Do I give up on my dad? His almost non existent effort after 25 years has ground me down.

[longtimecomin]

So my mum and dad split when I was 18, he was a great dad to me and I was always daddy's little girl but once he met the other women he disappeared off to his new life with barely a backwards glance. I had 2 young sisters, one 8 and one 4 and despite me having a dad throughout my childhood, dad hardly ever saw my sisters once he left. He moved 3 counties away and was always skint so only saw them about 4 times a year. He didn't phone them in between because 'they didn't have much to say' when he rang apparently. His new wife and her kids became his focus and as much as I visited them every three or so months and phoned dad regularly, it was always me making the effort with him, not the other way around and he hardly bothered with my sisters. As my sisters became adults and I had moved to a town between my sisters and dad, I would get everyone together every 3 or so months. Dads wife did come in the early years but not in the later years, I'll explain more on that later. Anyhow for few years thanks to my regular get togethers we felt like we had struck a balance. It was noted by lots of dads family that they always saw my dad running around after his new wife's kids but they never saw us, the original cousins /nieces. Anyhow about 5 years ago I had a fight with dads wife because I blamed her for always insisting they prioritise her kids over dads 3. They saw them daily for those that lived there and weekly for those that lived close by, they got the money and attention. Apparently me and my sisters were doing fine so we didn't need their support and regular contact but the wife's kids needed a lot more attention, help etc. Over the years my younger sisters got pig sick of my dad, they could see he had no backbone and didn't seem to care about them. We got the scraps of my dads attention. My youngest sister killed herself last year and I don't blame my dad as suicide is complicated but some blame him for showing barely any interest during her childhood. My second youngest sister stopped speaking to dad last year after having a child and wondering how he could show so little care and attention to her when she felt so much love for her child. She just couldn't picture how anyone could do that to their kid. This past year my dad didn't bother with either of my kids birthdays or give them anything for Christmas. He visited friends close to me just before Christmas and I found out later that day, he could have called by but he didn't. He also told that friend he has tried to contact me to say he'd be in the area but that was a lie, he hadn't, I've had the same mobile number for years. He promised he would call over on the Christmas week but didn't then didn't even respond to my happy new year text. He's tried calling me three times this week, first attempt of contact since Christmas and I'm finally thinking 'I'm done', I don't ever want to see him again. I just wish he was the dad I had between 0-18 because he was a good person. Now he's just not interested. So do I cut the ties forever or do I keep in touch because otherwise I'll regret it? I'm in my 40's he's nearly 70. Help!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister .

If you feel you're done with your dad, then no-one could blame you, you've tried for years and years. And never should have had to.

I'd follow your gut feeling.

Thanks category 12, I've held a candle for the great relationship we had all those years ago. I guess it's taken me this long to admit defeat. My hunch tells me not to bother but then I think I won't see any of my aunts and cousins etc on his side so I'm losing half of my extended family too.

Probably easier and less drama if you just ... suit yourself entirely, if you see what I mean, rather than go officially NC.
Pick up a call if you want to. Don't if you don't. Don't make any arrangements you don't want to.

One way you can look at it is - if it weren't you in this situation, but a man - do you have a male friend of your age who's married with kids and who you think is a sensible, decent person? How do you think they would act?
I think women are, pretty much all of us, expected to do more family socialization, whereas no-one will think worse of a bloke for saying, "I just send my Dad a Xmas card but he never bothered with us so I don't waste any energy on him".
Sometimes "what would bloke-me get away with?" is a very useful perspective to have !

PS see if your aunt's/cousins want to be in direct contact with you if you get on with them. They may well be aware of what he's like... (or not, of course - you'll know better than any of us random folk on the internet).

Thanks year zero, the bloke perspective is interesting, they probably would get away with doing a hell of a lot less. Yes I suppose I don't need a grand statement of that's it we're done. Just ignoring him right now suits me because I'm seriously pissed of with him. Good suggestion.

And yes I could keep in touch with other fam but dads wife is close to a lot of them now and has bad mouthed me. I know they all see my perspective though.

I'm so sorry about your lovely sister. What an awful thing to have happened.

You don't have to cut him off, and risk losing contact with other family - just go cool on him. Stop reaching out, just leave it. Carry on as normal and as a pp said, please yourself.

Be careful with any impulse you have to go NC dramatically or with an announcement... it will be a subconscious last attempt to get your dad to acknowledge you and say sorry... he won't and that will just hurt you more.

Bow out, don't participate in it all. Let him go.

My dad did the same to me. He died a few years ago. It's not easy but the relationship was a charade and I couldn't be arsed regarding it. I'm sorry that you are in this club, it's not fair x

Thanks rvbg yes it's not a good club, going cool is a good idea. I do feel like sending him a long letter telling him word for word what I really think but it would be the talk of the family and probably not shower me in glory. It's so hard to just be passive though, I have such strong feelings about how we ve been treat o er the years..

I'm so sorry for the loss of you sister. Big hugs.

I think what you last said about writing a letter is a brilliant idea. I had therapy due to a similar situation with my dad (NC for 15 years now) and she advised me to do exactly the same. It hurt. A lot. But actually, after I sent it, I felt relief - I never did get a reply, but a weight was lifted.

Go with your instinct op, sometimes we have to put ourselves first. X

OP as a fellow daughter of a shit dad, I decided to go no contact. My advice is don't waste your energy writing a letter. These men don't care. They're far too self absorbed. I found it helped me to heal to be
very blunt with myself about this and to stop feeding myself a softened version e.g. he just doesn't know how to communicate well etc. Nah, he's just a twat. Focus on your healing and grieve for the relationship you don't have with him anymore.

Fuck them all... they do not deserve your time OP...

Sincere condolences for the loss of your precious sister..

I wrote a letter to my dad - an email anyway. Told him the truth, said how much he'd hurt me, etc.

He did reply. To tell me he was sorry I felt that way. And he never contacted me again. Even on his deathbed, his girlfriend at the time (younger than me) was the one who contacted me.

For me, writing that email and getting that response absolutely broke me. I definitely wrote it telling myself it was to bring me peace etc. But I think in my heart of hearts I really wanted him to reply with an apology or some kind of acknowledgement. To get another kick in the teeth was really hard.

Long winded way of saying just be careful re a letter. With the benefit of experience I would lean towards writing the letter but not sending it x

Perhaps write it out, but don't send it - burn it or something.

I think if you want to stay in touch with the extended family, a letter like that, however justified, might be misconstrued and used against you.

I think fading him out as pps have said is probably the best way.

OP, my DH has similar with his father. My DH did a lot for his dad. When my MIL left, DH and his sister were teens, yet they picked up the pieces. When DH's step mum passed away, again DH (and me this time) cared for him a lot.

2 years after step mum died, FIL had a new girlfriend. He now focuses all his time on his girlfriend and her 2 adult daughters. Moved in with her, and would even travel over an hour to spend time with her daughter who lived away.

We got dropped and we only live 10 mins away. We now hear from him 3 times a year. Doesn't even matter that we now have a son. His priority is his girlfriend and her family.

DH has gone through all the emotions. Discussed in great detail his pain with his aunt (FIL's sister who we care for as FIL has also stopped contacting her), and in the end he just stopped bothering about his Dad to protect his mental health. He hasn't sent a letter or had an argument with his Dad as he knows it would be pointless. His Dad is too selfish to change or apologise. He responds to the odd message his Dad will send but doesn't pursue him.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. You sound very wise and measured in how you're responding. Agree with the first reply really.

Will add - it sounds like you felt responsible for, or tried to facilitate, your younger siblings relationship with DF. You made a Herculean effort and as a daughter of a father who likewise moved away and seemed not to give much of a crap - I am blown away by how determined and selfless you were in that.

However, you can let go of that feeling of responsibility now. Be proud of what you have accomplished. Look on to the next chapter.

Op I like your idea of a letter. I had a similar relationship with my dad. He died suddenly when I was 24 and I often regret not telling him how I felt. My attitude was always I'm happy with my life, he seems happy so let's leave each other to it. Now I'd give anything to tell him what I was thinking as it could have changed everything. It could also have changed nothing, but at least then I'd have no regrets.

Honestly? Your dad sounds like a weak willed, spineless, twat of a man. I personally would have cut him off years ago. I'm so sorry OP but he will never ever be the dad you want.

Thank you so much for the useful comments. You've really helped me decide the way forward. No dramatic NC letter or statement but just gently fade out for my own mental health. Write letter to get feelings out but don't send as it could be used against me. Then just play cool and low level communication now and again so as not to raise too much suspicion. But don't put the huge amount of effort in as I have previously as he's proved beyond doubt he's not worth it. Thanks guys x

Worried mum 6868 you hit the nail on the head!

Take the candle and blow it out.
Stop wasting your time and energy on this man, he does not deserve it.
Cut him off and put yourself and your own family first, he’s not going to change.

OP its funny in a way, the parallels, but it was the death of my sister, and how my parents behaved in that respect, that enlightened me to who they actually were.

I too held an unrealistic view of who my parents were. It is formed in childhood, because they are the only family you have known and you are dependent on them.

I had to accept that my parents would never be the parents i needed or deserved. They didn't acknowledge feelings, their words and actions didn't mesh.

I had always thought that I would be devastated by my parents death, but to be honest, I was numb. Seeing my sister begging for love on her deathbed was it for me. Sudden realisation that they were a different species to me.

You are complete just as you are.

Sorry didn’t read the thread, it’s a bit long. The title was enough though, yes walk away, protect yourself and don’t waste time on people who don’t deserve you.

If this were me, I would want a marker, something tangible and visible and solid to honour the loss you have had. And the pain you have been through. All caused by one person's choice to fail.

If that sounds dramatic, so be it. Could be a letter, a pic, whatever. Don't send or post it - it's yours, this guy doesn't matter enough to know about it.

But a memorial to your real dad, the one you never met, is a lot better than a relationship with whoever.

I have a self absorbed father. I had a big falling out with him a while back, he blanked me for a couple of years. That was something that hardened me in the end I think as I hadn't done much to upset him - he had been pretty out of order. He's pretty stubborn, so eventually I extended the olive branch and created peace, that made me feel better, since then it's been low contact and I suit myself.

He grumbles that I don't call him, miss his birthdays etc etc. I let this wash over me, I have taught myself not to feel bad by reminding myself of how he is. And he is still pretty grim. I have had a really serious illness in recent times, hospitalisation, operation, touch and go stuff over a good few months, he didn't visit, I wasn't surprised. I wasn't hurt either, took me a long time to get here.

I think if you can just let it slide a bit and suit yourself as you are suggesting, it can work well - it has for me. I was really worried about him badmouthing me to his family when we were estranged, I just had to let that go, people will believe what they will believe. The energy I historically gave to the relationship with him went elsewhere and as a bonus I formed stronger bonds with other people. It brought me closer to siblings in particular.

I'm sad that I don't have the kind of dad or grandad for my son that others have, but I've learnt to accept it. Good luck and look after you, in my younger days I was so hurt by my dad's lack of care, I'm pretty resilient these days, hopefully you can get there too.