Just had a massive argument with husband regarding drinking

[Boomchikka]

I’ve had enough of his drinking. He drinks every 2/3 nights, gets so drunk and rolls in to bed at around 4am. We have two kids 3 & 6.

On Friday morning I told him he needs to cut it out, I hate it and there’s no need for it. Once a week is more than enough surely (I’m not a big drinker so don’t know the norm). He said sorry and that was that.

Last night he starts secretly drinking in the kitchen and comes to bed at 4.15 this morning. Ive just fell out with him and now it’s awkward. He’s always drank, before lockdown he was probably drunk twice a week.

I hate confrontation and arguments and just want to go and speak to him and say forget about it but at the same time why should I???

Sounds like he has a drink problem but he is in denial. He will get angry as you are attacking something very very important to him. He will not be logical.

You need to be very clear with him that this is not working for you. I suggest you have a look at the al anon website. You will not change him by going on at him (I say this from bitter experience). But ultimately he is being very unfair and you have 2 young children it’s really hard.

So, when he is recovered and sober have the discussion along the lines of “it is not working for me”; see how that pans out... his answers will tell you a lot. It could be that you need to get very serious and let him know you cannot live like this.

Obviously during lockdown the ultimatum is difficult, but I would suggest this is where you may get to if he won’t change his habits .

Can't offer much. My ex-wife was secretly drinking, we ended up divorced.

He’s blaming the lockdown for his drinking but he still got drunk twice a week before hand and that’s still not normal I wouldn’t say.

I felt I was really serious 2 days ago and he apologised and seemed to mean it. I was serious this morning and he just said nothing and walked off. I’m definitely going to say to him today that this “routine” is not working for me and will be interesting to see what he says.

He’s not a horrible drunk or anything like that but he’s just a different person, he laughs at things he doesn’t usually laugh at, he wants to actually have proper chats which he never usually does. Sometimes it’s not all bad.

Sometimes he asks me if he can have a drink or will say, would u mind if I have a drink? He never asks me for permission for anything else in life and he knows I would never say no. So I don’t know why he asks?? I’m far from controlling. It’s like he knows it’s wrong so that’s why he asks but I literally couldn’t say no because I feel that would make me controlling.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He uses your dislike of confrontation and arguments against you here too. BTW was your childhood home also an argumentative and or shouty household?. That may be why you dislike this so much now.

Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking and or telling them to cut is white noise to him. It is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. Stop doing with all this to yourself and your kids. He is in denial and is also likely badly underestimating how much he is actually drinking. You are basically lurching in your household from one crisis to another; its not stable in your home and your house is also no sanctuary for your kids.

You cannot rescue and or save him but you can and should save your own self and your kids here. Put yourself and your children first now and get your drunkard H out of your day to day lives by divorcing him. There is really no other option open to you. His primary relationship is with drink in any case, its certainly not with you or for that matter your children. Alcohol is first and foremost in his mind and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Sound travels too. They will and are indeed absorbing all that is happening here including your reactions to same both spoken and unspoken.

I don’t get very much out of it being honest. I feel trapped. I’m 27 and he’s 38, the age gap is getting more and more noticeable I think.

My house wasn’t a shouty environment at all. My dad was grumpy and moody and if he was in a bad mood the house had a horrendous atmosphere but my mum was always quiet and always wanted to try and help him and stop the tension.

Even though my kids are young I tell myself that they are too young to know what’s going on and what his drinking is actually doing but I’m probably just lying to myself

Hi Boomchikka

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. I would urge you to seek legal advice for your own self asap even if you do not act on it immediately as knowledge here is power. There are resources out there who can help you; Al-anon is one, Solicitors are another.

Your H will continue to have and fund excuses for drinking; now its the lockdown.

Re your comment:-
"My dad was grumpy and moody and if he was in a bad mood the house had a horrendous atmosphere but my mum was always quiet and always wanted to try and help him and stop the tension".

You learnt a lot of damaging lessons on relationships when you were growing up. Seeing all that would have indeed had an effect on you to present day; small wonder you do not like confrontation and shouting. You perhaps try and do the same now re stopping the tension as she tried - and failed - to do. BTW are they still together?.

Please do not lie to yourself by telling yourself that your children are too young to know what is going on. They do know that something is very much wrong here between mum and dad even though they cannot express it. They pick up on all the vibes here; both spoken and unspoken.

@Boomchikka. I really feel for you. You see your role as keeping things good for the kids. I was like that too; I never wanted to split. In the end my per era drinking became impossible to live with; he was also putting them at risk. Please look into codependence: and think about your plans; how can you get out of this. Doesn’t need to be tomorrow. But does need to happen.

I wasted about 8 years trying to get things to improve. I should have left when my youngest was 4 months old and his dad was drunk on vodka at 5 pm. Why didn’t I? I wanted to make it work and support him. It took me a long time to realise you can’t do this alone

Per era = partner’s

"My dad was grumpy and moody and if he was in a bad mood the house had a horrendous atmosphere but my mum was always quiet and always wanted to try and help him and stop the tension".

I'm afraid you're repeating history OP, I also grew up in a house where one persons mood dictated the mood of the entire house.

Because that mood wasnt always horrific, my mum felt it wasn't that bad for us so she just tried to keep the peace and keep us walking on eggshells to minimise the risk of tipping him over into a bad mood.

It made us anxious and normalised someone dictating other people's moods - took me ages to work out that isn't normal!

Sorry you're having a shit time, I hope he can step up but he sounds like he wants you to just let him get on with that and that isn't good enough - not fair on you or the kids at all. You can do better than someone that selfish

Thanks for the replies everyone.

It definitely all makes sense.

We still haven’t spoken today. I know he’s suffering with a hangover which I’m happy about. Tonight he will probably be bedded early because he’s so tired so will have a look on Al-anon website tonight.