Really fed up of being sole tidier/cleaner in lockdown

[Earlgrey19]

Huge row today because I’m so fed up of constantly picking up after DH and his constant mess (as well as the kids who are 5 and under), and I asked if we can divide up cleaning and tidying chores at this time of lockdown. As always with this request he reacted with massive indignation: I’m not appreciating all the other stuff for the household. That he organised stuff in the cellar the other day etc. In the 13 years we’ve been together he’s never given a different answer to this question. Yes, very occasionally he’ll suddenly get inspiration to do a big job like the cellar, DIY etc and then nothing again. But I’m talking about sharing the everyday cleaning and tidying. This house would be filthy and total chaos if I didn’t do it all, which he wouldn’t mind as he’s content to live like that. Today I asked him if it’s that he considers it women’s work or somehow beneath him, since he’s never once agreed to have a discussion about cleaning and tidying with me. Now he’s not speaking to me and saying I have anger issues. Need to resolve somehow as it’s intolerable being in conflict in lockdown. We were having a lot of arguments before lockdown but have been trying to get on (before the constant drudgery of doing all the tidying and cleaning got to me). Tried to make a list of chores to share out the other day, so it wouldn’t get to this, but he refused to engage and finds a list ‘snarky’...

It's a respect thing. No respect for you or the menial tasks.

Are either of you working, before or during lockdown? It really depends on how much childcare and paid work each of you does how much of the housework each of you should also do, in my opinion.

Before lockdown, I worked part-time and did the majority of childcare/housework but now DH is furloughed and becausd I'm a key worker I've taken on more work we've swapped.

So you're basically his cleaner, not partner.

That seems to be his attitude.

Yeah, that's why I got rid of mine. It was wonderful when he moved out; lovely tidy house, even with two kids.

He thinks the housework is your job and your job only because he is too important in his own head to do things like that. He is showing you and in turn his children a complete lack of respect. He would not dream of treating his work colleagues or people in the outside world with such disdain either.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I would look at the sticky thread posted at the top of these Relationships pages and start to firm up plans to leave this individual when you are able.

Don’t do it. Leave it.

And do not clear up after him; just clean up after yourself and encourage your children to follow your own example.

Does he take advantage of you in other ways?
I just (pre lockdown) booted a narcissistic male out the door for this sort of thing, among other similar pisstaking reasons. Life is much easier & happier now.

Too Fucking right you have anger issues.
Own that anger. It’s perfectly justified.

The lazy disrespectful slob makes you angry. And it’s a massive issue for you.

Making a list of jobs isn’t snarky. It’s non confrontational, logical and normal. His responses are snarky and not normal. It gets him what he wants though. He gets to avoid a grown up discussion and life carries on. You can’t let this go. He’s taking the utter piss. Write the list and write his name next to his jobs

Are you appreciative of the stuff that he does?

Did you employ a cleaner previously? Does he have some other redeeming qualities like cooking perhaps or earning loads of money that could balance it out? You have to find a solution together not tell him what to do.

My DH doesn't clean or tidy up but we usually have a cleaner and once this lockdown situation is over that's what will happen again. I also do zero ironing at the moment, and laundry is so much easier because I work from home, so those other things save me some time.

He has no respect for you and its unlikely to change

If it is his stuff and annoying you, open a window and lob it out. I have done this.

If he's convinced the jobs you both do are equal then suggest that you swap. From now on you can organise the cellar once a year an do ad hoc DIY, and he can do all the tidying and laundry and dishes every day. Either the jobs are equivalent or they're not. If he won't swap (which he won't) then he's admitting they aren't equal amounts of labour (which they aren't).

If he won’t divide up chores divide them yourself, make a list, stick it up and then just do your bits. I did this years ago with dh, he now does his own washing, bins, floors, garden, share cooking and food shopping, he tidies up after himself as he goes along. If he doesn’t I put his stuff in piles and ignore it.

If you don’t think this will work then clean just up after yourself, and get kids to do the same. All his junk that he leaves around can intermittently be piled in a corner, his clothes left lying around put in a corner, his dirty plates left in a pile with a post it on it with his name, don’t do his washing for him. if he’s going to be petty and unhelpful so can you, he’s an adult and needs to take responsibility for his stuff at the very least (he should also be tidying after young children as they’re his kids too).

Honestly I am not sure it's worth the grief currently because it's such a rubbish time to be arguing. But you have made a stand. I would mentally do half of everything. Especially don't worry about the things that only impact him. My rule of thumb is I clean half the house one week, the other half the next (DH does the other half but if for any reason he didn't I could bear that). Then the day to day clearing is harder but I try to leave what I think is half. I refuse to remind or ask because that makes me the one in charge when it is a shared responsibility. What annoys me the most is when I do more because he is ill/busy whatever, to be nice, he just keeps on doing less and doesn't appreciate or reciprocate.

What does he do whilst you are doing the housework? Is he being lazy or does he occupy the children/garden etc.

However he is being very defensive so you are unlikely to resolve this amicably. I think some men have the thought process that housework "is not for them" so if they are made do it then feel controlled.

If he is consistently like this then not sure it will change. You could try leaving the subject (and his half of chores) alone for a few days. Do what you think is essential for yourself and children. If he isn't such an entitled twat he may have a change of approach.