So hurt over end of friendship (trigger: baby loss)

[Waaaaav]

In 2018/2019 I lost two babies, both in the second trimester, within the space of seven months. It was the most heartbreaking thing to go through once, let alone twice, and I'm still grieving a lot over it.

I had someone who I considered to be a best friend. Friends for 15 years, we went through so much together, thought we would always be part of each other's lives.

After I lost the first baby she wasn't a massive support, but still kept in touch. I was a bit hurt she wasn't making more of an effort for me, but still valued her friendship.

I then lost the second baby, and suddenly she was absolutely no support to me. In fact, she seemed to be actively avoiding me. She didn't ring once, or come to see me. She texted once or twice in the weeks after the loss, but when I replied saying what a hard time I was having and how lonely I was it took her 9 days to reply, and even then she didn't acknowledge what I'd said, just a vague 'ok well maybe see you soon xx'

Since then, our friendship has just drifted further and further apart. I sent her a long message last year about how hurt I was that she wasn't there for me, she replied with a massive apology and we met up to talk about it, but she almost made things worse by giving these dreadful excuses as to why she hadn't had time to contact me. That was the only time we've seen each other in person since I lost my second baby.

We hasn't spoken in months and it was really stressing me out, so I texted her a few weeks ago and she said she was so happy to hear from me, and we had a nice text conversation, but still she just seems a bit distant. And when she was telling me all the things that have happened in her life since we last spoke that I didn't know about (Massive things, like moved house, changed jobs) it just made me feel so sad that all this had happened in her life, and that the only reason I've been left out of it all is because my babies died and she feels awkward about it.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I think I just need to vent. I feel like after going through a horrendous experience, I'm now being punished by someone who I thought was meant to be a friend. She's never spoken to me about my babies, never used their names, just pretends they never happened. It's just so hurtful and shit and I don't know why I'm still fighting for the friendship.

How do I let go and move on?

I don't think she's punishing you.
Loss is really hard for some people to deal with and the loss of babies is particularly delicate. It sounds like she wasn't equipped to support you so she pulled back.

Sometimes you just don't know what to say but you know you can't make anything better.

It's a horrible situation that you're in. Neither of you has done anything to the other and yet your relationship has taken a hit.

You're now grieving the loss of a friendship too.

I don't think you two are a lost cause. You both seem like you care about eachother. I would recommend slowly reconnecting.

I wouldn't be so sure that the reason the friendship had cooled is due to the miscarriages. Friendships change for all sorts of reasons and it sounds like she is going through lots of big changes herself.
If indeed she feels bad/awkward about discussing your losses I think you need to respect that. I, for one, would feel very awkward referring to an unborn foetus by a name. I know this is sensitive but I think you'd be better to steer clear of it and see if you can rescue other aspects of your friendship, if you wish to.

Oh OP, what truly shocking losses you have suffered. Dear God, the grief you must feel.

OP, some people are fairweather friends.
That's who they are.

They don't want to be around you and your grief..some people make out that other people's grief is hard for them😳🙄🤔....

It's just who they are.

Vacuous and shallow.

She probably just doesn't want to put the effort in.

I hope you have reached out to organisations to support you, with other women who can fully understand your huge loss.

I'm so sorry

First of all, I'm so truly sorry for your loss. I've been there myself and to think you've gone through it twice is just awful.

I know your friend seems distant, but I doubt it's because of anything personal. Some people are not ready to share/deal with your baggage. My best friend is and ocean away, and I don't remember her being particularly helpful when I went through my loss, but then I don't think she's the type of emotional support anyways, she's rather the 'find the solution', very logical.
I found when I lost my baby that people just didn't talk about it AT ALL. Except for people very very close to me, for example husband and mum. Even my in laws never showed any support at all, so I learned a lot about people during that awful time.

I hope you understand and deal with your grief, please please talk to someone who is close to you about your pain and pm me if you feel like it ❤️

Hugs xx

It sounds as if she's not a bad person just didn't know how to be supportive so took the easy option of not saying anything which is obviously hurtful.

So sorry for your heartbreaking losses.

I think some people just cant deal with other people's emotions.
When my dd died a good friend totally betrayed me. She gave a interview to a reporter from a newspaper. At the time she defended herself by saying she didn't think I would be upset by this.

It ended our friendship. I also found some so called friends ignored me and crossed the road or never mentioned dd again.
It's a very true saying you find out your true friends when you need them.