Ds just wants to be at dad's house.

[stuckindoors77]

Hi! Not sure what I want here, maybe just a whinge and a bit of a hand hold. I have one ds who is 8. I share care of him with his dad 50/50. This has always worked well and ds has good relationships with us both. During this lockdown though I'm really struggling with the fact that ds doesn't seem to want to be with me. His dad has a bigger house, loads of animals like chickens and rabbits and a dp who also spends quality time with him. I'm on my own, small house and although I try my best I struggle to be "fun mum" all the time. Recently, all ds does is ask when he's going to daddy's house. I asked him what he'd like to do tomorrow and he answered " go to daddy's"
This is hurting so much, I've always struggled with confidence and now my own son doesn't like me.

That is really really tough :( I had similar many years ago when my daughter's dad allowed her to basically set up a small animal zoo! I was working full time and doing all the proper parenting like homework and dentist appointments, I mean, how could I compete with a zoo 😂... It hurt me for a while but when the chips went down and things evolved to a point where she matured a bit and needed a bit more stability and reliability from her parents she fairly rapidly evolved back to me and started to choose me over him. Admittedly my ex was a cock and yours is maybe a decent dad and person but I think all you can do is be grateful he's got two safe homes and suck it up inside for a while. Things will change again once lockdown is over so try not to get too upset about it at the moment.

It's not that he doesn't like you. Your ex has more to offer. Its like being offered a day out to the zoo or a day at the library. You're going for the zoo but that doesn't lessen the value of the books.

My son is the same with his dad. Will pee his pants with excitement when he comes around. I'm lucky if I get a "hi mum" when I finish work.

But who does he want when he'd sick or sad?

It’s not that he doesn’t like you. You know he likes you, it’s just that being at dads house is different and fun. If I asked my kids what they want to do tomorrow they’d say “got to legoland”. They’re never going to say stay at home and be with you Mummy. We’re the ones who get appreciated when they’re in their 40s with their own kids and they realise what we did for them. They’re certainly not going to appreciate what we do now and get ready because my friends with teen boys say it gets even worse. You’ve just got to be cool and laugh it off. Sense of humour is vital to dealing with boys. Also, I find food helps. Boys and their stomachs. I homebake. It’s not my thing really but home made brownies, cookies, bread...they love that and it’s the thing if you ask them what they love about me most, it’s always the food. Start baking chocolate treats with him. Be the pudding mum. They’ve got animals, you can do the cakes. Do you let him help make scrambled egg or porridge in the morning? You could let him do that. They love feeling independent.

Oh and I've just read your last line. Your son DOES like you. He loves you dearly. Set out the clear boundaries of when he is with you and when he is with his dad and maybe stop trying so hard to be fun. Don't ask him what he wants to do all the time, chill a bit and just slow down the pace a bit.

I am 34 now for context. When I was around 11 I was having great fun with my dad one day then me and my mum went to the shop. In the car she was saying oh your dad is so much fun I’m not that much fun but I try to be. I said yes you’re not that much fun. I still to this day feel SO bad for saying that. I love my mother and she’s fantastic. Don’t worry about not being the fun one. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t adore you and love you to pieces!!!

Thank you everybody who took the time to be kind.... I know ds does love me really. I just can't compete with the lifestyle that his dad has to offer. His dad is a great dad and a nice guy and we co parent well so this is more about my jealousy. I did have a chat to my ds about whether he wanted to spend more of the lockdown with his dad then maybe go on a lovely camping trip with me when it's lifted, but he said no he would miss me too much, so I felt a bit better.

Start baking chocolate treats with him. Be the pudding mum.

We're baking gingerbread men and cheese scones tomorrow as it happens.

I give my boys a little square of Dairy Milk every day. It’s their special little treat and they love it and it’s those little things that they remember. Chocolate will always compete with fun Dad ;) enjoy your baking tomorrow. Let him stick some chocolate buttons on the gingerbread men or decorate them with icing. Thumbs up for that.

I’m 28 now, but I remember being about 7/8 years old and thinking dad is my favourite - looking back now that was because he would do all the fun stuff, give me what I wanted and there was no boundaries. As I got older I realised my mum was my rock and couldn’t live without her.