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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is looking but not touching ok?

15 replies

Maybemaybenot000 · 17/04/2020 21:35

Ladies, where do you stand in the whole looking at other people while in a relationship situation?

I hate it!!! I absolutely hate it!!!

I’ve been with my DP for a couple of years. Hes obsessed with social media and is nearly always on his phone. He constantly is looking at and liking pictures of women in their bikinis and thongs, videos of women bent over jiggling their ass around (the so called Instagram models, not famous people- the women that get their bits out at the drop of a hat). He even likes pictures of women he knows when they’re wearing lingerie and posing. When we’re driving along, he’ll constantly be looking at women walking along the pretending that he thought he knew them. We can’t even take my 4 year old without him smiling at other women. Last night we were sat in the sofa and he was on his phone flicking through Facebook when he scrolled past a woman’s back picture, he quickly went back for a second look as she was in a thong. When I got a bit agitated with him, he said it’s a natural man thing to look and it doesn’t matter as long as he’s not touching. Today, out of curiosity, I had a look on his social media pages and he’s following loads of those types of pages. When I told him that I don’t like it and it upsets me, he flew off the handle telling me it’s my problem because I’m insecure. He can up to me a hour later and said sorry and that he’d deleted all those sorts of things. I’ve just looked, he hasn’t deleted any of them.

I’ve explained it makes me feel like I’m not enough for him and that I need to change my body to look like them. I told him that I don’t follow anything like that with men and that when we go out, no one else catches my eye. He goes mental when men look at me but I don’t notice it until he starts kicking off as I’m genuinely not looking at anyone.

He tells me that I’m perfect as I am and that he doesn’t want me to change.

Should he respect my feelings or is it a normal man thing and I need to just accept it?

OP posts:
Peanutbuttermouth · 17/04/2020 21:37

So men can't look at you but he can look at women?
Bin him!

ferntwist · 17/04/2020 21:38

Yuk! He sounds like a teenage boy OP. Get rid. He’s going to shred your self esteem and sex drive.

Ohnoherewego62 · 17/04/2020 21:38

Hes a pig. Get rid.

Double standards indeed.

glitterbiscuits · 17/04/2020 21:39

Is he 15?

MolotovMocktail · 17/04/2020 21:40

Disrespectful pig. Bin him.

saralola · 17/04/2020 21:41

Getting rid is a bit extreme. People are so quick to throw relationships in the bin nowadays. My partner done something a little similar so I done the exact same. I got the same application as him and added all these guys. He hated it and got the point so deleted all his accounts. Try before you dump!

Meadows89 · 17/04/2020 21:41

It's just a bit grim - all men have a look but openly oogling and in front of you and your child is just gross and disrespectful.

Start looking at topless/naked men on your phone right in front of him and I guarantee he won't like it.

LuckiestB · 17/04/2020 21:42

My husband is incredible, loves me so much (obviously mutual) and if I told him that I felt that way because of something he was doing - he would stop. They are just men, Wink they aren’t infallible and if a beautiful woman walked past him, he would look, but he wouldn’t actively seek out interaction with better looking females than I. Which would be most of the population. I feel like he isn’t being very empathetic to you here, if you can’t be looked at/look at other men - how can he do it to you? That would be my issue I suppose. I am able to comment on Tom Hardy when he pops up on telly, no jealousy because it’s just a bit of dreamland fun, can you do this? Would he take it in jest?
Sorry I’m not much help, he sounds like he loves you but he doesn’t feel like he’s doing wrong. He has to come to terms that he’s hurting the person he loves. Somehow.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/04/2020 21:42

I dont think most men are as blatant as him. Yes people look, women as well as men, as it's normal to appreciate beauty.

But I dont think most people use social media mainly to look at semi naked people of the opposite sex. That's rubbing it in your face in my opinion and sends out quite a strong message about his preferences and his opinion of you. And also how he thinks about women in general.

I think it's very hypocritical that he will happily look at women but doesnt like when men look at you. I'd start following a load of male models in underwear and ogling every attractive man you see and see how he likes it. I've got a feeling it wont go down well but may be the only way to get your point across

Ohnoherewego62 · 17/04/2020 21:44

@saralola- openly disrespecting her, ogling and devaluing women in front of her, having a social media presence doing the same thing, pretending to acknowledge her feelings on it then lying to her face about getting rid. Plus he doesnt like it when she gets attentions?

SueEllenMishke · 17/04/2020 21:46

This is incredibly disrespectful to you and the women he's looking at.
It's grim

Wanderlust21 · 17/04/2020 21:47

Yuk. Get rid.

Liking other womens bikini shots? Yeh that's waaaaay over the line.

Sure everyone looks, but they dont obviously lef at other women in front of their partner.

Add him being a liar and a hypocrite into the bargain.

Just get rid.

Wanderlust21 · 17/04/2020 21:47

*lear

donquixotedelamancha · 17/04/2020 21:54

is it a normal man thing and I need to just accept it?

No. I thought I'd be saying YABU imagining you were berating him for even noticing another woman. I wouldn't do what he does when I was 18 and single- he clearly has no respect for you.

He goes mental when men look at me but I don’t notice it until he starts kicking off

You need to ask yourself some hard questions about why you are willing to put up with abuse and control. Don't get into another relationship until you know the answer but FFS run away from this one.

Coffeecak3 · 17/04/2020 21:58

I agree with @saralola.
Sit looking at fit men on your phone until your dh gets the message.

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