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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stuck in lockdown with toxic dad

23 replies

OhButWhatIfIFly · 19/04/2020 07:41

NC for this because it is quite outing.

I need some advice on where to turn and this board has been tremendous support when leaving my abusive XH.

Basically I left my abusive husband last year, I ended up in serious amounts of debt trying to keep a roof over mine and DD's head, we were living in a hostel for victims of DV but couldn't afford the rent even on a teacher's salary. My XH promised me he would make it financially impossible for me to leave him and put every possible thing he could think of through the court so I was getting more and more into debt fighting the constant cases (which I could always fight and win as they were ridiculous e.g. Him claiming I was preventing access when I was doing all the taxiing to allow for weekly contact etc). This is all relevant because it meant I had serious debt, not able to afford our last chance of a home etc.

My parents offered me the chance of moving back into the family home so I could start saving, pay off my debts and get back on my feet. I had no other choice.

My dad has always been really mean. His home is his castle. As a woman it is my duty to serve him and if i don't, I get yelled at, the silent treatment etc. I am expected to clean the entire house (6 bedrooms, 3 floors) as well as take care of my 2 year old, make him his cups of tea and somehow work full time. I'm exhausted. The other day, I made my daughter her dinner which involved beans and so it got quite messy, I then put her straight in the bath. Because I chose to bath dd instead of cleaning the kitchen immediately (I would have done it after bath) I got a massive bollocking about how I am lazy, selfish and a shit parent. Yesterday, dd was making every excuse why she couldn't go to bed (I need my bunny, I need a drink, i need another wee etc), so I took her to the potty and took her straight back to bed. Every intention of cleaning and disinfecting the potty once she was back in bed, but instead he got really nasty about how I am a shit parent, I will give her infections etc. Today he started throwing things across the kitchen and swearing because I asked him not to use my mushrooms (I have to buy my own food, I'm not allowed to use his food) as I meal plan and being a single parent, I don't know when the next chance will be to go to the supermarket. He wouldn't replace the food.

Anyway, it's got to the stage where I am constantly afraid of his outbursts. He's so angry all of the time, I can't even breathe without an angry outburst. I need out but I have no idea what to do or where to turn. I have no idea if refuge would even look at me because he's my dad, not a spouse. I just feel things are escalating now we are in lockdown, and I have no where to turn. I had a conversation with my mum (she's a social worker working with vulnerable adults) and she says she knows the way he treats us is abuse and if any woman came to her in a professional capacity, she would have to put in safeguarding measures to protect them. But she doesn't stand up to him at home.

OP posts:

Breastfeedingworries · 19/04/2020 07:45

Someone will come along with advice but
That’s a truly terrible situation. Your ex sounds horrible as does your dad.

I think you should pack up and leave I’m sure you can, did he abuse you as a child? Or is it just been since you left? As if state those facts too.

pallasathena · 19/04/2020 07:56

Would it help if you challenged him? By that I mean shouting back, getting assertive etc. He sounds like a classic bully OP.
Bullies are cowards.
If you threatened him with the police and quoted the law on coercive control...it might help?

TKAAHUARTG · 19/04/2020 07:58

Is your mum there too? What is she like? Your dad sounds like a right cunt.

PippaPegg · 19/04/2020 08:03

Shout back. What is he going to do, hit you? At which point you call the police for him to be arrested and charged with assault or whatever.

You are not a child, you don't need to act like one any more. Just because your mum isn't standing up to him doesn't mean you have to follow suit.

CheddarGorgeous · 19/04/2020 08:05

Get together with your mum and get a non molestation and occupancy order and sling his arse out?

Seriously. Stand up to the nasty bully.

Original poster

OhButWhatIfIFly · 19/04/2020 08:10

I've tried standing up to him and it just escalates his anger. He used to hit us as a child but he doesn't anymore but I have to admit, I'm scared now his anger is getting worse, he might start.
My mum won't leave him, she makes excuses saying he's stressed because of his job, covid19 etc

OP posts:

soannya · 19/04/2020 08:11

How awful and your mum allows it! He’s a bully. Tell him to “F off”. Disgusting man. If you’ve got 6 bedrooms then avoid him. Tell him you want nothing to do with him. Don’t clean the house. Clean the spaces you and your daughter use. If he starts yelling, walk away into another room and shut the door. Walk outside away from him. Time to start being the adult and telling him to pack it in. Why does your mother let him do this!

pallasathena · 19/04/2020 08:19

@soannya
victim blaming the mother?

CheddarGorgeous · 19/04/2020 08:26

What would he actually do if you didn't clean the house from top to bottom?

Original poster

OhButWhatIfIFly · 19/04/2020 08:28

@CheddarGorgeous it sounds ridiculous but I would definitely get yelled at and called lazy, selfish etc. I have just been trying to avoid conflict at all costs.

OP posts:

CheddarGorgeous · 19/04/2020 08:32

So it's not pleasant being yelled at and being called names. But he's being ridiculous. You know that. You know you are a great mum and a perfectly normal human being.

Can you detach emotionally. Grey rock or just laugh (internally) at his demented rants?

He has no power over you. If he hits you he's lost. You can call the police and then it's game over for him. He knows that.

LonelyFromCorona · 19/04/2020 08:34

Find a small 2 or 3 bed and you and your mother could rent it and escape this man? Are you furloughed on teacher salary?

CheddarGorgeous · 19/04/2020 08:37

So it's not pleasant being yelled at and being called names. But he's being ridiculous. You know that. You know you are a great mum and a perfectly normal human being.

Can you detach emotionally. Grey rock or just laugh (internally) at his demented rants?

He has no power over you. If he hits you he's lost. You can call the police and then it's game over for him. He knows that.

CheddarGorgeous · 19/04/2020 08:41

Sorry for the double post

Original poster

OhButWhatIfIFly · 19/04/2020 09:14

@LonelyFromCoronai have tried to find somewhere to private rent but no one is allowing me to move until after lockdown is over.

@CheddarGorgeous OK I will try and grey rock him. I've realised I've cared about what he thinks and just been constantly after his approval. I'm not even sure why 😳

OP posts:

pallasathena · 19/04/2020 09:39

Buy "Why Does He Do That?" off Amazon.
Life changing OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2020 09:51

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

You do not need their approval as an adult, not that your brute of a father would ever give it to you anyway. And your mother continues to throw you under the bus.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; look at what yours taught you. It is really no coincidence that you went on to marry someone abusive yourself; that is what you were taught by these people. Your mother too will in all likelihood remain with this man for the rest of her days for her own reasons; she has also failed you completely as a parent here. You cannot save her but you can certainly save your own self here and your DD.

Are you in a union OP; if so use their resources/advice too.

Grey rock may work short term but that technique can be in itself exhausting. You really do need to get out of there somehow and sooner rather than later OP; your daughter is seeing both you as her mother and her grandmother being abused on a daily basis. This is no life for her either and she will be affected by all this too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2020 09:54

Have a look too at the sticky thread at the head of these Relationships pages; there are resources there you can contact.

Gobbycop · 19/04/2020 14:21

Tell him to shut the fuck up.

CheddarGorgeous · 19/04/2020 14:28

Sending you strength OP. It's hard to detach from a parent who is supposed to love and protect you but it sounds like your dad is a nasty violent bully.

You don't need his approval. Just do what you have to do to keep your DD safe and happy, the rest doesn't matter.

And when you leave his house you never have to see him again.

Taciturn · 19/04/2020 14:32

"moving house" is permitted during the lock down. If you have found a place then mention this, and keep looking until you find one who will let you move in immediately.

heyday · 19/04/2020 15:00

Why are you expected to clean the whole house? Who was doing that before you moved there? Do you have to pay rent to him? He is obviously a very sick man to say the things he says to you. I guess he has always been a bully and he has always got away with it! Try to let his nastiness go over your head as much as you can, save hard and get out of there as soon as you possibly can. Be strong!

12345kbm · 19/04/2020 15:03

OP this is considered domestic abuse. Domestic abuse doesn't just include intimate partner violence, it also includes familial abuse. You have to get away for the sake of your daughter who is in another abusive household.

Contact your local domestic abuse organisation for advice and information.

Contact the council about housing. How council's handle domestic abuse differs but you may be lucky with emergency housing. The council should have their own domestic abuse services which are joined up.

I'm concerned about the debt you got into as housing benefit can pay for refuges/hostels. Have you contacted anyone about the debt? If not, get in contact with the National Debtline.

Once you're away, you really need to do a course, either the Freedom Programme or something similar your local dv organisation may run. They often do group counselling or courses for those who have experienced domestic abuse.

Somewhere like the Citizen's Advice can also help with your debt management but you can contact the Debt helpline on Monday regarding that.

Between the council and your local domestic abuse organisation, you should get the help you need. If not, contact Refuge. All the details you need are under the pinned post: On lock down with an abuser'.

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