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Relationships

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Original poster

I'm Suspicious that she's not actually his ex

40 replies

Beatricesheilamaria · 16/04/2020 17:26

Got with boyfriend about 6 months ago, he and his partner had split 3 months before. Initially it wasn't serious, but became moreso and now with lockdown and spending 24/7 together even more so...
Anyway. His ex partner moved away with the kids to a cheaper part of the country and to be near her family. She doesn't work as he pays a good bit of maintenance and doesn't need to. He visits sometimes for a week during midterm, long weekends etc.
All that is fine with me, he needs to see his kids and I like the break away from him. He always said he was staying in her house and it didn't bother me as he needs quality time with the children and you don't get that in a hotel.
So. Lockdown. And I'm staying with him. He is the type of guy that is full of I love yous and other platitudes, but I'm starting to wonder if it's all hot air.
He calls her and the kids every evening and I have to sit in another room as she doesn't know about me. This is fine. The calls go on for an hour plus and it's mostly her and him talking as kids are small. Pandemic is not the time to spring a new girlfriend on anyone so I don't complain. But also when his friends and family call, he pretends to be alone as well. No one knows about me. The supposed love of his life.
Then (I wouldn't normally do this) I looked up his ex on Facebook. Her profile picture is still one of him and her. She has posted on his wall a few times, "their song" and other sweet things (I don't actually use FB and was never arsed checking his page).
I'm really not sure what's going on. I don't know if they're still together and decided to raise the children in the countryside while he works in the city (but then he doesn't go down every weekend, maybe once a month or every two months). Or if the lockdown has made me paranoid. I have asked him and he says theyre not together but he needs to keep her sweet so he can see the kids.
Am I super thick or super paranoid? Please help me decide.

OP posts:

thefourgp · 16/04/2020 19:02

I completely disagree with others suggesting you snoop to get evidence he’s still with her. What difference will that make? Will it make your life better or more stressful? Why make a bigger drama of this than it is? Six months is not a long time. Walk away and find someone who adores you and wants to tell the whole world that they’re with you.

carly2803 · 16/04/2020 19:04

thats not his ex.

They are still together.

Lilolily · 16/04/2020 19:13

What’s SM?

JKScot4 · 16/04/2020 19:18

Social Media, FB, Instagram etc

Cocobean30 · 16/04/2020 19:22

You need to walk right in the room while he’s talking to her and ask her outright

panicstationsready · 16/04/2020 19:33

If you have FB yourself post a photo of you and him and post it - tagging him in, his friends (and her) will see it.

Lilolily · 16/04/2020 19:34

Ah, of course. Thanks JKScot4

I’m in a similar situation. Been with my fella 5 months, didn’t mean to fall in love but it’s happened. He separated from his wife about a year before we met, they have 2 kids and share custody.

The wife and kids don’t know about me yet. I’m not happy about it but he wants to wait until the divorce is finalised and I do understand that.

The difference is however that I have met his parents, been to stay with them, spoken to his sister on FaceTime with him and been invited to his friends wedding.

I’m a social media liver - I want to shout it on Facebook etc but I can’t right now, And that’s ok.

Obviously only you know his situation, all I’m saying is they’re not all liars. X

Original poster

Beatricesheilamaria · 16/04/2020 20:03

@BackseatCookers thanks for that lovely post. It is a confidence drain. I don't know why I fell for the hardball wooing at the beginning, I usually prefer being single.
For those who asked we're living in their old house. None of her stuff is here, just one or two pictures of the children. She inherited a house and that's where she is. He said it was always her plan to move into that house once their youngest was ready to start school up there. They're not married so I assume that she should want their house (the one we're in) sold and divided, as they own it equally if they are properly separated.
Which I suppose is just another reason for him not to tell her.
Thanks everyone for your replies. I am going to get in touch with my sister and see if I can stay with her instead.

OP posts:

JKScot4 · 16/04/2020 20:09

Can you answer a few points?
Has he got FB?
Why have you to stay out when he’s phoning his mum, friends etc?
When does he claim you’ve to come out of hiding?

Techway · 16/04/2020 20:23

The fact that he openly says he is keeping her sweet means there is deception. She doesn't know the truth and neither do you.

A relationship built with this secrecy will never be on solid ground so you are right to get out.

muckycat · 16/04/2020 21:04

Hmm.. Well, if she half owns the house he lives in that might be reason not to rub a new relationship in her face if he doesn't want to destabilise a civil and easy relationship. Plus no need for the kids to know just yet.

However, even if this was the case, to me the combination of issues would concern me- making excuses to keep you away from his friends and family after 6 months, overly long phone chats out of earshot, long trips up there, Facebook indicators that they are a bit too close.

It is the overall lack of transparency with you that would be grinding me down and making me uncomfortable. Best case scenario, his way of dealing with a delicate situation is secrecy which is not ideal. Worst case, you have a cheat on your hands. I doubt that you would find out for sure unless you spoke to the ex (or a family member). Depends how long you are happy to be a secret for. I understand that ex relationships with children can be difficult ground to negotiate but the answer isn't having a new girlfriend stashed away from every part of his life.

Thewomeninthemirror · 16/04/2020 21:09

How do you know he pays her lots of maintenance?
Could it just be that they have a joint account and he doesn’t want her to see if he’s spending money with you as?

BumbleBeee69 · 16/04/2020 21:24

He's lying... about all of it..

ChristmasFluff · 16/04/2020 22:22

They are still together.

If not, he'd not mind you being in the room when his ex was on the phone. Unless you were going to be singing 'the boy is mine' in the background. But come to think of it, if he was split from her, he wouldn't care if you did do that, except for it being an indicator of your own oddness

Greenkit · 17/04/2020 08:32

Can you walk in the room when he is talking, ask if has finished and does he wants a cup if tea?

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