Grumpy miserable DH

[MummySquirrel9]

Even without lockdown my DH and I have a difficult relationship, but the extended time together seems to be amplifying the differences between us.

I’m struggling most with his lack of motivation, for nearly everything - home schooling, cooking, playing with kids or even just looking after the house.

He is now falling out with ds10 on a daily basis and it’s affecting DS’s self esteem - he keeps saying that he’s useless and a loser. Breaking my heart.

My DH and I also don’t have a lot in common. Last night he was pissed off his head listening to Radio 1 and I was sipping a G&T watching Phantom. Normally I find friends to go to the theatre and ballet with, but now I’m home it’s just magnifying our differences.

For the record I do love him. Not sure I always like him and pretty sure it’s mutual.

Any advice please?

You and he do not have to stay together.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Why are you and he together at all?. What is the point, is he now a habit you cannot break out of?.

What is there to love at all about this man, a man who is now falling out with your 10 year old son on a daily basis?. How on earth does your son feel living in this house, what about him in all this. Whilst you fiddle Rome burns.

What if any plans have you thought about to remove both you and your son from this awful situation you are both in?. Have you as yet sought legal advice re divorce?.

I’m trying to spend more time with my son and keep him away from his Dad at the moment.

Normally we are all so busy that DH and I spent little time together. In hindsight we’ve argued every single holiday I can recall.

He’s giving me the silent treatment this evening which is frankly great as I can’t really be arsed with him.

I have thought about leaving. I’m thinking of it again but dread the prospect of shared custody so much

Lockdown definitely magnifies your differences. My DH if unhappy about a situation gives me the silent treatment for a couple of days, which never really bothered me too much before. I’m generally a ‘get it off my chest in a rant, then back to normal’ kind of person, but because I work full time, I had work colleagues to engage with so the sulkiness didn’t really affect me that badly, but now I’m WFH it’s a problem as when he sulks I feel isolated and resentful.

@livelivebehappy my situation is the same as yours. With work I can just shake off the grumpy, silent treatment and be motivated and happy.

I’m not sure what the answer is at the moment.

You, as an adult, may be shaking it off and able to manage it when you have work. But what about your ds? He's getting these messages that are crushing his self-worth from his dad, and mum is just standing by.

You say you dread shared custody, but for your son, he is currently living 24/7 with this. You could take him out of it and give him a safe emotional space at least part of the time. You're not succeeding in protecting him in situ.

I'd leave for the comments to DS alone. What a prick. Do you challenge him about the comments to your son?

"I have thought about leaving. I’m thinking of it again but dread the prospect of shared custody so much"

Shared custody?. This is mere supposition on your part and is probably wrong in that d you think that a man like your H would at all be bothered with his son post divorce?. All this man cares about is his own self; you two are despised accordingly.

Your H as he is abusive may well use contact merely as a further means of punishing you. All this man cares about is his own self, not you and not his son.

His silent treatment towards you is a further example of emotional abuse. You are copping his abuse daily as well.

Do not further play your part in all this by merely hand wringing; you cannot protect your own self here let alone your son from your abusive husband's comments towards you both.

How do you see your own relationship with your son as an adult particularly if you stay with your abuser?. One day your son will leave home, sooner rather than later too given this house of horrors, and he will not want to have anything to with you either.

In a couple of years time, you may end up with a suicidal or off the rails teen. It's not normal for a little boy of ten to be saying he's a loser or useless. You need to stop this.

How do you see your own relationship with your son as an adult particularly if you stay with your abuser?. One day your son will leave home, sooner rather than later too given this house of horrors, and he will not want to have anything to with you either

So true. If you stay with a man who makes your child feel like shit, then child will grow up to resent you and will avoid you. It'll be just you, stuck with an offensive grumpy old man, bemoaning your lot and kidding yourself that your son even owes you a visit. If he becomes a Dad himself, he & his partner aren't likely to want you & your H around either. I wouldn't.

Is the other thread yours too, about the 10 year old boy who's dad spitefully tells him he doesn't have an original thought in his head? This seems similar.

Your H may jump up and down and make a big fuss about custody as they know it is your "sore spot" but in reality most men like this let custody arrangements slide post divorce (unless they have a new woman to pick up the slack). Get your ducks in a row.

Doesn't sound like a great relationship, and I feel sorry for your son.

That's really sad hearing that your son said that. It should be a carefree time at that age, not a time filled with worry.
If you don't change this it'll have a lasting effect on your him.

I wish you all the best.

Another lazy man spoiling more than one other persons life. So sad.

Get your ‘ducks in a row’ now. Leave him after lockdown.

You and dc deserve better. You only have one life. Don’t waste it with him. Good luck OP.

@DeeCeeCherry This is my only thread.

I do struggle with the word “abuse” in this context. My relationship with my DH is toxic. We compete, there is a lack of trust, little mutual respect and we are at odds about the big and small things.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no picnic. I treat him with withering contempt and handle him at times like a child as frankly he behaves like one.

What a poster said about depressed teenager really scares me though. I know my kids will be picking up on our tension - it’s unbearable at times and their behaviour escalates because of it. Then my husband and I differ about how to react & next thing you know we are all shouting... except DH who storms off...

I tried talking to DH earlier about our silent argument over the last few days and he just smiled, shrugged and said he didn’t know what I was talking about. Feel like I’m loosing my mind.

How do I prepare to leave? Where to start? That’s my question. How do I know if I’m going to screw the kids up more rather than staying and trying to make the best of it?

Oh OP, have you any idea at all how absolutely shite it is for children to be in the middle of a horror of a marriage?

Its hell.
It stays with them forever.
It mars their entire childhood.

The see, hear and absorb that atmosphere and tension into the fibre of their beings.

Your poor little boy being made to feel so bad by his father.

What a prick.

Have a good practical think.
Get your ducks in a row.

In the mean time.

Keep that nasty prick away from your little boy.

Reach out to family and friends.

Tell them what a dick he is being to your son.

Harness support from wherever.

You can do this.

Leave and I don’t say this lightly, I say this as a child that wished my parents had divorced everyday from the age of 6 due to the rows, the tension, the animosity

Agree with PP. It is so damaging and toxic to be a child in the midst of a marriage that is based on disrespect and loathing.

Please leave your DH and don't look back. Your poor boy