Is it over?

[Madmax29]

I feel lost. I dont know what to do anymore. My wife does not show any interest in me what so ever. I try all the things I can think of but get nothing back. I've not really got any friends to talk to as we all went our seperate ways and have lost touch. I dont want to worry my family at this time while we are in lockdown because they would want me to go to them and i dont want that at this current time. I know if I talk to her again about it i will just get the "well leave then". I'm so unhappy. The only thing that is making me stay is my daughter. I love her so so much and I would not know what to do. I need help.

So you know she doesnt want you? I imagine this has been going on a while. Do you support her financially? That may be the reason she hasn't left when she is clearly unhappy. Are you only staying because you have no one else?

Hi difficult without knowing the situation. As a general observation people give up on marriage too early (how long have you been married...when did it start going South)? Also though to save a marriage ultimately requires two people to try (although not initially. Have you talked to her about her perspective. Sometimes the love for a child can be the candle that keeps you motivated to keep trying until you start to make progress.

She says she does love me. But she never makes and effort for me, never makes an effort for us. There is never a cuddle coming from her or even a kiss. And intimacy is just non existent unless I start things but normally 9 out of 10 times I'm rejected.

I'm only staying because of my daughter. I love her so much and i don't know what I would do if I couldn't see her every day. I know this shouldn't be the reason to stay because we can sort the seeing of my child but I would need this sorted before I could leave.

How old is your DD? What is the division of household and out-of-house labour? Are you both getting equal time out of the house doing your own thing? (Not right now but during normal times.)

How long has this been happening?
We are living in very difficult times. If she is scared and stressed, struggling with lock-down, trying to cope with a small child who she can’t take to the park or trying to home educate a 6 yo, I can see how that much anxiety might kill anyone’s libido.
If so, forget about intimacy for the moment and concentrate on helping her, easing her load and working as a team. Just try to get through this is healthy & sane.
Maybe that will rekindle things once lockdown is over.

This has been going on for a long time. But it's now for me that during this time I've realised I need to do something. Our dd is 9yrs old.

I do most of the stuff around the house as I work nights. I do the school runs and most of the cooking. I think that I'm a pretty good catch in that respect as I would do anything for anyone in household but no one will offer to do anything for me. The time has come I just need to work out what to do.

It sounds like your DD would be best off with a 50/50 split of residence. That way you could continue doing school runs and have all day with her on your day off.

Do you think your W will be co-operative in the event of a split?

I really dont know how she would act. I think as someone else said i think she is scared to say it's over because she will feel like she would need to leave then. So I think she is waiting for me to say it's over and make me go.

Which i think is going to have to happen. But infant to get things in place before anything happens. She is not on the mortgage and has never contributed towards it but I guess that doent matter. It's not about the money it's about my happiness and my dd's happiness.

Have you asked her what she wants? When she felt the relationship went down the tubes? How her life could be better?

Did she even feel abandoned when you went out at nights? Was she happy about the situation or wanted more? Is her life fulfilled or is she a housewife when she always dreamed of more?

Are you a grumpy moaning faced shite? Do you sit around eating crap and making a mess? Not noticing stuff? Leaving her to do all the gas bill, car insurance, stuff etc?

Could it be that the minute she gives an inch and kissed you in the past you presumed sex may be available and she wasn’t up for that so said no and you went in a huff? Are there mixed messages?

Has your appearance changed? As in you now weigh twice what you used to, or you’ve stopped caring about your appearance (washing, cleaning teeth, dentist regularly etc)? Or have a beard and she happens to dislike them?

Is she tired or worried about something? Do you ever talk about non-household related things? Do you do stuff together at all?

If you want to get a chance of rekindling your relationship you have to talk. Neither getting defensive. Letting the other speak. Bring honest. If you can’t both do that you will never get to the bottom of this.

It could be that you can’t both do this and putting your daughter first is the priority now. It’s better to have two households with living parents than one where she can sense the tension.

Your wife may feel there is just no coming back and you’re more like brother and sister now but she doesn’t want to downsize into two smaller properties so stays. I don’t personally think that’s a good enough reason. But I understand it. Good luck.

Oh, just read your other message there, why would she be the one to leave? If she’s your wife she’s get half of everything so it’s more likely you’d get a flat while the house is sold to minimise disruption to your child, who’s stay with her mum until the house is sold and then you split the capital and get new pads.

Yes I am grumpy, but only because of not being given any attention. I sort all the household Bill's and do most of the food shopping even do 80-90% of the cooking. So I'm pretty much running the house myself anyway.

She never wants to talk about stuff and if I do bring it up she just says well if your not happy then go. She doesn't want me here I can feel it, but cant do anything at the moment due to coronavirus.

Sorry that sounds a bit wrong. About not getting attention. What it was meant to mean is that in would do anything for her, if she has a pain in would give her a massage, I make the dinners I get up and make drinks. I do not sit on my arse expecting to be waited on. But what would be nice was if I had a pain that I ask for a massage that it doesn't feel like I've asked for the world. This just an example and not the hole picture.