5yrs a waste of time?

[jojo38]

Hi - Im new to these boards and just finding my way round. Got an hour or so to myself, so I am indulging, if you like...

I read an earlier post about hating husband yet why do I love him.. I have to say that I feel the same many a time.
It is both our second marriage and I feel that as we both have had such a sh*y time before, we cannot get close or trust each other.
I feel that DH doesn't trust me at all anyway and I cannot love him as much as I want because I have already given my heart and soul. We both got hurt and betrayed in more ways that one.

We met 5yrs ago (over the net - through a well respected agency). I have two boys, he has one of each. I lived over 100 miles away from him and have given up friends, a house, family and have risked everything, including the happiness and welfare of my own children to be with him yet I feel like I am a stranger, a burden, just someone to share the house, do the chores, and he doesn't do his share at all with the house or the children. oh, and his opinion is always right, and mine is always too stupid to count for anything or completely wrong and he assumes I am attacking him.
He is very insular and self centred - which I believe is different to being selfish. He can only talk about himself - his work - his problems - his pain etc... his world.
He cannot accept emotions, does not converse with me or anyone come to that, if it isn't about his favourite subjects of himself or history of the world wars!! arrrrhhhgggghhh!!! Boring old f**t springs to mind.

If anyone else happens to be visiting and he walks in (Ie my mother), I have to nudge him to say hello!
He drinks too much, smokes too much and eats at a very late time so that he cooks and eats on his own. He is a lazy untidy g*t.

His own children have the social graces of a sloth too!!

I find my DH an embarrassment - yet I love him - why!!???
I cannot change him - he is 10 yrs older than me as it is and he is far too stubborn. We do nothing together. I have recently changed the living room round and mentioned that we don't even sit together anymore. He tries for a little while then it reverts back to "normal".

I feel like I have wasted 5 yrs trying to keep myself sane. I often feel that I would have been better on my own, with my boys. I honestly may have well the way things are right now.

Yes, I love him. Would I do it again, given the choice - No.

Oh, Jojo, I'm sorry you feel this way. I saw a programme on tv ages ago, where the husband acted in the same manner as your dh. It turned out he had something like Asperger Syndrome (may even have been Asperger itself, can't remember details) One of his characteristics was an all consuming interest in one subject, and a lack of social ease - he had to be reminded to say hello to his wife when he came in from work! I really, really don't want to tread on the toes of all the mums here who have children with autistic spectrum syndromes, but do you think that may be part of the issue? And was there a thread on here recently about such diagnoses being made in adults, not just children?
I don't doubt you love him, and can appreciate how hard it was to get remarried. I'm divorced myself and not in a relationship at the moment for various reasons, amongst them not wanting to commit/get hurt again etc.
Is counselling an option?
Hugs, Duster.

Jojo, sorry about this. Think Aspergers suggestion may be a bit extreme, but there are a lot of people out there who do display downscale elements of those behaviour patterns and maybe your DH is one of them/

Did you not know he was like this when you married him? What were the circs of your getting married, if you don't mind me asking? Did you ever live together beforehand? Sounds like you gave up a lot, so I assume you must have had a taster period of time before actually marrying?

My own DH is 12 yrs older than me and sometimes I really feel the age difference too. He has such weird "interests", like watching Discovery Wings channel obsessively, even though he's phobic about flying. And he is so inert, and "exhausted", although he;s only in his 40s, FFS. However, he has many redeeming features, and in our case I'd say it;s only since having kids together I've noticed how idle he can be.

What is it you love about your DH? If he is so shut down as a person, what did you connect with in the first place? And vice versa? Do you ever talk about your feelings? You will have to find some common ground if you're going to move forward together.

hi lulu and Duster, thanks so much for your replies.
It is very difficult to explain how I feel to him as it seems it goes in one ear, out the other.
He has an autistic brother and I wonder if this sort of gene is hereditory in other factors such as aspergers or dispraxia. (I have a dispraxic son)
We lived together for 8 mnths before we married. I almost called it off a few times. Don't ask me why I went thro in the end... I really don't know.
When I first met him, I knew his financial state, his divorce problems, his childrens problems etc... all about his family and about him, well, it did emerge over the time but I put it down to getting over his previous marriage (for both of us) and for us to start anew, learning to trust and building the relationship from there. I have heard that it can take at least 5 years to get over something so torrid as divorce or split. I know it took me a while to get over mine.
He has been to counselling on his own, to try and get rid of some demons and try to sort his own feelings out. We talked about it for a long time and he suggested he would like to do that - which I have to admit was something of a surprise to me. I am glad he did because he was/is such a different person. He stopped going a few months back and seems to be reverting tho.
I feel unappreciated, lost, lonely and well, to be honest, not married... I feel like a lone-parent at times.

If there is a problem that is tangible, he will grab it with both hands and teeth (he has a few more than two) and won't let go until the problem is sorted. In the meantime, he will go down to the depths of despair, morose, ratty and argumentative. When the problem is solved (by him) then he is jubilant and happy. I can't keep up with the rollercoaster rides.

He has his own children from the previous marriage. His DD is now 18 and does as she pleases -as she has done since the age of 13 but now we don't see her. We get phone calls asking for money and that's about it. We have had a terrible time with her in the past but all is in the past. His son visits EOW/end. Now, you may think this is "normal" but I don't: He pretends to be the happy-go-lucky person, the hero, the joker when his son is here. Good ol daddy. Makes me out to be somekind of monster for asking for table manners (mind you, his sons manners and social graces are almost at zero). As soon as he goes home, DH reverts back to his usual self centred mode of misery and gloom. We argue for the best part of the week, he is hard on my boys - too much sometimes, when I need him to be a "cushion" for them.. Im the one who should tell them off... he should be there for them to moan at about me etc... (thats what I hoped for anyway)

DH is the kind of bloke to give it his all to others around him, his mates etc... but he is so different with me and my family. I know we are different people in his life but I just do not understand how to handle any situation. Am I expecting too much?

IME, exp says he will do anything and everything he can for dd and when she is older and he starts to have her around his house, all my hard work of raising her right will go out the window as he will let her get away with murder and spoil her rotten. Your dh wants to be on his dd and ds's good side and will let them do what they want and give them what they want by the sounds of it. My dad was the same, as my parents were seperated and he hardly saw us so when he did, he would spoil us. Maybe him hardly seeing his children is getting to him and so he is sinking back to how he was after the divorce (sorry if Im way off but just my opinion from what I know)

On your part, have you tried spending time just the two of you, like going out for a meal and talking about yourselves rather than worries in your lives etc and try and respark the relationship sortof speak. Sorry if Im not much help and just saying things you already know.

Hi tammybear. You are a great help and thanks.
I have tried all sorts to arrange times for all of us to be together, just us and his kids, us and my two, just him and his kids, etc... and of course just us on our own. We haven't much in common even if we were on our own and I hve to admit that I do like a bit of space from the kids.. all of them.
SD is a pain but it isn't my business - he asks my opinion, I let him know, that is all I can do. We only tend to talk about "us" when we have had an argument... which is on average about once a week. Some weeks are argue free but rare.
I will try to add some more sparkle but I do feel that it is not acknowledgedin most cases. Thanks again.
Hugs

have you tried talking to dh about how you feel? and i dont mean you have to tell him every little thing, but just things like maybe his attitude towards you.

i dont know if you go out much already but going out with friends with dh can help, just to let your hair down and have a break from your kids. and if you and dh dont have much in common, you could try finding something together that you will enjoy doing together and spending time with each other. just a thought. hugs xxx

I don't think you're expecitng too much at all, Jojo. I do understand what you're saying about your DH being a totally different person when it's just the two of you to when there are other people there. I would find that very hard as well - difficult for anyone else who knows you both to really understand.

The issues you raise are extremely important in a relationship and you really need to sort them out. I think it's quite a male thing to need "specifics" when problem solving. I know with my DH I often have just this general sense of dissatisfaction which I can't really articulate and so he can't fix it. If I try and explain, he's sitting there going OK, try this, try that, when actually all I want is a sympathetic ear.

Perhaps you could write down the things which are troubling you about the way things are? This moght help clarify things so you can have a proper conversation.

Hi lulupop
Thanks to all for replies. I have talked until the cows come home, I have written to him, I have even kept a journal, which I showed him one time. It makes no significant or lasting difference. I have since added another thread re the mention of AS: DH and AS can't cope. Im sure you have seen it. It's also ongoing on SN. I am so grateful for all of your support. I hope that I have added some to others too.
I feel like I have been here for ever... like "comin home".
Cheers.