Immature Husband

[Nee23]

Hi all,
This is my first post and just looking for others thoughts and opinions.
I've been with my husband 13 years, married 7. Together since I was 17 and we have 3 kids.
OH has always been slightly controlling and probably emotionally abusive but I'm very laid back and probably let him away with it and just put up with it for too long.
The issue now is that our children are ages 12, 10 and 8 and are beginning to see his behaviours as wrong and are questioning why he behaves the way he does.
He is a bully to the kids....although not physically he constantly picks at them and finds reason no matter how small to give out. He fights with them over games and although he does make effort to play football or board games with them it always ends in rows caused by him and it's at the stage the kids dont want to play but only do to keep him happy because he would huff if they didnt. I obviously stick up for the kids and have done on many many occasions but he will argue back with me and then possibly not speak to me for days after ensuring the kids know and they start blaming themselves. I have over the years told the kids to pass no remarks on him but I'm worried they will see this as normal.
Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance.x.

Good that you recognise it but they will definitely already have picked up a lot of bad ideas about relationships. Really I think the only thing to do is to leave. You could try to change his behaviour with a serious talk backed up with a credible threat to leave but I seriously doubt he is going to change now, so the credible threat will need to be carried out.
Well done on seeing what's wrong despite this being your only real relationship but you need to act.

If they feel comfortable enough to identify and challenge his behaviour then they sound quite well rounded to me.

It's your call how you proceed but by these ages they see him quite clearly.

Thanks for your reply....I have had all the talks and I've threatened to leave but fail to follow through and he has threatened to kill himself couldn't live without us. We have a mortgage but it's in his name and I dont think he will move so it's just a scary move to uproot them. They helped him with some work yesterday and they were the best in the world and I'm not saying he is all bad but then he has caused upset in the house this evening over a game of football with the kids, he gets mad with them all then and he went to bed in a huff, again a usual occurrence. I do feel like the kids and me walk on eggshells and never know what mood he will be in and he can change so quick. When things go well for a week or 2 I fool myself into thinking I'm over reacting and it's not as bad as it seems but I know deep down this is not a good situation for any of us.

He threatens to kill himself if you leave?

You need legal advice and the support of a domestic violence charity. Your husband is damaging your children and they'll live with the scars for the rest of their lives. You need to take action, it's not really good enough to "fool yourself" into anything - you're the mum here - you can't live in fantasy land.

This man is dangerous and abusive and he is harming your kids. Get support and get them out of this situation.

You need to follow through on your threats to leave. Either that or look in relationship counselling. Tell him it's no good him changing for a couple of weeks then reverting, as his behaviour is affecting the kids and it's not right.

He's choosing to behave like this and he's not experiencing any consequences for it.

It's very unattractive behaviour in an adult.

oh

Threatening suicide is manipulative and with the added details, abusive. This will be affecting the kids, it isn't mere immaturity, it goes beyond that.

You are stuck on lockdown, but you will need an escape plan to enable your safe escape.

I cannot remember the number of times my ex threatened suicide, i gave up hoping in the end.

Sweetheart he isn't immature he's abusive. You are in an abusive relationship and it's not until you are away from it that you will see it for what it is.
He knows what he is doing. He is making a choice to behave this way. Would he behave like this around other people. ie work colleagues. I highly doubt it.
You have choices too. Please look into the Freedom Program. You can do it online.
When someone shows you who they are believe them.
While you stay with this person you are showing your kids its ok to take this abuse and setting them up in future relationships to accept abuse.
I think deep down you know what you have to do . Talking about it ( clearly not to him ) is the first step.
You have choices and do you really want to look back in five years and think if only I was strong enough to do the right thing.

My xh was like this. But my kids were younger. It was absolutely horrific and actually worse reflecting on it now than at the time. At the time I felt loyalty and love for him. Now I despise him for what he did and why he wouldn't stop.
Get out before you lose your relationship with your children as they learn what you allied them to go through. Or before they start a new generation and behave badly too.
It was hell getting out of it but our home is so wonderfully relaxed now. Amazingly so.

When lockdown ends go to both need to go to relationship counseling.

Relationship counseling is not only to help you to stay together but also helps to make it clear when you should leave a relationship.

In addition you need to have start planning so that you get your name on the property and that ensure you are earning a reasonable amount so you can manage without any partner regardless of whether you stay together.

If he refuses to go to counseling then you must start putting your plans in motion so by the time your eldest is starting their GCSEs you are no longer with him.

He is abusive, to you and your children. Make plans to get out, the children will be much happier and actually be able to relax in their own home

I did relationship counselling. You should not do this if you are in an abusive relationship. It was awful.

You cannot and (I cant say this strongly enough ) go to counselling with a narcissist.
They clearly don't think they are doing anything wrong so they act from their own perspective.
It just goes round and round.
You on the other hand can go to counselling. on your own .
You have to find the right one though.
By doing your own counselling you will eventually see everything thats not normal in your relationship and this will make you stronger to face reality.
It takes time and strength but you will see how his behaviours are controlling and abusive.
If you and your kids are behaving as if you have to walk on egg shells around him to save another episode of him sulking then their is the first clue that he's controlling the dynamics in the home to get what he wants. ie He is the boss and dont whatever you dont ho against him .

Nee

re your comment:-
"I have had all the talks and I've threatened to leave but fail to follow through and he has threatened to kill himself couldn't live without us"

This is also in the abusers 101 handbook; its yet more manipulation from him. It works though doesn't it; you are still there with him and in turn your children are being abused too by seeing all this within their house of horrors. Your house is certainly no sanctuary for them or for you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?. You've been showing them that this is somehow acceptable to you on some level and have instructed them to further modify their own behaviours just as you have done. They could well go onto to be in dysfunctional and otherwise abusive relationships themselves as adults.

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. This relationship is in any case over and was actually over the first time he abused you.

Make firm plans now to leave him and do not use your own laid back nature to hold you back here. If a friend was telling you all this what would your own counsel be?.

You need legal advice in terms of divorce and support from the likes of Womens Aid to get you out of there permanently.

He targeted you and deliberately too; you were but 17 after all when you met him and thus had no real life experience behind you. He saw something within you that he can and indeed has exploited to his own ends. You were ideal for him; young, naïve and compliant. BTW is he much older than you?.

DO NOT GO TO RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING WITH HIM.

Sorry for shouting but it is the one thing you should not do, he will use it as another avenue to abuse you and will twist things, store up anything vulnerable you say and use it against you later.

Go to counselling for yourself, alone, have a look at the Freedom programme and Lundy Bancroft book "Why does he do that"

I often say this about threads where the dad is acting this way... Here it comes.
Your writting here because in your head you want out of the relationship.
Maybe tell him one more time that he is a selfish tit, and unless he changes your going to start divorce proceedings.
I think after lockdown you owe the children freedom from their abusive father .
If he says he will kill himself, look him dead in the eye and say your life your choice.

Yes your kids will look at this as normal and most likely choose a partner who will carry the same flawed behaviour into your grandchildrens lives.

Get help, make your plan and follow through with it. Threatening suicide is his only way to keep you in line. He has full control of you and your children when he threatens you with his suicide.

Thank you all for your replies....I know what you are all saying is right. I have over the years spoke to family/friends about it but have stayed put and didnt heed their advice as such...so hate going back to them now but I'm going to have to put my own pride to side as I'm going to need their help. We have a great house with plenty of space outside and in that was built and I feel I'll never be able to give that to my kids but I do no this is only materialistic things as long as they are happy.

You need to change how you behave towards him. You need to document absolutely everything and email it to your local domestic abuse charity and/or police unit as well as get your DC to do the same if you don't feel like talking it through.

Go from there. Reaching out is the most important step as is listening to your DC and finding a peaceful solution, you owe it to them don't you?

You have the power, they don't. He is beyond help and you cannot do this without opening up about your situation.

Don't tolerate this any longer and keep his secret.

Good luck. A peaceful and happy future awaits you and your lovely dc if you take the steps you need. Well done to your DC for recognising it, they sound amazing and deserve so much better x

OP,

The damage that he has already done to your children should be your sole motivator in seeking help.

They are so young yet have completely identified that their father is an abusive bully.

Are you really going to use the excuse of being laid back and embarrassed to allow your children to be abused and bullied by him?

Believe me, your children will blame you for staying with him.

It must take a lot for children so young to voice their pain.

They will NOT forget that they have told you that he is a bullly.

They will blame you for not protecting them.

They are in the midst of an awful childhood, where they walk on eggshells every day.

I'm sorry for you, if my post sounds harsh, but YOU are their mother and they need protection from him.

Protect your children from this nasty bully who has destroyed their childhood so far.

My exh bullied my dc.
Ds 27 still has therapy..
Ime it's your responsibility to Ltb.

I think your forgetting that you own half this house, maybe more as 70/30 split is quiet normal with children involved.
Remember you are and have always been equal in this relationship.
There is pensions and maybe cash in the bank, and other assets...

There’s no reason why you couldn’t stay in the house. Speak to a solicitor! It’s quite normal for the main carer (you I assume) to stay in the house until kids are 18. You don’t have to move. Get the support of a solicitor and say you want out but want to stay in the house for the sake of the kids. The needs of the kids always come first.