To ask how not to argue

[Rayshine13]

Just looking for some genuine advice . I hate arguments especially with loved ones or in fact with anyone. Would just love to know from people who are good at handling arguments or avoiding one😅.

It takes two to argue, so consider how you respond to people and think about what you want to happen.
You don't have to be a doormat, but ignoring things you don't like is often better than challenging them. Telling someone all the ways they annoy you, and why you think they are wrong rarely leads to positive results.

Also, try and phrase things positively when you do need to bring something up. You aren't bringing it up to prove they are wrong, or you know better. You are asking if something can be done differently because it would help you.

So 'Can we keep the eggs in the fridge please, because they last longer' rather than 'you keep leaving the eggs out, for goodness sake, why are you so messy?!

I am good at avoiding arguments, however I don’t recommend it as it leads to internalised anger which can be very damaging.

I’d say:
-don’t swear at, name-call or insult the other person. I always end up shouting but I try not to;
-try to avoid the words ‘always’ and ‘never’ unless strictly true;
-don’t throw or bang things;
-don’t dredge up irrelevant incidents from the past;
-try only to say what you mean;
-try (if you can) to listen to what the other person says and if you agree say so, or say ‘there is some truth in that’ or similar; equally if you disagree try to say so clearly and as calmly as possible.
-if someone runs roughshod over your boundaries try to be clear and firm about consequences. Don’t go back on what you have decided because you’re afraid of upsetting them or just want a quiet life.
-if the other person says or does something unacceptable tell them so, then or later.
-I am talking about reasonably functional relationships with people you care about here. If you don’t care about the person, walking away is probably best. Nobody should have to tolerate verbal abuse, threats or similar.

I’m still learning and in fact I only ever really argue with DM and DH. DH and I have both modified our arguing style and as a result many rows are nipped in the bud these days. DM can be volatile but since I have become more clear in my mind about what I will and won’t tolerate, I’m less afraid of her.

I think you’ll get different responses according to personality types.

Anyone can invite you to an argument; you don't have to turn up.

I rarely argue with anyone. My tips are - nip things in the bud early as often a frank discussion sooner can avoid a bigger issue later. If you're in a bad mood then really consider whether whatever has annoyed you is that bad - if it's not or you aren't sure then sleep on it. If someone is spoiling for a fight/argument, then leave. If someone is constantly looking for a row, consider whether you need them in your life (obviously your stroppy teen children you do, a confrontational friend or partner less so). Have some empathy - if you know someone has been at work for 12 hours, is it worth kicking off over a menial task they've forgotten, for example. Pick your time and place wisely. Try to stick to people who are like minded- my DH never shouts/strops/sulks and neither do I. It makes life a lot more pleasant if you're on an even keel!

It really depends on what your style of interaction is with people.

Some people start arguments because they don't know how to just ask for what they need calmly. They only know how to get what they need, by shaming or blaming the other person. This type of person usually ends the argument feeling furious and like they want to hit people, walk out, etc.

Other people end up in arguments because they don't have the courage to upset people, they do things behind others' backs, they play all sides trying to keep everyone happy, and then it ends up becoming explosive in the end. This type of person typically ends up in tears trying to explain how the argument isn't their fault (although obviously they usually have a big part to play).

Some people have no arguing skills, or become frozen in fear of the argument, so they just refuse to talk, but not in a calm way, they stonewall in a furious silence. This can cause other people to either walk away in anger themselves, or they escalate the argument trying to get a response.

All these approaches can eventually devolve into violence, either verbal or physical, but the first type is probably the most explosive.

And there are, of course, a million other argument "types" depending on the personalities involved.

Can you give an example of a time that you were involved in an argument? What happened that led to the argument, what set the argument off, and what was said?

What @NiteFlights said.

If you're constantly avoiding arguments, nothing is going to get resolved and frustrations will arise. It's all about the balance of communication. Never ignore someone if they're upset; they're upset for a reason. If the argument becomes too heated, walk away and revisit when things have calmed down.

Pause to think before you reply; don’t respond to anything designed to distract you from your point; don’t cry; don’t raise your voice; don’t get nasty and personal; walk away for now if it’s getting out of control but follow up later.

Thanks everyone. Will try and incorporate some. Sometimes when DH and I argue, we tend to raise our voices . We do cool down pretty quickly but for the sake of DC , I don’t want to set any bad examples or habits that she could pick up. Hence was looking for advice .

Arguing is a good thing. It means you are listening to each other and care about what the kther person says. It also means you are far more likely to be resolving problems (and showing your dd how to do that) than people who avoid arguments. Shouting at each other is probably not the best thing to do, but if she sees the resolution and love after you have worked it out that’s a good thing.