Hi this evening I nearly left, no idea where I could go to and lost momentum by the time I had packed my bags. I have promised myself when I go it will be for good, but I think that scares me into staying.
I hate my DH he has physically hurt me more times than I can remember, and now it's taken a new turn he had got me looking mad when I get upset at his words to me, claims I am stonewalling him to the teenage kids who now believe I am unreasonable and it's him that is under attack from me. I feel so angry and confused, as he is right my behaviour is stonewalling and yes I do get angry and break things, and scream and shout, I am at the point where I am questioning whether he is being abused by me. Despite me getting hurt, in an argument he bombards me with questions I cannot answer, and when I agree I must be all the things he says I am it still doesn't stop him, he brings up the past and uses it against me, I don't do that to him as I really don't have much input once he has got to bombarding me stage.
Lockdown is misery apparently my mood is punishing the whole house, but I just can't shake the hate and anger I feel right now, maybe it's because I know I can't go to work to escape it.
Not looking for any soulotions from Mumsnet, as I already know the only real answer is to leave, I have done 20years and still am not at the point of being ready to go, which also makes me feel terrible, I'm a failure to myself.
I just need a bit of understanding do I can pick myself up again, I can't talk to anyone in RL as I'm ashamed.