Perhaps this is why he's lying to you?

My DP and i are both frontline workers. Its tiring, its stressful, it creates a massive amount of anxiety. We come home from work, and just want to take care of each other. We normally have a pretty decent sex life, but its much less at the moment - because we are stressed!! Some people want more sex in scary times, some want less. Sounds like you are the first type and he is the second. Can i suggest that you take the pressure off both of you by just accepting that this is a bit of a dry period for you as a couple, and see how things pan out when the virus abates a bit.

Woah. How would I feel in your situation? Err like I'd lost my damn mind.
This sounds incredibly intense and irrational. Who knew sex lives could be so prescriptive?! Calm the eff down.

I kinda understand OP. He is weird if he comes up with rules and then doesn’t follow them. If porn is a dealbreaker for you then tell him. Say that you’re ok not having sex if he doesn’t feel like it, because you understand he’s under a lot of stress. Maybe do something nice for him like a nice meal and chill?

This has made me feel a bit weird. No wonder the man is struggling. Sex is meant to be fun not an interrogation and scheduled.

Maybe he lied because he feels so under pressure!

Relax.

I could understand if you were TTC, I would get upset too, but Jeeze OP you need to chill out a bit. Me and my OH have a great sex life and we also pleasure ourselves on our own too, there are no rules for cumming, sounds to me like you need to cut him a bit of slack.

Gosh op. You desperately need to calm down. And to try to remember your partner is a whole separate person to you who does not exist just to meet your needs. It is really sad to read how resentful you are of him daring not to be horny, when hes a frontline worker trying to survive such a horrendous time in history. Do you ever think of how down and scared he must be right now?

You sound really intense, demanding and scary tbh. I'm not surprised he doesnt always tell the truth or tries to avoid discussions. And all this drama when he is under stress at work as well, poor man.

Can you not just take a breath, give him a cuddle and see if you can do something for him that relieves stress rather than creates it. It's not great that he lied about porn/etc years ago but is this really the time to create a massive conspiracy theory in your head about your sex life with him??

If he said “I lied about cumming” honestly ask yourself what would your reaction be?

If negative, accusing and whiney then that’s why he’s lying.

I’d ease up on the pressure and questioning.

You sound unhinged and completely unreasonable. He's a frontline worker, stressed, exhausted, and you badger him about something, which quite frankly, is none of your business. I'd be running for the hills of I were him.

Is sex ever fun, or a precursor to an interrogation? Do you hold a score card up or just berate him when you don't think his performance is up to scratch? AND he's Frontline NHS staff, I'll be clapping especially for him on Thursday, sounds like he deserves a bloody medal.

I think the issue is you don’t trust him.