Could be a long story, but I will try to summarise and will provide more info if it should be queried
ExH was very abusive. Mainly domestic abuse but also emotionally & financially. He didn't work, I had 3 jobs and he took every penny I had. He has diagnosed MH problems, alcohol/substance addictions and anger management issues. I escaped about 8 years ago, have been divorced for many years now. Two kids, now aged 11 and 12. Over the years, I made efforts to ensure he still maintained contact with the kids. This varied a lot over the years, depending on his own situation and his stability levels. This was all interspersed with solicitor contact, not me just changing things willy nilly but simply responding to an unstable individual as best I could, whilst trying to ensure my children were safe, happy and maintained some sort of bond with their father (who, for all his many faults, actually does love them)
Anyhooo...in Dec 19, the sh*t hit the fan and I made the decision that actually, after almost 9 years of being away form this man, he was still controlling my life in a way, and I was still taking his abuse, and it arising that my kids were not safe around him due to domestic violence with his partner and his drinking - I cut contact completely. He was advised via solicitor that if he wanted to argue it, take me to court. Suffice to say, we have neither seen nor heard from him since.
I am enjoying the silence. Its really shown me how much control he actually still had, even after all these years after escaping DV. My son (12) is delighted. Didn't enjoy seeing his dad very much, particularly over last year or so. He was always treated differently than my daughter. He seems content and happy now. Does not mention his dad.
Daughter (11), is increasingly struggling. She admits herself that her dad had serious issues, and that some of the behaviour she has witnessed is inappropriate (understatement). But, she misses him terribly and cries most evenings, asking to be able to see him, call him, write him a letter. I have declined all of these requests as its only been 4 months and I really don't want him back in our lives. It seems he is/was becoming increasingly and more regularly unstable due to MH and alcohol issues, and I cant be sure my children, or myself, are safe around him. I have tried explaining to a very upset 11 yo that her dad loves her, but he's unwell and we need to give him space to sort himself out. But she blames me, as though I am purposefully keeping them apart out of badness. Its a daily struggle.
I selfishly want to highlight how much effort its been to get us where we are, from dealing with the abuse while I was married to leaving in the middle of the night with two toddlers and a black bag, to work my arse off for 8 years to give them a nice home and a safe place. We have everything we could ever want now, and I've done it all alone. All this work, with my kids as a top priority at all times, to discover that actually, she would rather be with him, a parent who even on his best days, doesn't put them in his top 5 priority list, visiting some random girlfriends home where she has to share a sofa bed with her brother, watching him drink and argue and god knows what else.
I obviously wouldn't say this to her, but my god, it bubbles away in my mouth. I know she misses her dad. But he's not a good man, he's not a good role model and for the time being, he cannot be in our lives. She has a loving family, she is safe and loved and cared for. I don't know what the future holds for her relationship with her dad, I don't have all the answers that she wants me to give her. I don't know how to deal with it anymore.