Should I forgive him and stay?

[BreathlessCommotion]

Married 13 years, 2dc. A year ago I said I wanted to leave, dh has been emotionally abusive for the entire marriage and I'd thought about leaving before but now was the time. We have done counselling for a year, and although I genuinely don't believe he is a nasty person (his childhood was difficult and is parents emotionally neglectful) I said just before lockdown that I still wanted to go. We talked very honestly about the effect of the emotional abuse on me, even though it might not have been intentional.

Off his own back he contacted Respect, an organisation that works with perpetrators of domestic abuse. They told him that yes, he had been abusing me.

Then lockdown. It's been fine, he hasn't been live bombing or going over the top. But we've been friendly, he's pulling his weight. Last night we were talking about money, housing, and I got upset (not sure why!). He said it wasn't too late, he would go to therapy to deal with his issues, separate finances, whatever I wanted.

I'm just not sure I can forgive him. I care about him, wish him to ill will. But think the years of it have worn me down. Can emotional abusers change? If they fully recognise it?

Or us this just normal wobbles?

On the face of it I would say no. He's been abusive for a long time, you've been unhappy.

He does seem to have been doing some soul searching but he has a long way to go to prove he's actually understood this and can turn it around. Also it doesn't sound like you actually want to remain with him. Do you?

If he's serious then as soon as its possible to do so he should move out and if you both really want to you could try to restart your relationship. But he has a lot of work to do.

Maybe try reading "The verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans.

It was a revelation to me.

I left my emotionally abusive husband but was still having moments of wondering if I could have made things work. The book confirmed to me that I couldn't (but my exH was/is in total denial about his whole personality and behaviour).

Good luck, I feel for you, I left this time last year and wonder what on earth would have happened if I'd left it a bit longer and had to deal with lockdown.

It took me over 10 years to work out that our relationship was not "normal" and to get up the courage to leave.

It may never feel cut and dried to you but I can definitely say I am happier since I left, my skin problems (eczema) have cleared up.

I am still grieving what we could have had though.

Also "should I stay or should I go?" by Lundy Bancroft - what I took from it was that even if the abuser wants to change, and trys to, your feelings about them may never be the same and staying may be at high personal cost to you.

People can change and become aware of the harm they've done. Sadly by the time this happens the enormous love you felt for them initially has been chipped away, bit by bit, and there's nothing left.

I think you have to honestly ask yourself what you really want for your future. Do you love him enough to want persue and work on your marriage, do you still love him I guess. When relationships draw to an end the fear of the unknown and the emotional attachment keep us hanging on far to long especially when children are involved. I know this from bitter experience. I would suggest once you've identified what you want to then make an exit plan either as a couple or going your separate ways.

If it wasn't for the children, I would have been up and out of here a while ago. No I don't think I love him. If I stay and try more it is absolutely for the children and for the sake of keeping the family together. There is nothing in this for me.

PP comments about chipping away and the emotional abuse changing things for me is absolutely spot on. That's he it feels.

Thanks, I'll have a look at those books.

Do not stay in such a marriage because or for your children. Staying for the children in such a marriage is never a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one. All you will teach them by staying is that a loveless marriage could be their norm too, you would be teaching them that a happy marriage is not their birthright. It also places a terribly heavy burden upon the children (because they will all too well know you stayed because of them) and one they will not thank you for, they could well call you daft for actually staying. They could also well accuse you of putting him before them and thus your own relationship with them going forward could be affected too.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

When marriages are angry, conflicted, or terribly mediocre, parents often default to staying together for the purported sake of the children. I wonder whose sake it’s really for. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.”

Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.” Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children.

13 years. Not once in that time did he change his behaviour although he knew how it made you feel. Then you say you are leaving. For the first time his life is effected- so now hes going to change.
There you have it. He not changing for you or your happyness- just for his own. I hope that helps you make your mind up.

Him contacting Respect is a big step, but after years of abuse it tends to be too little too late for the victim/survivor, as they have no feelings for the perpetrator.

If you can coparent amicably, that's your best bet. The kids will cope better when their seperated parents have an amicable relationship.

Would definitely agree with the comment. Children are more resilient than we think. Ofcourse its upsetting for them but far worse when your feeling bad. You can't give them your best when your not feeling it. My children were actually relieved when we parted. The first couple of years were difficult emotionally and financially but 10 years we're both so much happier with new partners and a new lifes. There is so much waiting for you on the other side when you take that step.

I think you have answered your own question, OP.

I think I have @violetbunny. Just a small wobble. I think we will be bale to co-parent amicably.

Time to go. If you want to ‘date’ each other you still could, and build a relationship from there.

Fiver says he won’t want to though!
As soon as you are no longer living in the same house as him he will no longer benefit from your free cooking, cleaning, childcare, and sexual services. I think at that point he won’t want to try and rebuild your relationship.
Dont stay for the kids. They will be happier and healthier without their parents relationship issues hanging over them.

Have name changed for this.

I can tell you that @AttilaTheMeerkat is absolutely spot on.

I was in a very similar position to you not so long ago.

Now, post-separation, I realise I was holding on for the sake of the kids for far too long. Our lives are immeasurably better now I have separated from my EA ex. We have managed to keep things amicable (on the surface). I'm happy, kids are doing great, atmosphere at home is so much better.

He too claimed he would change at first, and showed signs of doing so. It was totally superficial and crumbled almost immediately once it became clear I wasn't falling for it.

Much therapy (for me) has made it clear that people like that can't change overnight - it would take years and years of therapy and dedicated self-help before they could overcome such ingrained patterns of behaviour. That's not to say it won't work, but certainly don't bank on it.

You only get one shot at life. Don't waste it on somebody who doesn't make you happy.

Thanks. He has turned a bit, now he probably realised I won't stay.

I so wish the lockdown to be over so I can rent somewhere and move out. I'm down to view a few places. I really hope it relaxes enough soon so I can get out.