Frightened, sad and alone

[famousforwrongreason]

Difficult time and feeling so alone.
My family member is so toxic and complex and refusing cancer treatment, is scared of hospital and operations plus believes God will heal. This is the most toxic poisonous person who destroyed my childhood and my mental health is shaky to say the least.
and we haven't spoken for years since I threatened them with the police if they came near me.
We've not spoken to her since I found out about the cancer. Just getting info from my the only person in our whole family who has stayed in touch with them.
They have wasted so much NHS time in the last couple of weeks and been really nasty so that now nobody in the family will help.
I've taken loads of advice and the hospital will contact gp etc and there might be alternative treatment or court ordered treatment later on if the cancer gets worse but the law is not black and white around mental health, faith and life saving treatment. apparently the cancer has been there a long time but its advancing slowly.
This person could present as sane one minute and and unwell the next so without proper assessment they just look difficult. There was a previous mental health diagnosis from a different local authority area but this doesn't seem to be recorded anywhere as far as I can tell with my limited access to the situation . there's nothing I can do without risking my mental health and my own physical health further. It just brings so much back, Its just so overwhelming and I'm a keyworker, trying to work and parent etc. , I find it impossible to concentrate on anything because my head is so full!
And on top of this, my Ex has disturbed. Me, In a nutshell : he got in touch yesterday to say he misses me and is sad that I'm just getting on with my life and I don't seem to be suffering like he is, he will never meet anyone like me again and wishes things were different etc soo that threw me a bit. hhe clearly hasn't learned anything about his own behaviour or contribution so that was good in a way as I was starting to get a bit emotional because of my loneliness and fears and family issues, but it still really shook me as I was really getting him out of my system . I think he's struggling because he is stuck in and can't go partying and enjoying the tinder smorgasbord but it started me down the line of thinking maybe a shit relationship is better than no relationship.. ...
None of my friends are any support. Everyone has their own issues at the moment, my best friends are both battling with alcohol addiction at the same time and other close friends are either key workers or dealing with anxiety etc so I feel so alone and screwed up.

I'm sorry you are going through this, famous.

Your relative is not your responsibiity. In her case it sounds as though her mental health is the biggest problem, i don't blame her for not wanting cancer treatment (you don't say what type of or where the cancer is). As people get older cancer grows slowly, sometimes it isn't even diagnosed until post mortem, so don't worry about that.

Regarding her mental health problems, if she gets out of hand something will eventually be done for her but maybe she can function at the moment. Either way I do not understand why you are concerned apart from natural concern for others who are ill; she damaged you as a child, that's reason enough to be involved.

Your ex is suffering because of lockdown. When everything gets back to normal, I wonder if he will say the same things to you. Isolation makes people introspective and you were obviously a big part of his life but, remember, you were getting him out of your system. He hurt you so don't be a pushover.

It is lonely for many people right now. Please try and find a mutually supportive group to chat to on the internet or see if there is a local online group that is offering suggestions and help - you may find you can help from a distance.

In the meantime, keep on posting here, you'll find lots of support and love.

I meant, 'NOT' to be involved, second para.

OP forget the family member, you have nothing to do with them therefore you are worrying about something that doesn’t effect you in any way

As for your ex you can choose to ignore him

Stop becoming involved or worrying about shit which you need not bother with

@lynda thank you for replying. I guess the family thing is very difficult to understand from the outside, it should be easy to just leave i and In reality I have backed off and am very boundaried but it is affecting me because my whole make up is down to this person and I've spent a lifetime trying to repair the damage, it's affected all my relationships and brought considerable damage in so many ways, having had no contact for several years and then going straight in to this is quite full on, with or without lockdown!
And yes, with the ex, I agree, it's a huge time for introspection for everyone, I know him and his patterns and I'm sure he'll move on fast once we're up and running again.
I guess our relationship is another example of how much my childhood affected me because I accepted so much shit from him and always accepted the blame because of my Mental health. I have really got a lot of work to do to get some equilibrium, I am going to speak to a therapist next week.

@Thepigeonsarecoming haha that is strong talk but made me laugh because that is my default setting to always worry where others would walk away. I think it is hard to walk away from a relative who has nobody else even though they've been on self destruct all your life.
The ex, pah! I was getting over him, this family stuff and corona and being alone has made me feel very vulnerable, I will get him out of my system again. He is not for me and never was.

OP this does sound more about your issues than about what anyone else is doing. That is ok, you need to deal with them and glad you have a therapist. I hope you get help, in the meantime if you want to open up you can

Cross posted there Op!

Yup. My issue is grief I think. Unresolved grief and loss of so many things that things like this really bring it to the fore.

That all sounds really tough. You’re being sucked dry by two people, who clearly consume a lot of your energy. You have been trained by other people or perhaps by this family member to rescue them and to be focused on them, rather than yourself. Your ex and family member are both taking chunks out of you because they know they can. Is this what you want?

Perhaps now is the time to appreciate you are not a victim and you do have choices. You can choose not to get involved. You can choose you and your mental health. You can choose to put down the phone and end the call or not respond to texts. If this means the person, who made your childhood so difficult becomes very ill and dies, this will have been their choice. It is their life. You cannot control everyone either.

There seems to be so much drama in your life. But you can choose to be still and not let their choices affect you. Both of these people seem to be pretty narcissistic and it’s probably no surprise you ended up with a partner with similar behaviour to what you had experienced as a child.

@Mummyoflittledragon your post is spot on. I seem to make a beeline for narcissistic types in every area of my life and I attract a lot of drama, obviously it's my pattern, despite working really hard to simplify my life.
I guess that combo is why I'm feeling so alone now. My non narcissistic friends don't want the drama and the narc types have nil interest because I'm joy currently offering them anything useful.
Bizarrely, I and siblings have wanted this person to die forever. It's been a big fear of mine but it would also be a relief.
Now it's actually looking likely its quite a minefield of emotion, not least, guilt.
I need to sleep now but I really appreciate everyone's input.

Glad what I said was useful. Yeh, let’s just say some of us have first hand experience of some what you’re going through too...

Idk how old your family member (parent?) is. However, some people don’t want to go through treatment in their twilight years. The praying could all just be a facade and way of dealing with the inevitable. Just bear this in mind when you’re trying to assuage the guilt of stepping away.

I don’t think you necessarily want them dead. It’s more for the torture and torment to stop and for this, it’s easier if they ceased to exist. At the same time, there is love for them. The biological love, which you cannot help despite yourself. Use that love for you to self care.

I think contacting your therapist really would be really useful. It doesn’t sound like you’re at the end of your journey of healing. Once you’ve actually gone further along the way, you’ll perhaps realise there is room on the planet for them too. And at the very least their passing will be easier to bear.

Please don't take your ex back. A shit relationship is really not better than none. I'm sorry you feel so alone and so much is going on for you, but he really won't make it better.

You're having such a tough time. But you will get through it.

Thank you, you lovely people. @Mummyoflittledragon, family member is not elderly, should realistically have another thirty odd years of marauding to do yet! Thank you for understanding.

@category12 I definitely won't. I keep reminding myself of the hurt and coldness when I really needed him and the complete lack of culpability when he was clearly thoughtless and repeatedly dishonest!
It's just loneliness and desperation making me think like that but I got rid of him for very good reasons!