Was this child neglect?

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I have a very difficult relationship with my family, particularly my mum. I have an older sister who is the golden child and despite years of trying to please her, I was the scapegoat. I’ve had a lot of counselling and I’ve always sort of stuck up for my parents saying things like, I was always fed, I had everything I needed etc but a couple of things have come back to me and I’m wondering if this would be classed as neglect. I don’t think it’s anything serious, especially not compared to other people’s experiences but I’m just trying to get this clear in my head.

Firstly, when I was 8 I had to have teeth removed because they were rotten. I remember my mum blaming me for this but surely at 8 years old it was her responsibility to ensure I was taking care of them?

My hair was always matted, I didn’t like brushing it myself and they never helped me. I wore it tied back so you couldn’t see it. I had to go to the hairdressers to get it cut off at one point it was so bad.

I had to steal clothes from the lost property at school so I had clothes that fitted me properly. My parents never questioned where all these random items of clothing were coming from.

Would you say this came under neglect?

Yes. Most definitely. How awful for you.

Yes :( I hope your counselling helps you move on from it

I'm a SW and I would say this was neglect. It's quite common for one child to have a very different experience of being parented within a family. It sounds as if your emotional needs weren't met by your parents either as you were growing up. I hope the counselling helped you to know that it wasn't your fault 💐

Poor you, definitely neglect. I hope your counselling help you to move forwards

Wow I hadn’t expected such a unanimous response. I suspected as much but seeing it written down makes it feel real if that makes sense. The thing is, on the face of it they are respectable people and you would never suspect it of anything like that. My older sister has a completely different version of our upbringing.

Yes, I agree with the others. I’m sorry OP.

My DD is 7 and doesn’t like brushing her hair. That’s why I grab her and the brush every morning before school and make sure the tangles are all out (I might let it slide occasionally on weekends ). It’s not my idea of a good time but it’s part of being a parent!

Yes to a degree. A lot of children are in the same boat.

Yes sadly that is. If you don’t mind me asking, is it just you and your ds or do you have other siblings?

Yes just the 2 of us

I am sorry you had a neglectful childhood and did not have the parents you deserved. My sister and I had different childhoods as did my brother. It is difficult to look back and understand what was going on from a childs perspective and to see in hindsight that one of us was treated worse than the others and that one of us saw nothing bad at all. I will never fully understand what it was like for my sister but I do know she suffered and that my mother loved me more and it pains me, because I love my sister more. It is complicated and while I know some of the reasons why, it is very hard to come to terms with, especially as my sister is a better person than me in many many ways.

Yes!!!

I had to have 6 teeth removed at once due to them rotting yet my parents and grandmother all pestered me constantly to take care of my teeth. I gad long hair as a child and Hated having it brushed. I remember it being matted a lot and having to have the cotta cut out. We didn’t have a lot of money and I never got clothes, everything was hand me downs. I wasn’t neglected.

yes and sorry you had to go through this OP. I think it's hard to identify neglect sometimes when our vision of it is a child with nothing to eat, no bed to sleep on. But clothes are an essential too and an 8 year old is not responsible for their own dental health.

🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

It depends. Were your parents encouraging you to take care of your teeth? My son has had a tooth removed because he's a sugar junky and (despite having an expensive electric toothbrush) he chews his toothbrush rather than brushes his teeth.
He hates me brushing for him, my sister is a dental nurse and she has talked to him about it. We have even bought him those tablets to use once a week to show him what he's missed. He's certainly not being neglected.

And how easy was it to brush your hair? I hated having my hair brushed as a child and would kick and scream. It was easier to just leave me tangled.

As for the clothes, yeah that's straight up neglect. Not that your clothes were ill-fitting but that your parents didn't notice you stealing.

It is absolutely neglect. At my school we have many children who have to have 9, 10, 11 teeth removed. They come to school filthy day after day - it is quite obviously neglect, but nothing is ever, ever done. (Not bashing Social Care - they simply haven't got the resources.)
Makes me mad though.

I think it's a totally different situation though when OP is saying her sister had everything she needed and she didn't, her parents where not hard up, but just neglectful of one child. That is a totally different situation of being hard up and struggling to afford to cloth your children.

Absolutely neglect, not just for the physical things but for the emotional abandonment and lack of care or interest in your wellbeing.

Yes.

As for the excuses some posters have come in with;

Were you regularly encouraged to brush your teeth?

Did you kick up a huge fuss about brushing your teeth?

Might be difficult to remember but I have a feeling the answer to those is no.

In any case - with hair, if your child makes it extremely difficult to brush their hair there are things you can do - have it cut in a short bob, use shedloads of conditioner, use s wide tooth comb, brush from the bottom, detangle with fingers etc. You don't let it get matted.

The clothes thing - any decent parent would notice if your clothes weren't fitting and get their hands on some roughly the right size, whether new or used.

I think the combination of all three show neglect.

The general attitude of scale goating Vs golden child mean they were emotionally neglectful , abusive too.

Sorry the 2nd question should have been hair.

Myself and my sister has 2 completely different upbringings, too op. It can happen.

Yes it is.

My eldest daughter had very long hair for years, it matted as soon as you looked at it but she didn't want it cut. God, the whinging over brushing! I bought books about hair styles, special brushes, plaited it every night. I didn't just leave it. I'm not a perfect parent but surely that's just basic

Yes and I’m in the same position as you. When I had my own children I finally accepted that it wasn’t normal for me to have had matted hair, dirty teeth and smelly clothes. Nor was it ok to suffer injuries (accidental) and not be taken for medical care (I broke a bone and nobody did anything about it ). I’d just buried all the shame I felt for many years. It was very painful. I’m fine now....I had years of therapy and I’ve stopped blaming myself and feeling ashamed. It’s a long and difficult path though x

Definitely neglect. No child should ever go through that. I am sorry you were born to such a woman. I hope life is better for you now and that you can make peace with the injustice of it.