It's over- long distance romance.

[mochizzy]

Not sure what I'm looking for other than a handhold/words of encouragement.

I posted a couple of days ago about my recent struggles to get on with my partner who is overseas (since jan) working in a demanding role. Since getting engaged just over a month ago we have been in frequent conflict and I was pushing some hot buttons- mainly because I doubted his commitment to me and whether he was willing to put in more effort. Some of you responded with some really perceptive comments and noted that we weren't compatible/that the r'ship had run its course.

The expectation from him was that I would drop my job (which I love) /friends/lifestyle etc to join him in the US late summer. I've been worried about doing this given I enjoy my lifestyle and felt like he wasn't willing to compromise on small things, like the layout of the apartment which he obviously chose. I also didn't get any reassurance from him about how he would support me in finding works etc out there. I very much felt like it it would be me making all the sacrifices.

Looking back I can think of other areas where he wasn't willing to compromise or listen.

He (divorced only last year) had been trying to manage down my expectations of a wedding. He wasn't keen on having any family and friends there and wanted a quickie do in the states where he's based. Every conversation I've brought up recently has been shot down and he acted like it would be a huge compromise for him to get married in the UK- where our families live. He even cited struggling to get time off, which I knew was a dishonest coverup for something deeper.

Fast forward to last night and he sent me a long message after a couple of days silence, pretty callously telling me that whilst he loves me, in his heart of hearts he doesn't think it's going to last. This was in response to me saying that I was just looking for reassurance from him that he'd be willing to put my needs first. Apparently not!

He said that the past few days of arguing have highlighted our differences, he's not prepared to leave his job/new city and the breakdown of his first marriage was horrific and he doesn't want to go through that again. He knows I'd be unhappy and it's a recipe for failure.

This is all totally understandable but this has been sent over a WhatsApp message. After being with me for 2 years and getting engaged just over a month ago. I'm blindsided. No follow up.

I'm shocked that he would go to the trouble of getting engaged (he said it was because he missed me like crazy and just wanted me out there and ignored his reservations) only to drop me 6 weeks later after a total change of heart. At no point in this process has he offered to compromise or make changes to his behaviour so I know this is the right thing in the long run but I just feel so wretched. It's made all the worse by lockdown but at least I'm with my lovely M&D.

I wonder if anyone has any advice as to how I move forward positively under these weird times? Despite my misgivings, I genuinely thought he and I could get over this initial bump of moving abroad and that he would be my person for life based on how caring, dependable and loving he had been overall. In the last few days it's totally switched.

I just feel utterly betrayed by the way he has handled getting engaged and the fact he has ended our 2 year r'ship over a WhatsApp.

Thanks for listening!

OP - you say you’ve been together two years but he only got divorced last year? Unless there was a reason for holding off the divorce that sounds like your relationship either overlapped with his marriage or else happened very quickly after he separated. If either of those is the case, he sounds like someone who doesn’t necessarily do “deep” relationships - or is able to ping-pong from loved-up to don’t care at a rate most would get emotional whiplash. His words were just that: words, easy to say but, as you’ve seen, actions speak louder. And his actions don’t back them up. Love is built on compromise and he’s shown little to none of that.

It’s that reason I think this goes deeper than you being a rebound, as sometimes happens after a divorce: your comments about the apartment suggest someone who tends to think only of himself. Even getting engaged was because he missed you like crazy and he wanted you out there. He sounds like a toddler. Do you know why his marriage failed? Perhaps there were similar issues of control.

So whilst you understandably feel awful know and undoubtedly need support please console yourself with the knowledge you probably dodged a bullet. This guy was all talk and no substance. Remind yourself that many people who do real love are out there and thank your blessings this happened now rather than after you’d moved abroad.

Also think these are in order:

Thanks @Tossa

It was the latter. He had separated from his ex at Christmas time but we met in late March, so 3 months. They both pushed through an 'amicable' divorce last summer (no DC).

What I do know, is that his ex had eating disorders and according to him wouldn't seek help. He was unhappy during the last year of their marriage (8 years) and was the one to pull the plug- funnily enough by moving away to take a promotion. I see a pattern emerge.

Yes, he's admitted to being 'selfish' but I don't think that covers half the stuff he's done. I'm glad someone's putting it into clear terms that separate the man I thought I knew from someone who was totally interested in himself only.

Giving this a bump. Today is a tough day.

Read The Power of Now and lots of other books to keep yourself present

Work on yourself

At home yoga and Pilates

Use this time constructively. Heal yourself. Don't tear yourself apart overthinking this. There are millions of fish in the sea, be grateful you've seen who he is now

PS

I got married at 20. Had a child. Divorced at 25. Remarried again at 30

I know what I'm talking about. Let yourself cry it out and then stop. Take control of yourself and do not waste time over someone who clearly has issues

We haven't read his message. However it seems from an outsider that you want different things

He wants US, you want UK

He doesn't want marriage quickly, you do

He has a job in US, you don't

I think he has already moved on

I don't see a future together

@b1gG1rlPants5 he did want marriage quickly, that was the issue. He was trying to rush it along but do it on the DL.

I don't see a future together based on his message but I'm in pain as to what to do next. @oodle has some solid tips.

It's very easy to wallow, it's safe and nearly comforting to be in bits..

Allow the tears to come but don't enable them

Wipe them away and remind yourself who the fuck you are

This man does not define you

OP,

You have dodged a bullet.

I don't think this move would have been in your best interests.

Be glad that he has pulled the trigger on a disaster.

Update, he nows wants to talk in a couple of days after he's had a chance to 'unwind'!!! wtf

Have you investigated what type of visa you need for US ?

Will he support you, if you have no job in US ?

Ensure you have enough emergency to travel back to UK if needed in the future

How are you going to travel in the virus lockdown, which may continue for several months ?

He doesn't sound committed to me
It sounds like you are the "girl for now"

Your own emergency money

@B1gG1rlPants5, yep we looked into it. I would have to be married to him and join his visa. He said that he would support me whilst I was searching and as for emergency funds I could have taken care of this.

I'm not going to travel in the virus lockdown. Noone is! Hence this huge spiral out of control during the past few weeks. I was meant to be visiting last month and we were going to purchase our rings. We had a marriage appointment booked for this month in UK. All cancelled.

@oodelthenoodle - I really liked your message; it really makes sense to me. I have been trying to get over a 'thing' (actually undefinable but caused a roller coaster of emotions for nearly a year) and strangely started to feel a bit lost again once I realised that the strong emotions of sadness were coming to an end, like I missed wallowing in it, in the strong emotions! So I totally get what you meant there. Also - remind yourself who the fuck you are - love that! Thanks! :-)

You might find some great advice from this thread. Good luck!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800477-Dumped-by-text?msgid=94312365

@mochizzy...... Do you actually WANT to live in the US, and specifically where he is going to be based? It is a VERY different country, totally different culture. Unless you are absolutely convinced and on board with this move, don't do it.

Believe me, being in the wrong place is infinitely worse than being in a relationship with the wrong person. Emigrating puts a lot of strain on even well adjusted, happy people who love each other very much and are committed to each other. If there is so much doubt and confusion, it's a recipe for disaster.

Add in any potential children, and you could find yourself stuck in a place where you do not want to be.

Block his number and email so you can have time to work out what you want. I would like you to count yourself lucky that he’s shown you what a total waste of space he is before you married him and moved around the globe to be with him. Make your own plans on your terms without him.

@Anotherwhatsapper ❤️

We creatures are complicated but honestly, the day the fog lifts is THE BEST DAY EVER

I think one thing to say OP is that it isn’t that easy to get decent quality paid employment in the USA unless you have a very in demand profession that they have a shortage of, there’s no automatic right to be able to work there and you need a company that need you ‘enough’ to sponsor you unless you are lucky enough to maybe be self employed in a niche area and able to work ‘anywhere’. There’s far more low end casual but low paid work where they turn a blond eye. Ive known several relationships come unstuck because of this and you may find yourself rather more dependent than you would like.

@FlowerArranger No! I was willing to give it a go up until a point, but the icing on the cake has been me realising I don't want to be there under the circumstances he was offering. He knows I don't want to be out there which is why he's come to this conclusion. I think I had but I was hopeful that love would conquer my fears.

@tarasmalatarocks
Yeh, I definitely get that vibe from the US. I lived o/s for 2 years and had to return due to my sponsorship visa running out. It was gutting, I didn't want to leave. This has also influenced my decision about moving out there.

I think I had but I was hopeful that love would conquer my fears

Love will NEVER conquer anything!!
Nothing at all.
No man is an island.
BUT
Unless you are true to yourself, you will get hurt.
We each are the centre of our respective universes.
NEVER rely on anyone else to make you happy.

@Rainbowshine totally get it, but rather feel like he's made my mind up for me. If that message is the official end, then it appears as though I have to plan what I want in a life that doesn't include him.

@FlowerArranger I was literally 50/50 about America.

I didn't want to give up the relationship but I was really upfront with him about not wanting to live there per se. I explained that I struggled to see myself being happy there- the last 2 trips I made didn't sell it for me. He's told me that he can't face me being resentful and blaming him if shit hit the fan for me out there.

I came to the conclusion that I cared more for him than I did about living out there and that I would make the sacrifice. But I didn't feel easy/excited with that choice.

I didn't want to give up the relationship but I was really upfront with him about not wanting to live there per se. I explained that I struggled to see myself being happy there

As you told him that, ending it was the best thing although he's done it in a callous way, unfortunately.

If I was apart from my partner & he said the above especially after we'd been talking and wrangling about it for ages, I'd end it too. There's just no leeway in that statement and I wouldn't like having a partner who's come to me on sufferance as it were, and is miserable. That's not what love is about and at the same time love just isn't enough to keep a relationship going when the differences are more than the similarities.

You were very specific about not wanting to live in America & that you wouldn't be happy there. He lives and works there and presumably is happy with that so, you're not compatible and this had to be resolved some time. You want different things.

As hurtful as it is you are best off aiming to get over this in the best way you can. At least you're in the UK, where you want to be.