Hey all,
Figured I'd reach out to you as there's not really anyone else to talk about this with (other than a therapist). Thanks in advance for your time.
In a nutshell my wife is having an emotional affair and I just don't know what to do anymore.
Been together 12yrs, married for 3ys, both in our early 30s. I'd say the cracks started to appear soon after marriage, she was going out, staying out late, and generally drinking a lot more.
I put it down to her finally having enough disposable income to really enjoy life.
Looking back I was more focused on work, providing for us, and our home rather than being attentive to some of the needs she was calling out for (I realise this after reading Hold Me Tight, really fascinating, like learning a whole new language)...she confirmed it was partly an escape from our issues.
Anyway, fast forward and she's now making hush hush calls to a man on the other side of the world. They met through work about 6 months ago, I don't believe anything physical happened, but their relationship has continued, he even sent her a bracelet that she wore around the house till recently (I had to ask where it came from).
We've talked about this multiple times and about how we're in a period where she just isn't emotionally attracted to me because of my prior complacency/inability to understand emotional needs etc, we agree to try and fix things and that the calls will stop.
However, we've gone through this rodeo twice already, it starts with peace and getting on well, then a few days later Whatsapp pings, it's him, the secret calls start again, I get downhearted/distant/angry.
This is the third time now, I don't think I'm even feeling miserable anymore, I feel more like laughing at a bad life joke.
We are all stuck in quarantine, we are fortunate to be comfortable in our home but mentally it's taking a bit of a toll.
I do know she cares about me and doesn't want to see me miserable, but deep down I fear this relationship is over, that maybe things would just be better if we moved on, that maybe there is no point even getting a therapist.
And let's not forget kids, they're part of the equation, she's under pressure to have them (not from me but the bio clock and friends) and I know she kinda wants them deep down despite always saying how much she dislikes them, but let's say we work this out, there's no chance in hell I want kids for at least two years whilst our relationship stabilises after this.
What really gets me is I've learnt so much so recently just from going through all the research and talking about it with the wife, she says she'll read it but she won't (and she's a proper reader unlike me), it's like the answers and solutions are right there in front of us but I've been too slow to avoid the iceberg and now she's unwilling to really commit.
I'm super angry at myself, I have sympathy for my wife, but I also never betrayed her trust and I'm super annoyed at her total lack of self-research into how she was feeling before. She thinks that all the things she's been feeling recently are unique to her, and that comparing our relationship to her friends who are in 4yr relationships is healthy, there are just many things that even someone as stupid as me know are just downright stupid.
Should we look into a video call therapist, one last hoorah perhaps?
Am I being naive, should I just start planning the separation, home, cat etc.
I would love to get back to fully trusting my wife again, but I also realise the importance of living in the real world.
If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking through, would really appreciate any experience or wisdom you have, best.