How would you handle this?

[Mommyme74]

I think I am in an abusive relationship. I’m not even sure anymore if it’s not all me in my head. The latest this morning. After throughly cleaning an already clean kitchen, I was sworn and scream at for leaving the plug in the sink and not the draining board.😢

Are you married? Do you have children?

Has he always been like this?

What happens if you stand up for yourself?

You are in an abusive relationship, my lovely. My partner would never ever scream or swear at me, thats what a normal loving relationship looks like.

Woukd you scream and swear at your DP for leaving the plug in the wrong place? Have you got children together? Do you work? Are you safe?

I don’t work, as much I would love too, I have long term health issues. We are not married and have a child. There has always been temper issues but every time I bring it up it is always my fault, I make him like this, no one understands him attitude. Never good enough, size 8/10 but always making comments, the name calling, If I attempt to stick up for myself, oh the rage....walking on eggshells 24/7. He says because of my miserable attitude and the way I am, it is him that is the victim. He tells me things about myself that I can’t see and questions why I have no friends and family about, so maybe it is me and I find myself questioning myself and my actions all the time

It’s not you, it’s him. And you and your child deserve so so much better. I hope you find the strength to get out. You only have one life and your child only has one childhood, don’t waste it.

Its totally all him, and yes it sounds like he's got issues and he's taking it out on you and your child. This is a bad case of control, verbal abuse and mental abuse. I have been there and done that and yay walked away unscathed, please get help and get out safely before it spirals into violent abuse. Just google for your nearest woman's refuge or family refuge for some advice. 😔

Thank you for the replies... It is made worse that we live in his home and constantly reminded of this. Everything is just so pointless right now. I am most ashamed that I don’t even know who I am anymore.... I literally feel like I am going crazy.

He will give you spaghetti head as long as you remain there with your child.

It’s not you, it’s him and like practically all abusers it’s always someone else’s fault, never theirs. You are in an abusive relationship here, no two ways about it.

Is there somewhere else you could stay, with your parents for instance?. This is no life for that young person either because that person is seeing you as their mum being abused. Leaving because of domestic abuse is ok in these times. Women’s aid are also worth contacting here as is reading the sticky MN thread at the top of the Relationships pages. Please also enrol yourself onto their freedom programme, this can be done online.

It's him. It really is.

You need to make a plan, OP. You know you're allowed to leave during lockdown in these circumstances (he'd tell you otherwise, no doubt.)

Are you all at home together all the time?

I imagine he's isolated you from friends and family - that's what people like this do. Is there anyone you feel close to?

One way to judge his behaviour is this. Today he was screaming at you. If he'd come into the kitchen and his boss knocked on the door to ask him something, would he still have screamed at you? No, he'd know that wasn't the way to behave - he'd know that his boss would think he was crazy and abusive. He would've been nice to his boss. He can pick and choose how he behaves, and he chooses to be abusive to you.

I’m alone I have no family. My parents died when I was young. I have no friends. I have not long been back in London and have no one. He constantly reminds me about the lockdown and my health and that I stay should indoors. It’s just confusing because one minute he is raging, the next he is being nice then back to using everything he knows about me against me. When he is kind though it extends to making me a cup of tea, or talking to me without screaming and shouting.... never in our 10 yr relationship has he ever told me he loves me. It wasn’t that long our daughter asked him If he thought Mummy was pretty and he said no. When I said that was cruel he was like well I’m not going to lie to our daughter. I often ask what I have done or doing wrong and he just tells me the biggest thing I do wrong is exist in the first place. Sorry for venting and thank you for the responses it means a lot

Abusers are never vile all of the time they have to be less vile(I won't say nice) occasionally or their victim would never fall in love with them.
There's a really good thread at the top of this page about living in an abusive relationship during lock down.There is so much support and advice there I'm sure that you could find it very useful.
Take time to have a good read.These women really know their stuff.
Best wishes Mx.

Him 'being nice' only covers maybe making you a cup of tea or talking to you rather than shouting ????

You are with a totally abusive arsehole who probably would agree that he has you bowing and scraping to him at all times.............I can actually imagine him boasting to his mates round the pub that HE'D never allow his DP to even have a point of view without checking with him first !

You MUST leave him, and as soon as is physically possible.

He will NEVER respect you.
He will NEVER love you.
He will ALWAYS yell, shout, bully, insult and demean you.

You have NEVER deserved to be treated like that.
Your DC NEVER deserves to be treated like that.
Your DC should NEVER have to witness his cruelty.
Both you and your DC ALWAYS deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect.

As far as I can see, it's HIS bloody existence that is an affront to YOU.

Please, please get away from him as soon as you physically can.
Take your DC, your phone, passports and bank card ( taking as much cash out as the daily allowance will allow) and go to the nearest womens refuge.

@Mommyme74

That is so very cruel. I am shocked he would say such awful things and even more blown away that he's never told you he loves you, in 10 years??

It's him sweetheart, all him. If there is any way on this planet you can get away, please do xx

It's abuse, please leave him ASAP.

This is abuse, as others have said. Please take steps to leave. Tell me, was it he who made you clean the already clean kitchen this morning?

Flowerflies, not made to exactly, more so if I’m not doing anything that he thinks should be done I will then get all the comments and put downs, that I’m lazy and useless. I mentioned we would have to have frozen pizza or something for dinner as I forgot to defrost something from the freezer and he proceeded to go on at me for at least half hr how I need to be organized and I’m useless because I will never learn, that I need to start learning... I’m just shit and worthless

Sweetie, it’s not you. You are not shit and worthless. Please leave. It may take you some time to get to the actual leaving stage, but take your time, make a plan, leave and get you back.

Have a look at this when you can Freedom Programme

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I would look into benefits etc. , Not sure how citizens advice is doing appointments now, they might do telephone appointments, they'll be able to clarify what you're entitled to if you're not sure from looking online.

Also women's aid would be good for you to talk to. They do have an online chat service.

Google the word narcacisst.

And yes you are in an emotional and verbal abusive relationship. From January 2020 these are now unlawful acts.

There are many places to help, start with police or women’s aid.

Please don’t stay, things will get worse. Take care