Positive stories - it is actually me and not them

[clock87]

Hi

Hope everyone is well considering

I’m 32 and single I feel I’ve been single my entire life bare one year relationship and a couple on mini ones here and there

As time goes on I’m just feeling there honestly isn’t someone out there for me and I don’t know what to do

I’ve taken a step back from dating after see ing a guy who was super keen on for him to trade me in for someone else
It brings me on to my other question they guys always seem to have the happy ending, while me left with the rejection and heartbreak

Am I really that undesirable that it’s easy for guys to find someone better?

I read a article that said if it keeps happening it’s you, I don’t know how to be anybody else

Thanks x

What's so wrong with remaining single?

Because she doesn't want to be and is not at all unusual in that.🙄

OP i can see how it is baffling, are you unconsciously attracted to the wrong people. Might be worth exploring character traits that you are attracted to.

Finding someone who you are into, who suits you, who wants a relationship at the same time as you and vice versa is not easy.

It's a numbers game, it's a crap shoot, it's something you have to approach quite ruthlessly and stoically. There's no point in getting invested until you see if it's going to turn into something, keep seeing several people, keep looking (you don't have to be having sex with all or any of them) then you won't be so invested if things don't pan out.

You need to have s dating strategy with numerous strands - online, hobbies, meetups, drinks out etc so you're meeting as many people as you can. If you're not meeting people (friends/acquaintances as well as men as you can meet someone through them) - you have to keep expanding & changing your activities. Some possible sports activities are tennis, rock climbing (indoor etc), running/park run, cycling .. or just try to get into volunteering/helping with sports etc events if you're not sporty.

The Rules and Men Love Bitches are not perfect but are good books in terms of the right attitude. I'm sure there are other books or sites posters can recommend

Don't let yourself have a scarcity mentality (focusing too much on one man until he's shown he's capable of sustained, consistent interest & commitment several months down the line), thinking like you won't meet someone else, possibly coming across as desperate etc.)

Don't change, be who you are. It's hard finding someone but being your authentic self matters imo otherwise you may always feel conflicted. Don't lose faith in who you are. Finding someone takes time

@sofato5miles

Well her actions would suggest that she does indeed like being single, on some level, on account of her being so and with no real long term relationship to talk of. If you let her answer the question then maybe we can coax out little more info on what she likes and dislikes about the whole thing.

I was single for what seemed my whole adult life. I'd dated but it never really amounted to anything. I realised that I needed to be more pragmatic and think long and hard about what I wanted and what I genuinely needed. Otherwise how will you ever get the right relationship.
It doesn't just happen, on some level you need to take responsibility and decide what you are going to go for. Also if you continue dating men who maybe have red flags or you're forcing yourself to like then you need to own up to it and stop!
I realised I needed a partner, I also wanted an equal set up is I wasn't babying them or pandering to them and a man who wasn't childish or insecure, who worked hard was kind, funny, intelligent but more than that...we clicked and there was chemistry
And you're in a good position because you have to be happy single and only wanted to give this up when I realised this person made my life even better.
Also don't dismiss people you wouldn't tend to normally go for.
I'm met my fiancé 20 months ago on a dating app. He wasn't my usual type (thank god!) And he's 8 years older and was going through a divorce (something I was dead against).

I'm now 36 and we are getting married soon .. unfortunately we had to cancel our first wedding due to the lock down. We hope to start a family once we finally get married. Hopefully later this year.

Ps good luck! Use this time to really think about what you would like in your partner x

@oofadoofa if I enjoyed being single surely I wouldn’t be on here asking for advice

I also recommend why men love bitches, although I don't agree with everything she says in the book, it makes very good points about where so many women go wrong once they start dating someone.

I would suggest reading that and similar books and then reassess who and how you date.

@clock87
So out of interest, you’re saying that you fully, 100% and without any questions hate being single 100% of the time? Or in other words, there’s not one single thing that you like about being single?

Genuine question.

Nope been single for too long bored of it @oofadoofa

It's the men you're attracted to...not you. Well it IS you in that you seem to be attracted to men who aren't right for you.

Are you looking at the same type of men each time? Are they all similar in profession and age etc?

Fortunes I agree that it may well be the case (my issue too) and I see this statement often on similr threads, but how on earth do you change who you are attracted to? Without pyaing for a genius, expensive therapist - aer there any realistic methods to change what excites you?

I personally think that if something keeps happening then the common denominator is you. It is not to say change your whole being or you deserve to be alone etc it just means therr is an unhelpful pattern that you keep repeating. This needs to be explored. It could be that you consistently overlook flags or go for hopelessly wrong guys for example.

I don't think you should think that there is something you should be doing differently. I think it is the nature of modern dating that we can be easily dumped for someone else as there are so many easy options with dating sites.

Have you been ignoring red flags because you have feelings for this person you were seeing? It's easily done.

Dating is a numbers game and it's not easy to find the right person.

Use the lockdown as a time to get over this person who has hurt you. When lockdown is over and you are ready you could date again.

I've been in the same position as you. That was about 6 years ago and I was really hurt. I am totally over him now but I can totally relate OP.

@somuchchocolate @FortunesFave @CatAndHisKit @HappyBirthdayQueenieMarm

Thank you all for your responses I will take note...

TBH I worry if my personality is just too I don’t know strange

More normal guys I feel I’m too liberal for seems they want a more conventional girl and the more hipster sort don’t think I’m cool enough (they are always into art and being alternative) As cute as hipsters are I don’t find that constant need to appear cool slightly annoying

Most of my exes wanted me to fit into a box and it’s just me I’d say my strengths are humour I’m always up for trying new things and keeping healthy, I’ve started script writing again

I dunno in just feel I don’t fit in so much so that I feel there isn’t someone out there for me

What do you want from a partner?
What is it you like about yourself most?
What do you enjoy doing with someone?
Have you just settled before? (I’ve done that my entire life I think and in fact often reject people who might have been suited)...