Poor relationship with mum still affecting me as an adult?

[Oldmacdeborah]

I feel ridiculous even starting a thread on this with everything currently going on in the world, but I’ve been wondering a lot about why I’ve always struggled with relationships, predominantly relationships with women.

My mum was/is a hitty, shouty, aggressive woman who is too obsessed with her own feelings to have ever considered mine. I have a sister who is very close to our mum but my mother wasn’t like that as much with her. They are also both very much of the same bitchy, aggressive personality and genuinely only want to talk to you if you’ve got gossip on someone or wish to partake in verbally tearing apart anyone from a loved one to a neighbour. They are very much two peas in a pod.

She made comments about being desperate for a boy etc and I honestly feel that (although the suggestion is utterly mad) it could be why she has always hated me.

I remember as a child thinking she really doesn’t like me. Now I have my own dc I can’t help but think that’s incredibly sad and messed up. It has also made me realise that I do put unnecessary walls up with other women and that my behaviour isn’t typical.

Friendships were discouraged, I wasn’t allowed anyone over. Even as teenagers, never allowed anyone over or sleepovers.

My sister was horrible to me growing up and there’s always been a strange over the top sibling rivalry between us. My mum has the exact same thing with her sister even now and as a result my mum would constantly slate my cousins who were the same age. Partly the reason why I’m wondering if it’s because I wasn’t a boy as all the young children in the family were girls and her dad was desperate for a grandson. Life felt like one big fucked up competition.

Anyway I’m rambling now and going off track. But I’m honestly hoping someone can provide some insight or know why my guard is up so high, mostly with women? Could my non existent relationship with my mother be why? I don’t really talk to her now and when I do it feels incredibly insincere, I no longer feel angry about the lack of relationship, I simply don’t care.

I luckily have a lovely MIL who I’m very close to and have only really felt “mothered” since she’s been in my life. I’ve definitely made it that way, plenty of people have been very kind, fun and friendly over the years that could have easily blossomed into great friendships, but I’ve always distanced myself.

Should probably get some counselling after all of this is over...

Apologies I didn’t mean for it to be so long! Thanks if you’ve made it this far.

I think it's universally accepted view that relationships with parents (good or bad) set a precedent for relationships as adults. Accepting that your was mum was shit and releasing your anger is great, but that alone won't change the part of you that still automatically 'protects' you and distances you from women. That's what counselling can help you with. Dismantlinv the automatic, but unhelpful parts of the protective wall you've had to build and resetting yourself.

Hi there its strange how feelings like this come to the fore, I'm 48 and bad mothering affects me to this day. A dreadful legacy of no self esteem or confidence and a hatred of my body image. Try reading Phillipa Terry's book the book you wish your parents read I found it useful but hard. Lots of love your not alone xx

Sorry its Phillipa Perry

Would you say that you are the quieter between you and your sister? It could be that your DM does not have the emotional strength to cope with your sister and so goes along with whatever your sister says, does or expects from the DM. I have seen quite a few mums who are almost under the control of a daughter. It is horrible but I can see the bind the mums are in. If they react in any way they could be cut off and isolated. That isolation fear could be exacerbated by you being backed off from DM.

I recognise so much of this. I too had a shouty/aggressive (physically and verbally) mum who I felt favoured my siblings (older brother - the golden child, and younger sister - the baby).

I've also not been able to sustain friendships or be truly open emotionally in my romantic relationships. I put that down mainly to the lack of confidence and self esteem my mum brought me up with. I was never good enough, always put down or in my place and felt scared all the time. I'm in my mid 40s now and it's only been in the last few years, and since having children of my own, that I've started to come to terms with how much my childhood affected me. Still a way to go though, and I feel so angry at all my wasted potential.

It sounds like you are suffering from Complex Ptsd this is brought on by a traumatic childhood.

Check out Richard Grannon on Youtube who talks about Cptsd and he highly recommends a book called: Surviving to Thriving Complex Ptsd by Pete Walker.

Your mother and sister sound high in narcissistic traits.

Checkout relationship counsellors dealing with narcissism on Youtube:

Inner integration
Surviving narcissism
Dr Ramani
Melanie Tonia Evans
Crappy childhood Fairy

Research about Childhood emotional neglect and attachment styles.

If you start doing some psychological digging you will find out how your mother is personality disordered ( cluster b - narcissist/psychopath/sociopath)

You will find that you have been abused and that it was nothing to do with you, but your mothers dysfunctional way of parenting.

You are wise to go ‘grey rock’ or ‘No contact ‘ with her and your sister.

Pinterest is also good for reading about these terms.

You are a product of bad parenting and now you need to heal from it all.💐
Knowledge is power!

I second the Phillipa Perry parenting book recommendation. I've also recently bought a book called Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists by Shahida Arabi. I'm not very far through that second one but I think it will be good.

For context, I'm 42 and have struggled all my life with the impact of my mother. Her treatment of me literally affects me every day in all of my relationships. Reading about narcissist mothers was a real light bulb moment though. It's hard to read as it's like someone describing my life and my trauma, but it's given me some understanding of why things are the way they are, which in turn means I can try to stop blaming myself and start healing. So I'd definitely recommend some reading around that.

Ultimately, just know that you're not alone in being shaped by your past but you can find a way to improve things and you are most definitely not alone