Relationship breakdown in quarantine

[weezybob]

I'm sure I'm not going to be the only one who is in this situation but this is ruining me.

10 years together, 5 yr old, been together since I was 18 and first love/only bf.

The relationship has never been perfect, very volatile and toxic. We convinced ourself it was just our fieriness for a while and that it was worth it. There has been some physical bouts too, from both sides I'm ashamed to admit.

There has been 'others' involved in the past, with him it was 5 yrs ago and he left. I was broken, left my job, had a 1 yr old to tend to and completely lost myself. We get back together after him telling me he wants to come home and we were still sleeping together and he always said he loved me.

Things were ok, I don't think the trust ever came back and I was secretly consumed by bitterness. We okie along, 1 good day 1 bad, talking about more children and mortgaging. He wanted marriage, I didn't.

I became friends with another guy and oh handled it really badly. He went on tablets for his anxiety and accused me of cheating - he says he doesn't believe I cheated but he has no trust in me. He throws this in my face about the tablets and says he regrets that he went on tablets for this relationship.

He has threatened to leave a few times and tbh most times it's me falling soft and telling him I don't want him to go and we end up working it out.

Sex used to be great but really died in the last year as he used to tell me I had to give him it as it was what he needed so I think it changed my mind set about it, and I know he feels it as we used to be so active.

Upon reflection of everything I have let myself go, I lack drive, I drink a lot and I'm not very self sufficient or financially savvy. During this quarantine it's been up and down again, he is very close with women at work and has changed all his passwords on his phone. Awful memories or last time and red flags I know. I get upset but I brush it off, probably wishful thinking that I still mean something to him??

Everything came to a head 2 days ago, he said he doesn't love me anymore and that he is 99% sure that this is what he wants. He doesn't want to give me hope and said he wants to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be with him. I will admit he has tried to spend time with me, sometimes I agree and we have a good time, usually it's me who says no so I have to take accountability for that.

He was unsympathetic whilst saying it and was even smirking which I found to be patronising and cruel as I was sobbing so uncontrollably that I had a panic attack.

Currently at my sisters house- as per the new quarantine rules about needing a break as being at the house is just awful - even with dc there I'm still not distracted. Dc often tells us to stop arguing which breaks my heart, I don't want his memories tainted about his childhood, especially now with this.

I really need some advice on how to carry myself through this, I've already started trying to 'better myself' but I know that's in the slight hope he may love me again, even though I know the relationship is pretty dead. How can I muster the strength to move on and be happy? And why is it so damn hard for me to let him go, after all the crap in the past?

I now find myself thinking of all the nice memories and regretting being such a cow over all the years.

Any advice would be absolutely fantastic as I'm really struggling... only 2 days in

Thank you

I think you need to try and keep emotions out of if and look at the facts. Neither of you are happy and he clearly wants to go.

This will be the first time as an adult you have been on your own and that is probably why you feel afraid.

You need to embrace this split and work on bring an independent, single adult.

This relationship is not going to suddenly make you happy, it's clearly done. Hanging on is just dragging out the inevitable.

Accept change is fearful, but understand the importance of being able to rely on yourself. You will make much better relationship choices in the future when you don't 'need' someone.

It seems like your relationship has always been a mess. Sometimes it's better to let things go, it's too broken and wrong. You're clinging on to something that's quite destructive and dysfunctional.

If you want to change and better yourself, do it for you, not to try to win him back.

Thanks for the replies, I knew what the replies would say and I know it's the truth I just really don't know how I can allow myself to move on.

I'm afraid that there never will be anyone else, and he is going to move on and be happier as I do think for him the grass will be greener on the other side.

I need to be out of the house for now which I don't know if is the right thing to do.

I know they say the first cut is the deepest but even after all the crap there is still something there for me which is making it harder, as I'm fighting between head and heart.

You're, what, 28 or so?

Listen, you have your whole life ahead of you, and there are tons of men, better men. You've only ever been with him, and I get that it's scary, but there's more to life than struggling and struggling to make something wrong right. Relationships shouldn't look like this and should be this hard.

Your self-esteem has taken a battering, but you do deserve better than this. If you're just brave now and accept it's going to be painful for a bit and go through with breaking up properly and finally (no sleeping with him and little contact), in a year or two, you won't know yourself.

Shouldn't be this hard!

This was me 7 years ago except our son was 2. My ex had already started an emotional affair with his friend’s sister and over the 10 years together I’d really grown to dislike him. He was incredibly selfish and pestered me for sex constantly, to the point I’d give in and just lie there like a corpse thinking he was give up but he never would. But then I met this man who made me feel good about myself again, I didn’t have an affair but it gave me the push I needed to walk away. I left with my 2 year old and started again, even left him the house because I felt guilty for breaking up the family like an idiot. 7 years on I’m married to a fantastic man, I’ve had another son and we’ve just bought a house together after a few years of renting. It hasn’t been easy but I’m so glad I changed my life when I did. Good luck!

Similar thing happened to my friend - I think she hung on for so long because she found the alternative too scary. A year on and they are both so much happier, the kids are fine, and she's found someone who is lovely and so much better for her. It'll be hard but let go and you'll be fine.

I know what you're all saying is right, and I'd say the exact same thing if it was a friend etc but it's so much harder to take the advice you know is right and actually swallow that pill.

We did have a general conversation today, nothing about a plan but it was more refreshing to not have an argument tbh. I stayed out most of the day but was in contact about dc who was fine, regardless of the guilt I felt for being out most of the day.

I can't put all my eggs in one basket and expect the civil convo to be anything else. The hold he has on me is incomprehensible given he's so adamant that there is nothing left for me on his side.

I really appreciate all the replies and it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this, even though it feels that way right now.