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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't know what to do about my relationship?!?!

13 replies

heeyy12345 · 13/04/2020 19:04

NC for this

I've been with my DP now for 5 years, living together for 4, (I'm 31 and he's 27.) Our relationship has been amazing, loving, happy. That was until the beginning of the lock down.
His DM and Gran and my DF are all shielding and I wanted to make a scrapbook for them to cheer them up (all online, not sending anything) and I knew he had some photos of a wedding we attended and he took some lovely photos of his siblings and parents together. I asked him if I could have a look his gallery to view the photos and I was a bit taken aback when he refused and he would send them too me later on that evening. I let it go at first but my gut was telling me that something was up. I usually know his password but he's obviously changed it recently so I couldn't go into his phone but I know he usually never signs out of Facebook on his I pad and he hadn't this time either but there were no messages to anyone suspicious, hasn't liked or commented on anyone's photos. Went on his Instagram and them same story there too. I know he isn't having an affair cause if he isn't at work he's at home, he doesn't drink alcohol so doesn't go to clubs and pubs, doesn't have many friends to go out with and he works with my DB so if anything fishy was going on at the workplace DB would tell me. A few days later he was sat next to me and I watched him type in his password and that night went into his phone. Again no messages to anyone, no snapchats - nothing! That was until I went into his galley and found downloaded photos of my cousin, one of his colleagues and my sister, Confronted him next morning and at first he said a friend sent him the photos on whats app, asked him which friend and I could literally see him thinking madly of a friend to pin it on, told him to stop lying so he admitted he downloaded them, asked him why and again you could see him trying think of something to say! His explanation: they're just faces. Faces to fantasise about, faces of people we both know in real life! I'm absolutely fine about porn but fully clothed photos of my family members and a work colleague is something else entirely! He rambled on and on that he would never act on his fantasies and that's all they are just fantasies and it's just a photo and that he loves me to death. He asked if I have honestly never fantasised about anyone, of course I have, but I've never gone as far to download their photos into my phone. I don't know if this something we can ever get past, I know I'm in the wrong to go snooping and I have moments when I wish I hadn't and things would still I've amazing between us, I do still love him but how can I be in the same room as him and this women together again? I understand men look at other women and find another women attractive. If I end things with him now then he will have no where to go, he's a frontline worker so he can't go back to his parents home, his gran is also shielding and I morally can't ask anyone to risk and put their lives on the line to take him in either. So that would mean he would have to stay put for the meantime no matter what I decided to do. I honestly don't know if I'm being silly and dramatic or perhaps over reacting about the whole situation. Any advise, anyone been through something similar?

OP posts:
Shadowdoor21 · 13/04/2020 19:33

Oh no, poor you. I totally agree with you. I think the fact that they are family ect is mega creepy. I dunno if I could get past that. Its...odd.

Could you go somewhere else for a few months instead? Has there been anything ing his behaviour before that has seemed off.

heeyy12345 · 13/04/2020 19:46

@shadowdoor21 no nothing in his behaviour before. Our relationship has been amazing - we've have tonnes of fun, amazing communication, do everything together, he's my best friend. If it wasn't for him refusing to allow me to look at photos of the wedding then I wouldn't have worried about anything at all. Have never doubted him or been through his phone snooping before either. So him downloading photos potentially could have been happening throughout our entire relationship.

No, there's no where I could go, it would mean not only me having to relocate temporarily but also my 2 children (from a previous relationship) and it's just not possible during this time.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/04/2020 19:47

Ugh what a creep. Do you know what you want to do about this?

Shadowdoor21 · 13/04/2020 19:50

I hate to say it but maybe it's a case of just letting this one slide (If possible. For now anyway) then. You might find that it's something you cant get past in the future, which is fair enough. But if you dont wanna shunt him out rn...maybe count it as his first and last strike?

heeyy12345 · 13/04/2020 19:54

@hollowtalk no, not yet. My head is very muddled. Apart from petty arguments here and there and one major fallout (nothing to do with porn or trust issues) so I'm out of my depth and in such a shit place right now with this and everything going on in the world.

OP posts:
Shadowdoor21 · 13/04/2020 19:56

Is there another bedroom he can sleep in? If not I'd be sending him to the couch for the foreseeable future. Try and take plenty of me-time, might help your headspace.

heeyy12345 · 13/04/2020 20:03

@shadowdoor21 I'm currently on the sofa since all this kicked off yesterday. I'm WFH but as he is a frontline worker, despite what he's done he needs sleep and clear head more than I do. I definitely need the headspace to try and find my feet.

OP posts:
Shadowdoor21 · 13/04/2020 20:07

Ugh life isnt fair is it lol. Is the kitchen accessible without going through the living room? That way you could turn it into a bedroom and declare it your space and live like flatmates just until this is all over, if youd wanted.

Newkitty · 13/04/2020 20:08

Interestingly I would be the opposite - not ok about porn, but ok for my partner to slightly fancy mutual friends. If he’s not going to act on it, then what’s the harm? You can’t police someone’s thoughts, but I would still rather someone fancied a real person than a sexualised caricature of a woman.

Having said that, downloading the photos is creepy because it objectifies the woman. Can you have an open conversation about why this crosses a line for you, and listen to what he has to say too? It sounds like the relationship is worth saving

heeyy12345 · 13/04/2020 20:24

@shadowdoor21 no it isn't unfortunately you need to go through the living area to get to the kitchen. But I have the big TV the family PC etc in my 'room'

OP posts:
heeyy12345 · 13/04/2020 20:48

@Newkitty exactly it's the photos that's the problem not picturing them in his head. Most of us have fantasised about someone we know, including myself, and I know its technically, on some level the same but I have never downloaded someones photo for safe keeping. I'm definitely not policing his thoughts. I know he watches porn and I've never made an issue out of it. We had some sort of open discussion where he said it wasn't the actual person but just the photo. My sister is a very difficult person to get on with and I'm aware he can't be in her company long because she's so crude, rude and crass (I struggle with her sometimes too) so I asked him why she was there on his gallery too and he said it was just a face and nothing emotional. It's very hard to get my head around it. She's incredibly attractive, I know that, but it's just difficult.

OP posts:
SavannahCat · 17/04/2020 16:07

Please please OP, think this relationship over very carefully. I think it's really creepy that he's downloaded these pics, he has clearly done this for the purpose of masturbation. I wouldn't be able to cope knowing that he does that. Can you? Is the porn he watches not enough for him? I hope I don't come across as being harsh as that's not my intention. I understand that you have been happy with him, but, I don't think you can trust him

Elieza · 17/04/2020 16:37

He’s gross. I’d have to kick him out the second it was safe to do so.

Or find out if any hotels are taking in nhs staff (I think that’s what you said he was?) who are isolating from family. Then he could move out just now.

Sorry OP. It’s a shitshow for sure.

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