I was his rebound, will I always feel second best to the one he really wanted

[Namechange0205]

18 months ago I met a man who’s wife had just left him. He was upset, hadn’t wanted her to leave and looking for a rebound. I was in an awful relationship kind of thing that I kept going back to a toxic man for some reason, I needed to find a distraction so I no longer went back to him.
I knew the new man was looking for a rebound and as I needed something or someone else then I was actually happy for the distraction and it was really fun.
However, it’s actually been 18 months now, we’ve had some bumps in the road, upset and disappointment but its settled down and pretty good at the moment and has been for that last 6 months.
He’s stable, decent, treats me well and I really fancy him.
The thing is some days I feel like it wasn’t me he actually wanted and that he would still go back if she let him.
I’m not sure how to stop feeling like this, it doesn’t change my daily life as I can just carry on, it does have an impact on how I view our future though. I’d like to meet someone I’d like to live with and buy a house with and plan a future with. I’d like that fairy tale and I can’t do that with someone when I feel second best, especially when we had so much disappointment in the beginning. I already have children and do not want anymore. I also own my own house and have a nice life.
I often ask myself if I love him and I don’t know how to answer, I’m not sure I believe in love to be honest and iv never really been in love for a long period before getting hurt and so I now have a guard that I struggle to let down fully.
I want to be so in love with someone that I want to remarry and share everything with but I’m not feeling that
Should I just ignore my insecurities and just enjoy living in the moment for now? Or does anyone have and ideas how to stop feeling this way?
Thanks

Are you sure that you're the rebound here and not him?
I have a very similar situation to you. I met my DP when just out of an awful relationship and he had recently been left by his wife. He really didn't want the break up and neither of us were looking for anything serious. Just to get over someone by getting under someone else.

However, after initially dating, I realised that we actually liked eachother and neither of us were in the right place mentally. So we have it up, lived as friends for a few months and then reconnected as something else.

As a result, we are both very sure of our feelings for eachother and from eachother. We're happy and secure and in love.

The difference here is that both of us took space and that ensured that neither of us was a rebound for the other.

You found him as a happy distraction and now you are wondering if you are his rebound and how you feel about him. Now you could be feeling that way because you're insecure about his feelings for you and you're projecting his potential feelings onto you or you could be projecting your feelings onto him.

Maybe take some time to consider what the real issue is.

Thanks for replying @Crackerscheesescabbyknees
The thing is I know how I feel about the bad relationship I was in and I don’t give him a seconds thought or have anything to do with him, he wasn’t my exh or father of my children, just someone who I had got involved with since leaving my exh.
My new BF in the other hand is still very much involved with his exw as they have children and I don’t mind that but I also know that he had told Her numerous of times at the beginning of our relationship that he still wanted her back. He told me this, not to be horrible but because I asked and I also understand that because he was upset because of the end of his marriage (only someone not nice wouldn’t care and he is nice). It just makes me feel like I’m second best and like he will never love me like he did (maybe still does) his exw. He tells me he loves me, but never that this is the happiest he’s ever been or that I make him happier than anyone else. I feel pathetic thinking it and he would Probably say those things if I asked him but not without being prompted.
Some days I just feel like I’m going through the motions and not actually feeling much towards the relationship and I know it’s because I don’t want to give too much and be hurt.
I may be me projecting though, just thinking that we talk about the future but to be honest it’s probably me that doesn’t actually want it. I wanted the fairy tale and will never have that with him. He’s not really my type if I think about it too, I usually go for narcissistic and abusive men and he’s not like that at all.
I don’t think I can fall in love if I’m honest and I don’t know how too

Two things - BOTH of you met each other as rebounds. At difficult time’s of your lives when each of you wanted to move on.
However - that fact doesn’t make it impossible for the relationship to actually turn out into something lasting - if you are well suited and work well, and feelings develop.

And the second comment. Unless you are a teenager - chasing that ‘fairly tale’ is just plain silly. It’s the stuff that belongs in Rom-coms. Adult term strong and lasting relationships are build on a combination of compatibility; joint interests & goals; friendliness; sexual compatibility and emotions, of course (but necessarily some overblown lightning in the sky types)

Do you know why his marriage ended?

If he told you he would go back to his wife, if she wanted that, how would you feel?

Oh gosh I really want this to work out. You sound like you met when you were both going through the mill in your lives and now you've found something good?

Mind you I have been in a relationship before where I felt my partner would have preferred to be with his ex I'd he had the option. I spent three years with this man feeling upset and trying to just accept this reality. (In hindsight, he wanted me to feel second best to keep control of me. I don't think that's what is happening here.)

Now I wish I had just realised I couldn't accept feeling like that, sat him down and asked him "if things were different would you prefer to be with her than me?"

And then you will have your answer.

It's been a long time now and I'm sure he feels different to how he did at the start. He wouldn't be with you for 18 months if he didn't love you. I would voice your concerns to him and let him reassure you, or if you aren't satisfied with his answer then think about ending it.

I think you need to let him go.
Even if he was madly in love with you and showing u every 5 mins u still wouldn't be happy cause as you said yourself, you are not that into him.
If you are only going through the motions, he will definitely feel that and it's making him feel like shit.

Your problem is that you jumped into a rebound because you couldn't walk away from a to u relationship unaided. You need to be alone for a while and sort out your head and feelings, work on yourself and the unresolved issues within you from past toxic relationships. You say your usual type is narcissistic abusive men. That usually means there are underlying issues of self confidence, low self worth etc. Work out why u are attracted to men who treat you unwell, and now that u have found a guy that doesn't treat you kind, you are not that attracted to him.

Whether he is still into his ex or not, the issue here is within you. You will continue feeling insecure within relationships/get attracted to toxic guys unless you work on yourself.

Hope I don't come off as too judgy, that's just the way I write 😂