Not sure where to begin…but if I have to point to an exact time when it all started happening, then I will point to almost 4 years ago when our DS was born.
Our DS was 6 weeks premature so we had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks. I guess, that’s where it all started. DH refused to change DS’s nappy saying that he will do it once we go home. I had stitches down there and in total pain but he didn’t offer any help. I was battling post delivery blues along with pain down there but there was no help from DH. We used to have arguments in the hospital and he used to complain how tired he was but never understood how I felt and how I tired I was. I was literally doing everything - looking after DS and expressing milk while he slept. Anyway, when ever I complained, all he said was that I was kicking off a fuss and always wanting to fight with him. He used to go home during the day time saying that he will do the washing etc but just go sleep and disappear for an entire day. I used to end up talking to doctors and nurses about the progress of DS.
Once we came home, he went back to work. He works full time - trust me, he never helped me with anything. My parents were helping with food, cleaning, washing etc but I was looking after my DS day and night without any rest. DH used to wake up at 5 in the morning and look after till 6 or 6: 30. Thats it. Even then he used moan how is not able to sleep properly (he has moved into the guest bedroom so I wonder why he was still tired). Anyway we didn’t sleep in the same room until DS turned 8 months. DH wanted to stay away for longer but again we had an argument which he won. During this period when ever I said that I was tired, he just used to make face and say that I am always complaining.
DS was in our room in a separate cot until he turned one but I ended up looking after him most of the time. If he didn’t g to sleep straight after the feed, it was always my fault (according to DH).
Moving forward, I went back to work, the relationship just deteriorated. There was no ‘us’ time, whenever I said that we should get a baby sitter and go for date nights, he used to say we don’t have money for that sort of thing, yet we continued to get take aways - we do have money for date nights, we both work in the city. He was just not keen on it.
It all began at the same time - he criticises me for each and everything - why is something not Clean, why haven’t you kept this thing in it’s place etc. He never praised me for anything. He never told me that I was a good person, that I was beautiful, that he loves me. We haven’t had sex since I got pregnant, he never hugs me or says I love. We don’t even talk to each other unless it’s about our house or DS. He always takes all the decisions.He wants everything in our house, his way. I feel like I live in someone's house, not mine. My choices and preferences are always brushed under the carpet. I am not someone who can sit quietly and take it, so I fight back and then few things happen my way but I am so tired of fighting. Basically I am lonely in this relationship.
Anyway, 2 years ago, my health started deteriorating because of all this. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and mild depression (no meds needed). DH didn’t give a F about this information, his attitude continued to be the same - not helping at all and criticising me. I just thought that enough is enough and I asked him for a divorce. He went through the phases for anger, ridicule, threatening saying that I will bring shame to families and then cried. I succumbed to it. We talked and discussed what needs to bet changed. I told him everything. There was a little change - he started contributing and helping me with house work but that’s it. No contribution towards rebuilding the relationship. He assumed that if we are not fighting then all is good. I explained to him that it’s not how the relationships work and told him that we need to go on dates, spend some quality time together just for us.
I did what I could - arranging dates, trying to do things for him. It’s been two years now. We are still the same. No love, no talk, no sex, no empathy. He refuses to divorce me but also he doesn’t love me. I feel stuck. My mental health is getting worse. I keep giving him chances. I feel like I need someone in my life who could love me. I can financially manage on my own even if we separate, I just keep getting worried about my son who is so young. Not sure what to do. I feel dead inside and I know that I can never love him again.
I had suggested relationship counselling so many times but he never agreed. Finally 2 months ago, he agreed after I said that this time I will leave for sure but then covid happened and we all are stuck at home.
I want some help to understand if all men are like this or is it my special situation. Sometimes I question myself and think - am I expecting too much. I am 36 and I got married when I was 25. I don't know! I don't know anything anymore. I am really sad so posting it all here.