Closure after 'nearly' relationship

[WickedWeb]

Advice needed. My crush feels he has to constantly let me know there's no hope for our relationship, though I've accepted it. Problem is my partner is with us when we meet and this man had made a pass at me and I let him know I might be interested. Nothing happened between us, I think because he's good friends with my partner and now all I'm doing is occasionally being with him and friends for coffee like we used to and trying to be dignified about the flirtation and it's end. I'm happy to go back to friendship but my crush seems to be stuck in letting me know there's no hope for anything between us and trying to make sure he doesn't lead me on - by even noticing I changed my car! or other silly things. It's really stressful as I only want to be normal and I do get it. He's acting like I'm out of control in love with him or something. How can I let him know I accept it. How can I calm him down and assure him I'm not going to jump across the coffee counter at him. We don't talk. What do I do.

You don't. Not your responsibility. You are responsible for how you behave and to address issues in your relationship that made you consider an affair.

Leave the crush guy to get on with whatever behaviour he wants to display.

Why are you giving him so much headspace? Channel all this angst into improving your own relationship. Who cares what this person thinks.

I’m confused, was this flirtation before or during your current relationship?

He made a pass at you initially so he must be interested to some extent, Im wondering if he’s in to you but knows he shouldn’t be so is overcompensating.

YakkityYakYakYak
I think you may have it. Overcompensation is a good word. If he had a hammer, he'd hammer it into my head....
Yes, my relationship is not the best but it hasn't ended yet. He made the pass during it. I just wish I knew how to let him know it's over for me too (big time). But he is a good friend to both of us and I wish I could turn back the clock and let him know I wasn't interested before he freaked out, but I can't. Sadly, I was interested.

I guess you won’t be seeing much of him for a little while anyway (unless you live outside of UK and not in lockdown), so I would maybe wait and see what happens. If he carries on then I think you need to have a very direct conversation with him and ask him to stop making such comments and he has made his point. Unless you are still entertaining the idea of something with him in the future? No judgement from me if you are.

Thanks for reply Yakkity. And for being non-judgemental. Unfortunately 4 of us meet up to sit - apart - on a wall outside a take away coffee place, so I still see him. I haven't gone down for a few days but my partner is wondering why? It's difficult to go no contact the way I would like. I mean what else have we got to do during this lockdown?
I still like him very much, it's true, but am trying to put it behind me, not easy. It would be difficult to talk to him as we are never really alone and what would I say, 'calm down, you're overdoing it'. He's literally love bombing my partner on the phone in an attempt to let him know he's his friend - not mine. If I even tried to talk to him, it could become dangerous for me as he sure can't pull off 'indifference'. He seems to be very immature though he's 56 or 57.

I am asking is there anything I can do subtly to calm him down without having to speak to him? Thanks so much for any input.

I thought I was reading the script of Grange Hill.

@thebridgelooksbroken did chuckle when I read that.

. Why are you meeting up with people outside your household to sit on a wall outside the shops are you 14?

Also why are you flirting with another man in front of your partner and letting the other man know you are interested in an affair?

Grange hill indeed.

This must be a troll post, you sound 14 and yet claim to be in your 50's.

Stop meeting up with ppl during lockdown. It's selfish. Extremely so.

I mean what else have we got to do during this lockdown?

Well one of the only things you're meant to do is not arrange meet up with people from different households.

And you can't even manage that.

Good luck