Is there something wrong with me ?

[Scaryprospects]

I separated from my husband last year as I just couldn’t take it anymore. We tried counselling, our differences were just too much and I just realised I was so deeply unhappy. He was too deep down but as I support the family he just continued to be awful. I left and I am now living with my parents. He has the house and the car at the moment, which I pay for all the bills. My mind is a mess on a daily basis and I struggle to think clearly. I recognise that there was emotional abuse by him and it took all my strength to leave.

I’m still on the same level as unhappy and I struggle to move the divorce forward. I feel like I made a promise to him and taking away his home and support is breaking that promise. I worry about where he will live and that he will not have the same lifestyle as what I have provided for the family.

A lot of people have said that I should try dating to see how I feel but I don’t want to be with anyone. All my energy has been sapped. I’ve been to my GP and she doesn’t think I’m depressed. I’ve also tried Individual counselling and again doesn’t really help. He has accused me of having an affair but just refuses to accept his actions have caused me to break.

Has anyone been in a similar situation ? Does the grief slowly disappear ? Or is it like this forever. I feel so guilty on my child for splitting up her family but I just couldn’t be with someone who didn’t love me anymore. A year on now I feel that maybe family life and being miserable is better than a broken home and being miserable.

You absolutely did the right thing and the feelings you have are normal. The guilt you feel is something that takes time to heal, but you tried your best. You can’t force him to take Responsibility. You need to focus on changing your thought process and think positively and that will help you.

Did you leave with the child or is she with him?

We split access. He has her three nights per week I have her four nights per week.

I’m looking to move this to every other weekend & 1 night in the week for him.

@fluffymummykins apologies I missed your post. Thanks for your reply. I just have no idea how i get to that place. I’ve been really trying to think positive but the grief is just so strong. I wanted more children and I certainly didn’t want a divorce. It’s like I’m grieving a life I thought I was going to have.

I know life is not a fairytale but I just didn’t see this for me. I think it’s why I held on for so long.

@scary I do feel for you as I know what it's like. I too split from my husband and was left paying for everything which just added to the grief I felt. He guilt tripped me about 'tearing the family apart' even though he was the abusive one. It carried on for a good few years after we split.
It ended up with me being made bankrupt as I just couldn't keep up with all the bills on one salary and trying to run my own household. 8 years later and my credit score is shot, I'm trying to slowly get back on track.
I will be renting forever whilst he has just bought himself a house.
Don't fall into my trap of trying to pay for everything and juggle everything because of guilt.

@IndieTara I’m so sorry to read that. Did you have children ?

The bills have got to stop. I want a clean break but even that makes me feel incredibly guilty. I’m a very loyal person and it goes against my values so much I think that’s why I’m struggling with it all.

My parents have wedding photos all around the house it’s like I’m going crazy

Hi @scary yes we have a DD so it's been hard on her too.
You really do need to try and sort this out as soon as you can. I completely understand the guilt but you are also entitled to a decent life.
He is an adult and should be acting like one. However there is nothing that you can do to make him change, nothing you can do to try and influence or control the way he acts. The only thing you can control is your own response to him and the way you move forward. The way you do this now will have a huge bearing on your future.

OP, one thing at a time. See a solicitor and sort out your divorce. You are not responsible for financially supporting a single man.

Get your divorce sorted before you think about dating. You can’t juggle the emotional strain of leaving one relationship with starting a new one. If you try it’ll end badly.

Clear away the mess left after your marriage otherwise it’ll get in the way of everything else in your life. You can’t start making a new life until you’ve cleared up the broken bits of your old one.

And tell your parents to take the pictures down. It’s your life, not theirs.

You sound very empathic and that is a good thing but you do need to value yourself and work out what is an acceptable boundary. Getting a financial agreement is necessary for you both to move on however you will grieve and feel sad. It can take a long time to recover, there is no fixed timeframe but often those who are empathic take longer as they absorb all the negative feelings.

Usually it is the woman in the weaker financial position so the split maybe skewed towards him however that does depend on what childcare he does and how it impacts his work.

Do you have a view of what the assets will be, including pension? Can you see a way that you are both in housing going forwards?

You were his partner not his parent. He is an adult. It is not your responsibility to house him and provide for him.

I am not entirely sure why your financial situation is the way that it is. But if this situation was reversed quite a few people would expect a husband who left to carry on supporting his wife in family home until finances are resolved. To what extent and in what context would vary of course. Don’t know why it is the case here. Guilt is not a factor but there are certain obligations that continue and don’t stop because you leave.

As often quoted marriage offers protections and these are not specific to women. It’s not as simple as a man or a woman walking away and saying the other person is an adult and should stand on their own two feet. Sometimes the other person can’t because of the sacrifices they have made. This is usually to parent but can also be because they have moved country and cannot work or get housing.

My advice would be to fulfil whatever legal or even moral obligations you have to your ex. But go no further. Then get the ball rolling on ending the marriage and getting your own home. Function means more in life and parenting than form.

I left because he wouldn’t and the continuous rowing was not good for our DD. I am the main breadwinner but we both work full time. I earn a very good salary but I am the one that’s had to take a set back for my career in terms of flexibility. He had the opportunity to progress but didn’t want to. (Pre children)

My intention is to buy him out, give 60%-70% of the equity. No pension contribution - my solicitor is pretty

Solicitor keen to progress everything I’m just finding it so difficult from an emotional perspective to start closing the chapter.

Strangely enough my solicitor has also asked how I can have such a strong career yet be so weak on my personal life.

Sorry that was supposed to say my solicitor is pretty confident as we are still young courts would deem a clean break appropriate.

I’m not suggesting that I leave anyone in the gutter, it’s what I’m trying to avoid most and I don’t know why.

Thanks for all your replies I value your opinion. I have no one around me that has gone through this before. It adds to feeling like a failure.