Should I live with/marry my parner?

[DrFarah]

Hello,

I would like some advice/support about a situation I have been in for over 2 years. I do not usually seek support, as I try to manage things myself however I have very little support as I live alone, and away from my family/son.

I believe a little background will help, I am a 38-year old divorced and single Muslim therefore there are certain requirements e.g. to have a formal marriage before living with someone. I have had a 10-year marriage which ended in 2015 (we have one 5-year old son together), I had an unhealthy relationship with a man which ended in 2017 (short-term).

I am now in a 2-year relationship with a young man who is 16 years younger than me. We both love each other and have a good understanding (not the toxic type of love which I was unfortunately in previously). This relationship did not begin with love, it started slowly and we were friends for some time.

We have both discussed marriage with our parents, his mother agrees with this and has met me once. However, he has tried numerous times to reason with his father and he will not agree to our marriage on any condition. I do understand his father's perspective, as culturally I am not suitable for my partner (being much older than him, and a divorcee with a son).

We have had so many arguments about this, and where our future lies (whether we have one or not). My partner has voiced many times that he will not leave me, and wants to marry me nevertheless (without our parents). What complicates matters is that I have been disowned by my parents in the past (for the short-term relationship I was in previously). Now, we are on speaking terms.

What would others do in this situation? I do want to share my life with him, and I would like for us to move in together, however do not want to hurt his parents or mine. I am living independently and in another country to my family. I have also considered just ending things, for his sake as I know that he can share his life with a young woman more suitable and who his father would approve.

I have battled on and off with this situation for quite some time now; I can't talk to anyone about this, whom I can trust.

I would be grateful for any thoughts - thank you in advance!

You want to be together, so be together. Parents shouldn’t come into it, it’s your life not theirs. If they chose to behave like children about it then it’s their loss.

Thank you Mocktail , this makes me feel better as sometimes I am riddled with guilt for even wanting to share my life with someone .

I appreciate in your culture, that parent's approval is important, but imagine this was your son talking to you, what would you do?
I left my husband and began a same sex relationship. I am incredibly happy. My parents were HORRIFIED because they are staunch Christians. They got over themselves.
Be grateful that your partner is prepared to stand up to his parents for you. There are so many threads on here when partners/husbands will not stand up to their parents and its causes big issues.
Who says you're not a good match?! How dare they. If you and your partner make each other happy, go for it.

Thank you for your support. Yes, you are right; if this was my son coming to me with the same issue then I would have a completely different response :)

I also agree with you about being grateful (although I try to be) that my partner is willing to stand by me, and it seems that he is for now so I am very lucky indeed!

This really helps, thank you

Forget culture - you as a 38 year old can honestly relate to a 22 year old who would have just started independent life? Do you plan to have children? If so then you had better get on with it as time is running out

I’m from the same culture, I had to ditch my family, around 15 years later I can still say it’s one of the best decisions I made.

What would your parents do if you live together? For heavens sake, this is the UK. Can't you just do what makes you happy?

In all honesty, I would be massively uncomfortable with either of my child (a girl and boy) having a relationship at 20, with a 36 year old who is divorced with a child.

The life experience between the 2 is huge. Children could be an issue. If it was my son I would be thinking what if he wants children in 5 - 10 years. I would be worrying my daughter would feel pressured to have children before she was ready.

A friend of mine had a similar relationship. He genuinely felt he was ok not having children and bringing up her children. As the years went on, he started wanting his own but accepted it, that was the decision he had made. Once she hit 40 have them, she started to worry he was going to resent her when he got into his mid to late 30s.

These issues ended up tearing their relationship apart. He is with someone else now. He is early 40s, she is late 30s. He feels to old to be having a baby. But it's a huge regret of his. He was willing to sacrifice kids to be with his wife. But now he isnt with her, he feels like he gave it up for nothing. That situation may be colouring my view.

But, yes I would be concerned. I come from a religious culture where families do get over involved in their kids lives but I have stepped away from it. So wouldnt interfere.

But in a culture where its expected that people do listen to their parents it's harder. I would also be concerned that, going forward, the problems with the family will become a much larger issue if you do live together, get married and have kids.

Islamically it is okay so marry divorced and single parents a lot of the Sahaba did and prophet Mohammed (pbuh)

His dad is very wrong if reminding him these things doesn't work (of the Sunnah) then nothing will.

It's better to get married then carry on in limbo

Thank you everyone for your input on this. He is 22 years old, and I am 38 years old. Yes, we have very different life experiences; at the same time we have a strong and stable friendship that I do believe can carry us through. We also have enough chemistry too for the sexual side of things.

Culturally, his parents would be looking to get him married anyway as this is usually the norm in our society. The issue his father has, very rightly of course is my age. We have talked tons about having children and we would really like a baby. I also don't want him to ruin his future either and have said so many times that he can think through again about this. He says he doesn't want to be with anyone else, and even if we are too late in conceiving a child, we will adopt or look for other options. I am not sure if I am being too optimistic about this. I want him to be happy.

Yes, islamically there is nothing wrong with both of us getting married. The thing is I would rather wait for his father to accept us being together, if he ever will, than do a nikah without family consent. He very much wants to do a nikah either way; he just wants to be with me! I am so struggling with this :(

Defying social conventions isn’t easy in the long term. You might be very happy together but if it comes at a high emotional cost (potentially the loss of your partner’s family relationships) you need to consider carefully. Do you have strong community ties that would provide support to you as a couple?

The age gap is too big. 22 is very young nowadays, and most people change a lot in their 20s.

I'm not saying it won't last, or that it can't work out, but it is unlikely.

Not trying to be rude or arsey, but no, I wouldn't be with him and I wouldn't be happy if my child bring a 38 old partner at 22, sorry.

No issue, if he'd be 32 and you 48. Or 42 and 58, etc. But 22, no. Very young and immature. This is just my personal opinion/feelings, I'm 32 myself and it would feel very wrong to be with a man (using the term loosely due to age) that young. I went to uni as a 'mature student' of 29 and had 20-22 year old uni mates, they were still teen-ish, very laddish and very young. It's difficult to imagine living with one as a grownup woman.

Sorry if that came out wrong, but it's how I feel.

I remember myself in my early twenties and I would have very much been where your

If you are both happy you should just do whatever you both want to do. Life is too short. If you carry on saying ' what if this.....what if that.....if.....but.....maybe....' you may one day be in a position where you definitely won't be able to make choices for yourself. We have to be selfish sometimes. If your plan works then it works, if it doesnt then so what ? You did what you wanted to do at that time in your life, you tried but it didnt work so then move on and carry on with the next phase of your life. Personally I hope you both stay together and sod the lot of em, you should live your life as you choose !!

Didnt mean to hit post 😳.

At 22 I would have defied the world for my now DH. The odds realistically were always stacked against us, for very different reasons. I would have said back then that DH was very mature for his age and that he knew what he was committing to when we got together. But I think ultimately he was looking at it all through a prison of love and really had no idea what struggles were ahead of us. I think just with the gap in experience that it's unlikely he really knows how difficult things can get. But the difference in life stage might not be as determining a factor as in a different culture. If as you said men his age are usually getting married and having kids then your life stages aren't that different. I was unsure from your post if your son lived with you? Whether he's ready to be a step parent to a 5 year old child is another consideration.

It sounds like you're trying to consider what's best for him, whereas he's already answered that question in his mind and thinks being with you is. What do you want? Assuming he'd stay happily married to you through the challenges of life what do you want for yourself? Something to consider, your happiness matters too.

That should say prisom not prison of love.

You talk about a strong and stable friendship and enough (sexual) chemistry, but I just don't get the feeling that what the two of you have is enough to carry you through the next 40 years. If I was to consider sharing my entire life with someone, I would want something a bit more intense...

That's before you consider the large age difference and the issue of children. I mean specifically the fact that he is extremely young. However much he loves you, he will grow up a lot and change over the next 10 years or so.

Would you be okay living with him, knowing that it may not last? I appreciate the cultural difficulties, but if I have interpreted your feelings correctly, I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable getting married.