Lockdown may have ended a relationship before its had chance to start

[Emmap9]

So for the last year I’ve been involved with someone I work with, I feel bad because they were with someone who we also work with and had been with them for 15 years. I struggled with it all at first as it was the first time I’d been attracted to a woman, it made me question a lot of things from my past relationships with men and why they didn’t work out. We fell in love and she wanted to leave her partner, they had become friends more than lovers for the last 8 years of their relationship, no sex and she stayed cause it was familiar but she wasn’t happy. But because it had been her life for so long she was very anxious about leaving it as she suffers from anxiety. She finally told her other half in January that she wanted to end things and they agreed to stay in the flat as they had separate rooms to be able to stay in, she wanted to be with me but again was doing what the other half wanted as she didn’t want to cause upset. But we spent most weekends together from January. Obviously with all the covid stuff going on and our workplace being closed and the thought of not being able to see each other she moved in with me and my daughter (who is 8). She has known all along I have a child and has spent a lot of time with her when she has been here, she doesn’t have children and admits herself that she her old life was very different to the one I have. My daughter doesn’t see her father so she is with me full time. Well 3 weeks after moving in with us, she was really struggling with things, her anxiety was getting worse, as she was struggling with the covid situation of lockdown and that we are all on top of each other 24/7 and dealing with a very different lifestyle so she moved back to her flat. Supposedly just while lockdown is on as all her stuff is there and then come back to us after it’s all over. However now she isn’t sure if she will be. She says that she wants to be with me and loves me and that me and her fit but that my life is very different to the one she is used to and she doesn’t know if she can deal with life with a child in it as my priority is obviously my daughter and she is used to being someone’s main priority. I’m heart broken, I love her and it’s like a love I’ve not felt with a man before. I’m also angry as she’s known I have a child all this time and I feel like she has and continues to keep me in limbo land of what the heck is going on. Am I just expected to wait around until after lockdown is over, just for her to then say she doesn’t think she can deal with a life with a child in it. Thing is my daughter will get older and get to a point where she doesn’t want to hang out with me as much and therefore we will have more time together but she can’t seem to see that.

Sorry I know that’s a long post but needed to get it off my chest! confused
What would people do? Would you wait around or would you say, I’ve given you plenty of chances and waited around long enough?

Knowing you have a child and the reality of living with one are two very different things. She sounds very unsure of what she wants. You have no control over what she decides.

If I were you, I would move towards accepting this may jot be the fairytale ending you are hoping for.

I understand why you're angry but i think it's worth remembering that she's not doing this on purpose. She moved in with you quite suddenly, during a pandemic, which is stressful in itself and not how you probably would have chosen to do things. Suddenly living full time with a child, trying to work out how she can fit into your world, while having only actually ended things with her ex recently so possibly still processing that and also dealing with any stress or worries related to covid 19... that's a lot.

Honestly, I think it might be best to not doing anything until lockdown is over and you can assess things under less stressful circumstances.

It sounds like you fell in love with her and she fell in love with the fantasy of what her life could be.
She left a committed relationship with no break in between going from something familiar to something on the extreme other end of the scale.
She's not completely out of her old life yet. She's not left the home she shared with her ex and has run back there when things have become difficult for her with you.

She's not over the life she has left.
She's can't commit to the life you have.

@lialiana I totally get it, I know she isn’t doing it on purpose and that we should probably have waited until after lockdown so that she could have all of her stuff with her, she only bought a small amount of stuff with her. I think the thing that I am struggling with is that I’m now left in limbo again because she doesn’t know if she will come back.

@Crackerscheesescabbyknees she went back to her home cause all of her stuff is there. She suffers from anxiety and was feeling like she was starting to spiral and needed to be in a familiar surroundings while she deals with the current lockdown situation. But I do get what you mean. She may not be able to commit to my life.

@Emmap9 I get that, feeling in limbo is horrible, and yes there is a risk that you wait until after lockdown but she decides she can't be with you anyway. I don't know how the conversations have been between you but do you think it would help if you told her you could take it slowly and work on getting her comfortable with how she can fit into your life? Of course your daughter is your number 1 priority, but I do think it's reasonable to give her some support with adapting to a brand new situation IF she is willing to work at it too. It's a 2 way thing.

Relationships have no guarantees of working out, ever, so I think only you can judge how willing and able you are to try to be patient and work through this to see if you can have a future, if this is just her struggling to adapt under difficult circumstances or a deal breaker. It is a tough one xx

Also, does she have any support for her anxiety? That will be making things much harder for her, some CBT might really help.

It was too much too soon. Love bombing and she found out the grass wasn't greener, so she went home to her spouse.

Same old affair story.

No, don't wait around and date 100% single people next time.

Unfortunately she doesn't owe you anything OP so whilst being upset is understandable, being angry at her isn't. It's not that the lifestyle is different, it is that she's got a better idea of what life in the relationship would be like, and she doesn't like it, it obviously doesn't make her happy. How much you love her has nothing to do with whether or not she feels the same or whether she should reconsider. Relationships often break down once people have lived together and real life sets in.

You were having an affair OP, I'm not surprised the fantasy doesn't live up to the reality. Equally you're seeing someone who's happy to lie to someone they care about and clearly like enough to want to be around, so I would take what she tells you with a pinch of salt either way. It sounds like a convoluted way of her saying she prefers being at home with them, has tried it with you, and still does miss her previous set up, which includes her ex.

I would just end it, it doesn't sound like it's going anywhere and she's been fairly clear about where she wants to be, and that life with you isn't for her. Your set up won't change. Spend time with your daughter and explore dating women when the time is right. Single ones.

You're not going to be out dating right now, so why not just chill. Keep talking etc but go about your own life and see what happens.

There is no way in a million years that I would move someone in with my child so fast, regardless of their sex.

You had an affair and moved her in far too soon when you have a child. For her the grass wasn’t greener, and she’s a cheat. It’s not a fairy tale.

Unfortunately she doesn't owe you anything OP so whilst being upset is understandable, being angry at her isn't. It's not that the lifestyle is different, it is that she's got a better idea of what life in the relationship would be like, and she doesn't like it, it obviously doesn't make her happy. How much you love her has nothing to do with whether or not she feels the same or whether she should reconsider. Relationships often break down once people have lived together and real life sets in.

You were having an affair OP, I'm not surprised the fantasy doesn't live up to the reality. Equally you're seeing someone who's happy to lie to someone they care about and clearly like enough to want to be around, so I would take what she tells you with a pinch of salt either way. It sounds like a convoluted way of her saying she prefers being at home with them, has tried it with you, and still does miss her previous set up, which includes her ex.

I would just end it, it doesn't sound like it's going anywhere and she's been fairly clear about where she wants to be, and that life with you isn't for her. Your set up won't change. Spend time with your daughter and explore dating women when the time is right. Single ones.

This.

You moved someone in with your child after only a year, during much of which she was cheating on her partner.

Not a great parenting decision really.

You played with fire and put your fantasy before your reality, as did she.

It's over, suck it up and next time if you 'fall in love' with someone who is not single, wait for them to leave the relationship before dating. If they feel the same they will leave and do things the right way.

Not keep one foot in each camp, agree to move in with you and your child way way too soon and then realise how foolish they've been.

Sorry OP, time to get real and grow up a bit.

She can’t have been that unhappy as she’s gone back and while it may be entirely true, you fell for the same narrative of them living separate lives, no sex etc that most cheaters come out with. You’ve expected her to slot in with you and your daughter with no consideration for how you getting what you want works for either your daughter or your girlfriend. You’ve had a baby, you knew you were getting one when you were pregnant but I bet that didn’t mean it was exactly as you’d imagined it and she’s YOUR child. This woman knew you were a mum but the reality of 24/7 family life with little notice and in these uncertain times will have been a baptism of fire. As of course your priority is your dependent child but if you’re ready for a relationship you can’t just say “my child comes first” with no consideration as to how your new partner fits into things and expect them to be happy. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

You’ve been overly optimistic and extremely naive on many counts. Sorry you’re sad but you have no right to be angry.

So basically you both had an affair and you fell for the same BS cheating people spout?

To move them in with you during lockdown would have been a bad enough without even having a child involved. A lot of people seem to have done this with rose tinted glasses on, moving new relationships in with no thought to the kids. You have no right to feel angry just because a kid is involved, they aren't a bargaining chip...it is your kid, not hers! So now the reality has kicked in and she's decided it isn't for her. Nothing you can do there, as you left yourself wide open for this to happen.

Moving in during lockdown was a bad move. Your stuck with each other all the time, that is hard enough for any couple let alone a new relationship.

Maybe try dates again once lockdown over and have days out with your daughter so your partner can build an relationship with your child naturally.