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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be hurt by this?

14 replies

hannasbananas · 19/04/2020 10:50

DH's phone flashed a couple of days ago with a notification from a social media app. I snooped (guilty - some may say my fault for looking but hey ho) and he has been searching the app, looking for naked pics/videos of women. I'm not naive to porn, or annoyed about him watching it... however I don't expect to see phone notifications of 'so and so has added a new video.' It’s like a kick in the teeth. I didn't confront however I did leave the app open on the search history so I think he knows I've seen it.

We had DS a year ago and I've never felt so low about my own body, as I'm sure lots of new mums can sympathise with as things change and just aren’t quite the same as they were before.

DH and I, our relationship has been fairly strained with the stress of a new baby and we have barely been intimate since.

Usually I put DS to sleep at night, have dinner and then go to bed myself knackered. DH comes to bed much later, he says he isn’t tired. Maybe this is what he’s sat downstairs doing.

Part of me feels like he is avoiding having sex with me by choosing not to come to bed with me. It’s not like I go to bed at 8pm, it is usually around 11. It's like he's avoiding the only chance that we would actually get to do it.

I get up with DS every morning about 7, while he lays in till 10/11am. (Currently on lockdown but this is always the same at weekends too.) DH has quite a high pressured job and works long corporate hours, however as we are all off work now - I would have expected some more help. DH does say he will get up with him, just to ask him. I don’t want to have to ask, I just want the help without asking. Is that too much to ask?!

I know he loves me, but part of me feels like maybe DH just doesn't fancy me anymore and that's a hard pill to swallow. Maybe I am just paranoid. I know sometimes that’s just the way life is with a new baby however I would have expected things to get better by now.

As you can imagine, this has made me feel even worse about my own body image. In fairness, I have never discussed my body issues to DH. To make matters worse, the girls he was looking at, had huge fake boobs and after EBF for a year, mine have taken a trip south! Like I said, in fairness to DH, I have never explained just how unhappy I am about my image but I just feel like leaving that app to send notifications, was careless and thoughtless.

I can't help but feel hurt but am I being unreasonable to be annoyed and question whether there is more to this?

OP posts:

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 19/04/2020 10:54

Of course it is hurtful and horrible. It is also demeaning to you both as is porn. You may want to tell him how you feel. If your sex life has not ully recovered this will not help and it would not be unreasonable to tell him this. Is his body buff perfect?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/04/2020 11:22

To be fair, he probably didn’t expect you to invade his privacy and look at his phone. If you have to snoop then the relationship has issues imo.

Have you had an actual conversation about making time together? That may tell you a lot.

If you’re not happy with your body image then maybe now is the time to change it whilst you are both home and have the time to exercise and meal plan etc.

springydaff · 19/04/2020 11:31

I don't bland you feeling rubbish about this op 💐

But AIBU is not the place to post this. Do get it moved to Relationships, a much kinder place.

springydaff · 19/04/2020 11:31

*blame not bland

Wtaf12344 · 19/04/2020 12:15

I’m going through the exact same thing, this isolation has highlighted that maybe I am not the woman for him, Have a look at the thread I started ... I feel less like a woman than ever! I just want him to go

Original poster

hannasbananas · 19/04/2020 13:13

@NoMorePoliticsPlease thank you for your reply. I want to talk to him but I don't know where to start. I have asked him before to spend more time with me i.e. coming to bed at a reasonable time instead of 2/3am. He did it once or twice. Then back to the same routine. No he's not perfect but the lack of self confidence is my problem I suppose, considering that I haven't shared with him

OP posts:

Original poster

hannasbananas · 19/04/2020 13:17

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I'm not usually one to snoop. I don't believe he's cheating or untrustworthy etc so I never have reason to look. His phone happened to be next to me when this popped up. I believe you are probably right in that there are bigger issues than this.
My body image issues don't really stem from being overweight. It's more my boobs tbh, I hate them and no amount of exercise will bring them back!

OP posts:

Original poster

hannasbananas · 19/04/2020 13:18

@springydaff thank you, I'll look at getting it moved x

OP posts:

Tomoveornotomove2 · 19/04/2020 13:18

IceCreamAndCandyfloss - you are is without a doubt an ass

Original poster

hannasbananas · 19/04/2020 13:19

@Wtaf12344 thank you! Can you link your post please? I've had a look and can't see it

OP posts:

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 19/04/2020 13:23

We're just moving this over to relationships for the OP.

user1493413286 · 19/04/2020 13:30

I can understand how you feel particularly since having a baby. I don’t think he meant to be thoughtless as I imagine he didn’t think you’d see it on his phone. I know it’s not easy but I think there’s a good chance a lot of this can be sorted by talking to him as you don’t know what he’s thinking or wants until you do.
Also unless you have someone else living with you then there’s no reason that you have to go to bed at the same time to then have sex; DH and I have never really gone to bed together and it has no impact on our sex life

Fudgewhizz · 19/04/2020 13:38

I think he's being quite selfish not ever getting up in the morning with you DS - no, it's not too much to ask. Suggest taking it in turns while you're both off. If he wants to go to bed late when he knows he's got to be up early with DS then that's his lookout.

Ignore @IceCreamAndCandyfloss who seems to be suggesting this is all your fault (?!). You do however need to keep the lines of communication open - yes, the things you've said would in an ideal world be obvious to your DH but they're clearly not. One tip I learned it to say how something makes you feel (eg 'when you do this it makes me feel like X') rather than saying absolute statements ('you always / never...') which can sound accusatory. Tell him what you need, and don't feel bad for standing up for yourself.

billy1966 · 19/04/2020 14:36

OP, of course this is hurtful.

He sounds very very selfish.

He shouldn't have to be asked to get up with his child some mornings.

Telk him NOW that he is tp sort out every second morning going forward aa he is off.

OP, your relationship is doomed if you dont deal with his selfishness and disrespect.

You deserve better.

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