Feel rejected and cut out by all of my friends

[AprilMay89]

I have come to a stark realisation that I don't have half the friends I thought I did, and that I've been rejected by most of the people I considered myself close to. It's really driving me to distraction trying to work out what has happened!

I had about a dozen female friends at the beginning of last year, somehow, between now and then I have been ignored and left behind by the vast majority.

For example, one of my close friends messaged me often throughout the year, then the last two messages I sent were read and ignored and she hasn't spoken to me in months.

Another friend was messaging every few months, then one day I replied saying 'how's things?' - again read and ignored, it's been months since we spoke

More general examples are happening throughout my friendships

I have no idea what has caused this, but I feel like it must be something I'm doing! Has anyone had lots lf rejection / friends cutting them out?

A dozen friends!?
That's a lot.
Do you mean close friends, or just people you keep in touch with occasionally.
I have 2 very close friends.
And probably 5 others I consider real friends but only see once or twice a year.
12 is lot to keep on top of.

I came to this realisation too when I was in my early 30s. Once people stop going out as much and start spending more time with partners the impetus to maintain a large circle of friends disappears.

Don’t be sad about it. People can only offer you the amount of friendship they have available. For some people you come into their life when they really need someone and have a lot to give and then they move on and don’t need you anymore. For others you get a real connection and they’ll make room in their life for you.

There is nothing that you can do about this. You’ll be a lot happier if you accept that. Just appreciate the people who do make room for you in their lives.

I say a dozen, but for example 2 are friends I lived abroad with years ago and we talk every few months, but I felt they were important in my life. So I suppose I'm using 'close' to describe how I feel about them, but really close friends, not anywhere near that many

Thanks @BelleSausage those are very good points

Friendships are like the layers of an Onion. Those that are closest to you will always stay close and show their true selves. The rest will come and go & move to the outer layers. I know this well, since I lost my husband very suddenly 2 years ago friends I thought were friends distanced themselves from me because I am now single and a potential threat as a single female. But one or two have remained constant & always there for me.. Focus on your real friends because they are the ones that are always there for you. It's nothing you've done wrong, it's just life. Wishing you all the best .

@BelleSausage, really good way to look at it. I have been 'dropped' (for want of a better word) by a friend of 6/7 years very recently and have been dwelling on it more than I would have under more normal circumstances. I have been going over and over thing in my head, wondering what I did to upset her etc but I'm just going to let it go ( no choice I know but I don't want someone in my life who would treat a 'friend' with such contempt.

@jm42 I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you have good friends who were there for you.

It's strange how people stop being friends with others for pretty strange reasons.

@wish I can relate! It's been driving me mad wondering what I'm doing wrong, I'm sorry you have been going through that with your friend

Do any of these friends know each other? If they do there’s a chance someone has been badmouthing you behind your back. Not because there’s something wrong with your behaviour but because they’re insecure and jealous. It may even be the “friend” that is closest to you.

Jm42 I lost my husband very suddenly 2 years ago friends I thought were friends distanced themselves from me because I am now single and a potential threat as a single female That’s appalling behaviour, some people are shocking - so sorry you lost your husband xx

Sorry I have no advice, but when my h left me for an OW very publicly and very hurtfully, a number of my friends disappeared, either to take sides with him and her or else because I was viewed as a threat as a single woman. It was deeply hurtful.

I have 2 groups of friends - one is 4 women and myself and we message in our group chat almost every day. My best friend is in this group and we defo message daily and speak on phone video call most days.

Other group is mixed, 2 men and another woman. We met at work. We probably all speak to each other at some point daily through work or outside something light hearted. We all have friendships between us separately and I will have texts with most of them most days even if it's a few daft jokes/memes

I have other friends, some I message maybe weekly, some monthly some more infrequently than that, but we've known each other for years and that's the cadence that works.

What I have learned from failed friendships in my past is, I find those that are the best, deepest and emotionally fulfilling are those I invest in regularly. My best friend and two of the work met friends are three of the most important people in my world and I theirs.

Perhaps a 'how you doing?' Infrequently (monthly) is just not enough. I know my friends through and through. I know their love languages, I know how to make them feel seen, known and valued. My questions to them are specific and personal to them. I send them positive affirmation for their achievements. I cheer them from the sidelines. They do the same for me.
These people mean the world to me and my interactions with them display this.

I meant to say .. friendships are like any other relationship, for it to grow strong and meaningful there needs to be investment (from both sides)

It does help when you meet people who feel the same of course.

@OhYeahLucky That's got me thinking...of the people who have cut me out, or started to, none of them know each other. That said, one of the friends who has cut me out does know a close friend of mine, she may interact with her in some way. I wonder if there is something in that.

@nannytothequeen that sounds awful, I can't believe how many people have friends who do things like that to them, I hope things are better now

@cravingthelook you sound like a nice friend, I'd like to do that but I suppose I'm worried about being rejected. I've sent quotes and stuff like that to a friend, tried to engage in a more deep way and often it is met with a lukewarm reply which makes me feel deflated and rejected.

I've realised this too since lockdown. I have had more contact from friends from my hometown then I have from where I live. I just get so fed up, having to contact people first all the time. If I don't, I don't hear from anyone!!!

@AprilMay89

Thank you and perhaps for you it's because you've not found the right people yet.
As, not reacting to your attempts at engagement isn't great on their behalf. That said was your attempts sending quotes more your thing or theirs? Think about that. What would they like to receive?

When you do meet the right people you find the investment easy as you both want to know each other.

As other people have said, once people have a partners friendships take a back seat. That isn't the case for everyone so take heart. I've cultivated friendships in and out of marriage. I'm single now and know that my friendships are so important any potential partner needs to understand that.

It was not always this way for me. Until 6 years ago I never really had a best friend - the amazing lady that is my best friend and I had known each other a couple of years and she went through a separation with her husband, I tried to be supportive and we grew closer. When I split with my husband she was my rock. We tell each other how important we are. We just fit, we like similar things/hobbies/music. We laugh a lot. We've been on holiday a lot together. It makes conversation easy and time spent doing stuff together enjoyable. This helps gel us.

My other two closest friends, one is a fairly new friendship and we can instantly be on the same page. She's smart and articulate and thoughtful and emotionally intelligent and available. Conversation is in-depth and thought provoking and we can get lost in chat for hours.

The other is a man who kind and respectful and funny and a beautiful being. He'll be super serious and wanting to learn one day, but hilariously random the next. We have so many in jokes and daft nicknames that the rest of work just roll their eyes at us. I don't care, I've decided I'm not doing life without him 😂.

That was a long winded way of saying finding someone you connect with on some level is the easiest way to develop a friendship

Do you do hobbies where you can meet someone like minded? If you do meet a friend, try figure out what makes them feel valued. How do they communicate?

My best friend is a quality time and physical touch girl, she wants to hang out and go places together, she loves hugs.
My new friend is also very physical
I get this, I am too, I will touch someone's hand/hug them a lot if they allow it. It makes me feel connected and able to show my sincerity.
My male friend needs words of affirmation, he gives them out in abundance, but as much as he'll never admit it, he needs them back. He indulges my need for hugs within his comfort zone. I respect that and await his, permission/initiation so that he's not uncomfortable.

Of the dozen friends you had, was one more likely to connect than the others? Can you start focusing getting to know that person?

JM42 - so sorry that happened to you.

Thanks again, your replies are so helpful

@Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar I can relate! I even decided to stop contacting people to make the first move and see if anyone bothered to contact me...I think I know the answer to that

I feel in my younger days I was a bit needy...I think I probably embarrassed myself trying to push friendships. Then a while ago I made a wonderful friend who I connected with early on and who put just as much effort it and I didn't feel so needy anymore! She seems no longer interested in maintaining a friendship and it's definitely made me wonder if I am that kind of friend to people or if I'm seen differently

@cravingthelook I really did feel better when I read your post - your friendships sound great, and maybe I could have that too if I meet the right people, thanks for taking the time to post - thanks to everyone who replied also, I think I might have some chance!

I have 7 very good friends. And no half friends (friends who are friends but wouldn't be there at 3am). I contact them all at least once a week, and would see them as much as possible. They contact me just as much.

That sounds like the ideal set up for me, a goof group of friends, regular contact, and equal effort

Deciding to stop contacting people to make the first move and see if anyone bothered to contact me is unlikely to bring friends to your door. Asking "how's things" and sending quotes and stuff may not be enough to draw people in. You need to give something of yourself, open up about who you are and what you care about (without revealing stuff that might make you vulnerable...). Don't just send links without writing something about why you found it interesting and/or why you feel it might be of interest to your friend.

Also recognise that there are different levels of friendship and different routes to close friendship. I have just 2 close friends who I see all the time. One I've known for decades, but we became close only through mutual interests. The other I've known for less than a year, but there was an immediate close connection. There are other friends who might become close friends if we were able to see each other more often. Then there are friends who are on the same wavelength as me: the getting on like a house on fire kinds of friends - though we may never step up to the next level of friendship. Other friends are part of groups that share similar interests, whereby we meet up regularly, share and discuss a lot of stuff, some of it quite intense, but without ever becoming really close.

Each of these types of friends require a different way of interacting. However, the bottom line is, to get something back, you need to offer something that is real and genuine and shows that you care about that person. But always bear in mind that there will be dickheads who are oblivious to the pearls you are offering. No point dwelling on rejection - focus on those who are genuine.

It's difficult in a post on a forum to portray the content and circumstances around individual friendships and to expand on my previous efforts, so possibly not explaining myself. Food for thought. Thanks for replies.