Another lack of sex thread

[anotheroneofthosethreads]

I've been with my partner 2 years living together the last six months. He's a lovely affectionate man who will do anything for me. Always wants cuddles, kisses and tells me he loves me. But our sex life is almost non existent.

It's driving me insane. It happens once a week if I'm lucky. I've given up taking the initiative as when I do I'm usually knocked back. It's making me feel unattractive and crap. I've already on numerous occasions told him that I'm not happy with things how they are. Nothing has changed. Lockdown is making it worse because of having two teens around.

He initiates it usually once a week and now I'm beginning to feel like it's just a routine. There's no spontaneity or excitement. That makes me feel sad as we should still be in the 'honeymoon period'. For instance this evening the DC have taken themselves off to bed earlier and within 5 minutes of them going up he's asked if I want to go to bed and watch a film. I told him no, but he's gone up anyway to watch one.

He is on ADs which I know don't help the situation and I feel awful because he is otherwise affectionate and caring. I'm just not sure how to tackle this any longer.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I've just come out of a relationship that ended which this as a major factor. Not sure that entirely helps, however what I would say is i felt like my DP was wonderful in every way APART from in the sack. It ended up in him not even being able to initiate as it just stopped working, and we'd go weeks. I cant actually remember the last time...

What i do know is sexual rejection hurts deeper than anything else, and when done repeatedly crushes your self esteem like no other.

Does he watch porn?
Does he have ED?

I get peoples sex drives might not match completely, but if this important to you then he should do something about it instead of subjecting you to a sexless existence. It's soul destroying and down right selfish!

This is only going to go one way

Thankyou for the reply and I'm sorry you've been through the same.
I don't think he watches porn. If he does I'm not too bothered. Sometimes when we eventually do it he can't finish or has difficulty getting hard come to think of it.

The whole thing just makes me feel rubbish. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being unreasonable but once a week isn't enough for me. When we were dating we sometimes wouldn't see each other for weeks and it would drive me insane but I thought he was just chilled and understanding about the situation, obviously he wasn't

@Verily1 that's what I'm worried about. I don't know if it's salvageable. I don't want to go down that route over sex but....

AD’s can have a huge impact on libido.

It would be unreasonable to expect him to have sex his doesn't want or need

Your best option is to leave so you can both find someone you are sexually compatible with.

I don't expect him to have sex if he doesn't want to. I haven't put any demands on him at all other than when it's come up in discussion and I've told him how I feel. I don't know how he feels other than he always seems to have an excuse (work, stressed, tired, the DC)

He may just have a far lower libido than you. Can you live with that for the rest of your life?

@Aloe6 that's the question I don't know.

Once a week isn't non-existent.

It sounds like you have mismatching libidos. How important is it to you? Would you be happy to sort yourself out and just have sex once a week for the future? If not, and it's a dealbreaker, then you need to end things.

Is he diabetic? The meds for that can cause ED.

Did you know him before he was on the antidepressants? What was his libido like then? Tbh I would guess it's that. Perhaps you could suggest he tries a different one?

Low testosterone?
Overweight?
Erectile dysfunction?
Heart disease?

Has he seen his gp?

Anti depressants, can affect sex drive ( if they are long term,) as mine are hormone related, or reactive depression, you need to ask

I didn't know him before he was on ADs he was single for a very long time before we got together. I doubt very much he would speak to a GP about things.
He knows something is wrong but I can't bring myself to talk about it to him - mainly because I don't think he's sees there is an issue. And I've brought it up before and there's been no change. It's been almost two weeks now and I just feel like I give up tbh. I feel unattractive and crap because of this. I don't feel wanted or desired. I'm just good for cuddles when he wants them.

Again tonight the DC have gone up to bed and literally 10 minutes later he's saying he's going up to watch TV.

When I say I am going up early to watch TV my DH knows that is code for I’m up for it. Specially when teens are in the house, I wouldn’t risk the sofa.
As PP said, once a week is not non-existent. Personally I prefer quality over quantity but it sounds like you have a much higher drive than your partner and I agree that rejection is painful, so maybe it is time to go your separate ways.

The DC are still awake to there so there's no chance he means it as a code word for sex. I feel awful because in every other way he's caring and attentive and shows his affection for me. But I don't feel wanted or desired and I just feel like he's not that attracted to me. I don't want to come across as shallow and like sex is the bee all and end all because I know it isn't. But I do feel rejected.

I've been in abusive relationships where I haven't been treat with the respect that I get now. But the sex was always great. I just feel like he doesn't find me attractive in that way at all and he's just happy having a family life to share with someone.

I have a high sex drive so I get how frustrating this issue can be when it doesn't happen as much as you want.

I guess it's time to spell it out that this could be a dealbreaker for you. That may make him realise you mare serious or you need to figure out if once a week is enough. Wil he help you out or do other things for you if he isn't in the mood himself?

Stop telling her to send him to a GP because he doesn't want to have sex more than once a week. Would you say that to a woman?

OP, your libidos (libidi) may not be compatible and it's unlikely to change either way without resentment building on the side of the person who has to adjust their natural sex frequency. Time to think about what you prioritise in a relationship.