Can inequality in a relationship ever get better?

[CinderellasSecrets]

I love my partner, but I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life being a slave. Admittedly I only work part time - 3 nights a week at the moment but my partner has said he isn't sure he wants to continue to look after our daughters 3 nights a week (our 10 month old is quite a fussy baby compared to her big sister) so this might go back down to 2 - and so he does bring in the main income but I do pay for gas and electric and whatever our daughters need from what I earn so I do pay something towards the household. We can't afford childcare so I cant work more hours at the moment so I'm a stay at home mum most of the time.

However I do absolutely all of the housework, keep on top of food shopping, all of the cooking, most of the childcare, he gets lie ins whereas I do not, he can have whatever he likes from the kitchen whereas I just got moaned at for wanting a second can of coke, and he can go out whenever he chooses but I very, very rarely get a night out or even a break (I've had 2 since our youngest was born) - obviously this isn't happening at the moment but when things are normal this is the situation.

I feel like I value the relationship far more than he does (hes not willing to stand up for me to his family, I just have to ignore anything that upsets me) but when my family have upset him (only happened once) I have told them that they were out of line for getting involved.

I've tried to talk to him about this before but he either refuses to see that we are not equal, or says he will change then doesn't. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like a 2nd class citizen, and I certainly don't want our daughters thinking that this is ok, but I really do love him and I do think he loves us, him and the girls definitely idolize one another and wouldn't want to be separated. Can things get better? Or is this my life now unless I leave?

I don't think that sounds good tbh. I can't see how it would change unless you got a full time job and then you're on an equal footing (not that you should have to, bringing up your children is contributing to the household!)
I think you need to think about whether you can live the rest of your life like this, because I don't think it will change now unless you leave

I think the only way you can make him realise that you are serious is by telling him that you are leaving, and actually mean it with a plan in place, unless things drastically change and he starts seeing you as a unit.

He's a misogynist knob
It's not going to change unless you change it

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

I would be making plans to leave, this is your life now and how it will be too. He sounds dreadful towards you and in turn your kids actually. He will never see you as an sort of equal here in this relationship.

So he doesn’t want to be a parent more than 2 nights a week. And he thinks this is ok?

Why do you love him and why do you think he loves you?

He doesn’t want to look after his own children, wtaf?! What would he do if you suddenly didn’t fancy parenting your children?

What on earth gives you the idea he loves you, OP? Does someone who loves someone treat them like an unpaid household skivvy? Does someone who 'idolises' his children refuse to look after them at night so their spouse can go to work or out with friends because it's too hard? Does someone who loves someone refuse to make more of an effort in their relationship? Does someone who loves someone begrudge them a can of Coke?

It’s only going to continue this way if you continue to allow it to

If you wish to continue to work three nights, do so. Make him pull his weight round the house and with child care.

If you continue to not do so and to do as he wishes, then yes you will always remain in an unequal relationship.

The definition of madness op is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result

So because he can’t be arsed with his fussy offspring somehow that makes it ok to hand said child over to you so you can just get in with it while he has an easy life?

Unbelievable.

Tell him you look after the baby four nights at present, he only has three, you’re not prepared to drop your job so the answer is no.

You both created these children.

He’s been the same id imagine since day one. You’ve spoiled him and let him off with doing his fair share of stuff in the past presumably so he’s thinking it’s fine to let you do the donkey work while he swans off as usual, as that seems to be acceptable in your relationship.

You’ve made a rod for your back. Time to break it and start having a bit of fairness back in your life.

If that can’t be done tell him you’re leaving and he’ll have to do 50% custody.

You can't really love someone that you see as a lesser person.

This is an abusive relationship. You get moaned at for a second can of coke...you don't get to go out...he doesn't have your back. You do 100% of the housework...if you left he might just open his eyes and realise what a crap partner he's been.

If he doesn't...you've not lost anything....but potentially gained some dignity.

Ok, why not try some stuff?

First thing that jumps out at me: he doesn't want... therefore this might change. Hang on: he might not want to look after his girls three times a week, but that's just him expressing a preference. It doesn't mean it automatically happens. If you're happy working three nights a week, then that's what you say in return. And stand your ground! You are both parents but you are doing most of the parenting currently, so your voice should hold more weight on this. Get used to voicing what you want.

Secondly, get used to ignoring his comments and just enjoying that second can of coke regardless.

Third possible experiment: tell him you'd like a lie-in on X day. Maybe you'll all for a weekly lie-in, maybe just a one-off to see how it goes, then gradually build up to regular ones.

Another possibility: ask him to cook one night. Give him a few days notice, maybe tell him you'd like him to cook one night this week and ask him which night he'd prefer.

If these ideas don't seem realistic or make you feel scared, ask yourself why. The alternative is something PPs have mentioned, but you might want to try evening up the imbalance a little before throwing in the towel.

Tell him to start treating you as an equal or you will be upping your hours to full time and he will have to look after the children to facilitate this, and he has to stick to it or you're gone.

What type of fucked up background do you have to come from to think another person has a right to limit the amount of food or drinks you are allowed consume? He doesn't want to look after the children in the evenings while you work? Tough,fucking luck you asshole! I'd tell him I was working overtime and to deal!

You seem miserable. Is this the life you want for your daughters when they are older? You are their role model. Their view of relationships is based on their parents’ relationship. They will grow up believing that it’s ok for a man to treat a woman like a slave and that a woman’s role is what you are doing.

Your husband seems like a misogynistic, entitled, narcissistic, condescending twat. Sorry to be so rude but he clearly has little respect for you beyond that of wife slave. What about your intelligence, your abilities and needs outside of the home? Does he respect that you are an individual? What makes him so much more deserving?

And the fact that your children idolise him says absolutely nothing. Children form attachments to the most horrendous abusive parents. It really does not say anything about his parenting or his character! They will just grow up with an idealised view of their father thinking that is how a man behaves.

He sounds like a lazy, selfish, prick who has no respect for you or the work you do. What would you like to happen?

You are with an sexist. You have TWO daughters, you are their role model. YOU are teaching them this is 'normal' do you want your daughters to end up with men like their father?

If you cannot leave for yourself. Do it for your children.

If my DH told begrudged me a second can of coke, he would find it shoved up his arse.