I want to end a dead marriage

[TeawithCakes]

Hi,
I’ve posted before about being married to a 58 year old man (I’m a young 48). I do not have sexual feelings for him at all and we haven’t had any sexual intimacy in over 10 years...yes, 10 years. We have two kids - 16 and 12. I didn’t kids enough frogs when I was younger and was shy - you get my drift.

I have been very unsettled a long time and kept changing jobs over the last 6 years- same career, just different place. I just felt unhappy all the time but I love my career and have wanted to do it since I was 14. My old manager asked if I was ok at home as he’d noticed a difference in me.
Anyway, I realised my marriage was stale. We get on - like friends - but I am not attracted to him. Tbh, I was very sexually inexperienced when I met him and so was he. I found sex with him a chore. He was a wham, bam kind of guy. Never did any sort of play. Wouldn’t kiss as he said he couldn’t breathe (asthma). Our 2nd child was conceived artificially even though many tests showed there was nothing wrong with either of us. We were incompatible sexually. And, now, I realise we are incompatible in many other ways. I just don’t like living with him or going anywhere with him now. There is nothing there but he is burying his head in the sand and acting like everything is fine. He knows I am unhappy but chooses to ignore it. I am deeply unhappy but feel bad for wanting to go. But, then dread the thought of staying.
I hit peri menopause two years ago and my sex drive increased but I still don’t want him. I cringe at the thought! I’m an attractive 48 year old living like a nun and it has hit me how I’ve been spending my married life.
I get frustrated and angry and it is due to this although he thinks I’m moody. He acts like there is nothing wrong.
I have mentioned to him that I think we should split and he just says to me that I know where the door is. I don’t mind renting somewhere. Our 4 bed detached home is mortgage free. He works, as do I, but I am the bigger earner. My plan was (before this virus kicked off) to rent a small cottage in one of the villages surrounding the town where we live and then put our house up for sale. We also have another house in trust but I’m quite happy to let him have it all. However, he has said that the kids don’t want to leave the house we’re in now and that he will buy me out. He said he can and has been exploring options- I don’t believe him as I think he is blackmailing me into staying. He is, generally, a nice person so I am shocked by this. I feel he is trying to block me from making plans to leave. I was thinking of, well hoping for, an amicable split and doing a DIY divorce. I think he is saying it to make me back down but he really isn’t noticing how unhappy I am. I cry at night, my wedding ring has been off for a year and we sleep in separate rooms! We haven’t had sec in over ten years!!! What isn’t he noticing?

I feel he is manipulating the children too - if what he says about them wanting to stay is true.

What should I do?

I didn’t kiss enough frogs that should say near the top!!

I want half of our house if it sold btw

I'd use lockdown to get your ducks in a row, talk to a solicitor and an estate agent, and work out what it is you really want to do with your career. He doesn't get to stop you leaving if you want to leave, and he DEFINITELY shouldn't get to keep the house in trust. A DIY divorce will leave you vulnerable to being taken advantage of - please get a lawyer.

OP, you sound like youre gonna rock this whole process and come out the other side a smart, strong women (just like you are now) with the freedom and motivation to build yourself a life full of whatever the fuck you like. Godspeed, im rooting for you.

See a solicitor, get the divorce rolling and ensure you have the financial share you are entitled to. There's no reason to feel you have to walk away with less.
Why does he have to buy you out for the kids to stay in the house? Are you planning to leave them with him?

The house in trust belonged to his parents. His dad remarried although she is now in a care home. I really don’t want half of it.
I’d rather have my freedom plus I don’t want him touching my salary.

I want to have the kids half the time. Seems fair.

Be careful. I do strongly think you need a good lawyer. I could have written your post myself and no doubt friends of mine will think it is me! Same reasons for it all being over! And same work dynamic. I am a little further down the road of splitting but the difference is I am buying DH out. My feeling is that your guilt may be encouraging you to roll over too quickly here. If you don't ultimately want the house in Trust that's fine but keep that in your back pocket to negotiate with formally. For the moment divorce is the way to get the ball rolling rather than the financials - and hopefully he might just go. You presumably don't want to leave him in a financially stronger position than you which could enable him to buy you out if in fact otherwise you would be the one staying and staying with the DC? Be careful, as well, of any possibility of him being seen as the main carer etc otherwise as you say he could justify getting more finances from you to have a car to transport the Dc etc and for you to finance, at least until they are 18, an equal sized house for him etc. Good luck OP. As someone said to me recently - and it resonated - everyone deserves to be happy. Like mine, your DH won't make changes, so it falls to us to make positive choices for our lives.

Hey reading this . I understand . I am in the same situation . Been in a relationship for years . No love . But expected to pretend otherwise and assume this is a normal a living relationship. No go for it .... I am 50 and scared to make a beak because you think ... what happens next . But now thinking yes ... I like your story because I think the same