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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hand hold please abusive relationship

3 replies

Hairmumscaremum · 16/04/2020 19:55

Hi this evening I nearly left, no idea where I could go to and lost momentum by the time I had packed my bags. I have promised myself when I go it will be for good, but I think that scares me into staying.
I hate my DH he has physically hurt me more times than I can remember, and now it's taken a new turn he had got me looking mad when I get upset at his words to me, claims I am stonewalling him to the teenage kids who now believe I am unreasonable and it's him that is under attack from me. I feel so angry and confused, as he is right my behaviour is stonewalling and yes I do get angry and break things, and scream and shout, I am at the point where I am questioning whether he is being abused by me. Despite me getting hurt, in an argument he bombards me with questions I cannot answer, and when I agree I must be all the things he says I am it still doesn't stop him, he brings up the past and uses it against me, I don't do that to him as I really don't have much input once he has got to bombarding me stage.
Lockdown is misery apparently my mood is punishing the whole house, but I just can't shake the hate and anger I feel right now, maybe it's because I know I can't go to work to escape it.
Not looking for any soulotions from Mumsnet, as I already know the only real answer is to leave, I have done 20years and still am not at the point of being ready to go, which also makes me feel terrible, I'm a failure to myself.
I just need a bit of understanding do I can pick myself up again, I can't talk to anyone in RL as I'm ashamed.

OP posts:
stanzaorganza · 16/04/2020 20:24

I don’t have much advice sorry but didn’t want to read and run. It is never OK to physically hurt someone, you are doing the right thing by making plans to leave xxx

Justtryingtobehelpful · 16/04/2020 20:45

Go to a hotel. Take your half out of the joint account. Do a few half hours with family solicitors. Hire the best. Pay your fee with your settlement. Use your free time to educate yourself on abusive relationships.

I read this in the Freedom Programme last night. Totally what you described:

THE BULLY
He uses intimidation to control his partner by: shouting, glaring, sulking, driving too fast and firing questions at her without giving her a chance to answer. As a result, she believes he is angry and tries to placate him. The men on my Programme have told me that the Bully is not angry. He is cool, calm and collected and completely in control of his emotions. What does he have to be angry about?

He knows what he's doing. Go to a cheap hotel. Have some time out for yourself.

Read the following:

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Your bags are packed. Pick up your keys and go.

Or, contact the police. Make a report. You can do it via chat on their website. They can come tomorrow and spray him off the premises. Get a curry order against him as he is a danger to you.

Good Luck!

Justtryingtobehelpful · 16/04/2020 20:46

They can come tomorrow and escort him off the premises.

Court not curry! 🤦‍♀️

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