Untrustworthy behaviour and feeling lonely

[shawly]

I have been married 17 years. About 2 years ago, I found out that my husband had been visiting massage parlours. I was shocked as he gave every appearance of being a devoted family man. He asked for another chance, I gave it and he went to a therapist. Several months after he started to see a therapist, he started to cancel sessions because of work and sometimes because his therapist cancelled, or so he said. I believed that he wasn't visiting massage parlours but things didn't feel right.

In November, I noticed on my Instagram feed that we were following a mutual social media account and he had been paying lavish compliments to a minor celebrity. I clicked on his following list and saw that he was following dozens of younger women from all over the world and spamming them with compliments. I asked to see his account messages and found he had direct messaged a number of them. It was pathetic and I felt humiliated. Again, I was shocked as the style and vocab that he used was so different to him in real life. I kicked him out but relented and let him back at Christmas to sleep in the spare room.

We have been going to Relate since January, it came out there that he was a compulsive porn user. He said he has stopped that now, he has deleted all social media, leaves his devices unlocked and doesn't carry them around with him. He is still seeing his personal therapist, electronically during lockdown. He was diagnosed with severe depression in February and is taking medication. He has anxiety issues also and has asked that I manage all our finances as he stresses about money in particular

I cannot connect with him as he is not articulate about his feelings and I feel he isn't sincere when talking about us. Also, he misled me in Relate when he offered up that he had distanced himself from his mother as she had been hurtful to me and separately to him. It turns out that he was exchanging pleasantries with her the same day that he was making these statements about putting her out of our lives. I don't mind that he is in contact with her but I feel betrayed that he would make a big deal about standing up for me and actually be insincere.

He has begged me to keep trying in the relationship. I would like us to work but he is such a hypocrite, along with the betrayals, I feel so unsteady in the relationship. He says he now gets that he is a hypocrite and why it is wrong but I would have thought anyone would know that.

Two of our children are at uni and one is at senior school, they are fed up with us. We are still sleeping separately but when we were intimate, it was fulfilling.

I'm feeling very isolated, my family dislike him, my eldest is very disappointed in him and my friends think he is a fool. I haven't asked my family or friends for support but they have been judgemental about me taking him back which makes me very sad and I feel bad about myself.

I hate the thought of going back to building a new life, I'm 49 and my youngest is 13. Also, it is hard to give up, I have strong feelings for how we once were. I think he is remorseful but currently too immature to put in the hard work to truly examine his behaviour and affect change.

Has anyone out there been through something similar or is able to emphasize?

I’m so sorry. His behaviour is despicable, he has lied to you and I doubt that he will change.

Can you leave him after lockdown and is this what you want?

I will get slated for saying this, but affairs are so commonplace I wonder if there IS an alternative option. I’m aware that my father had affairs/porn etc through his marriage to my mum. He passed away recently. My uncle also had affairs. Both my mum and my aunt stayed in the marriage. He sounds like a man with a high sex drive who is not monogamous. There is a huge social pressure for marriage/monogamy - and I think many people follow this life pattern without really thinking how it will work for them in future years. If my DP had an affair - to a certain extent - it wouldn’t surprise me as we have 2 children and are no longer intimate. I wouldn’t leave him. The financial security and love he gives to our children is more important to me than my own needs - and if he is seeking sex elsewhere, I would simply do the same. This is just my opinion, and please don’t be swayed if this offends you.

Is he too immature to express his feelings or unable to through fear of being vilified? (Which he deserves!!)

he's lied to you, you can't trust him and he's messaged other women. Add in a porn addiction and I would ask you why you are contemplating staying with him?

Staying with him because of how you used to be isn't good enough.

It's ok to start again! I did it at 45 and have never looked back. My children ask my why I didn't leave earlier, and it's one of my biggest regrets that I held onto that marriage because of some misguided feeling that I ought to keep the marriage together for the sake of the children. Bollocks to that!

You've taken him back 3 times, each time he's let you down. I really think it's time to move on.

Thank you @unpopularperson. I am not trapped, I have resources and a place to go if I want. I feel a bit like you, it seems to be that men are largely unfaithful, one way or another, that is soooooo depressing. There is no win for me, if I stay, I'm stressed about his deceit and if I go, I will go through a lot of upheaval and eventually end up in another relationship where the man starts messing around. I also have strong feelings for my husband and although it is hard to believe him he says he really loves me and he says he wants to change.

Both immature and ashamed to discuss properly. He comes from an old-fashioned, upper middle class family where emotions other than being very jolly are frowned upon. I really dislike their culture, when one of them told us he had a terminal cancer diagnosis, his mother said 'bad luck' and she thought I was odd because I teared up.

Thank you @AnnaNimmity. I'm not staying for the children. I know from the outside, it seems obvious to leave. I find that path hard to contemplate because I'm attached to him, as a person whom I think is worthwhile. Then I he does the behaviour that I described and I think he is vile.

OP,
He sounds like an untrustworthy, sleezy, creep.

Sorry!

I think the choices are clear actually.

You accept him as he is .....a sleezeball that your family and friends have the measure of, or you separate for good and move on.

He has shown you exactly who he is.

He's not going to change.
He comes across as pretty messed up.

I really feel for your children.........they must be cringing.

I wish you well.
You sound so disappointed in him.
You deserve so much better than him and his constant duplicity.

You find one thing, he cries and you try again, you find a new thing, he cries and you try again - difficult to pin down, isn't he? If you stay, it'll be a long catalogue of these kind of events. And you'll drive yourself bonkers policing him.

He's not "immature" in his 40s or 50s - change or "growing up" at this age is very unlikely. This is fixed. He keeps doing it.

It's up to you how many go-rounds you're willing to do. Maybe your patience will outlast his libido. You're not too old to rebuild. I think living like this is worse than starting again.