Zero sex drive

[jaggynettle]

I've been with my partner for 20 years. We mostly get on fine but one thing keeps causing us grief. I have zero sex drive. Barely any stirrings at all.

He's taken himself off to the spare room to sleep and has told me he doesn't want to sleep near me. He's basically taken himself off in there to wank!

He goes in the huff and doesn't speak to me for days on end and acts like a child.

He doesn't ask for sex or make any moves - just comes out with something like "give us a blowy" then sulks when I don't immediately drop to my knees.

If we do have sex he's quite affectionate afterwards and things are generally good. We both work full time and have a DD8. Both still working as we are both key workers.

I'm not massively confident in my body or bedroom ability but it makes me sad that he only shows me any affection after sex whereas I feel like I need affection before to make me feel valued.

I don't know where I'm going with this really - I don't know if there's any medical reason why I have no sex drive and don't want to be bothering the GP with it as it sounds pretty pathetic even to me. Just needed to let it out.

Could be birth control, that can kill sex drive especially any mirena products, menopause will kill it stone dead.
I'm asexual, I could usually manage it when I was ovulating but the rest of the time no, after the menopause double no.
If anyone asked for a "blowy" - seriously - that would earn a total look of contempt from me.
Maybe you just don't fancy him any more.
I'm divorced and it's such a relief not having to deal with all that shit any more.
I make it quite clear to potential dates there will never be any sex. I'm hoping to find a partner who is totally impotent, that would be my ideal.

Are you taking contraception? That's a big killer imo.

But him not being very affectionate unless he's had sex sounds rubbish. Obviously you need that emotional connection to have sex whereas he doesn't?

Sounds like you're both a bit fed up. Have you had a proper chat about how both of you feel? It can be a difficult conversation but it needs to be had.

And "give us a blowy" would really turn me off!

Thanks for the replies. Am not currently using contraception since my implant was removed last year. Doesn't seem like there's any point as we are not having sex very often - only once every couple of months (even if that!) and am careful to track my periods. Am 39, so not menopausal as yet.

I can't really ever recall being overly sexual - maybe in the first few years of the relationship but I was only in my early twenties then.

I am still attracted to him, and I love him. We have good fun together and can chat and laugh for hours. But the thought of having sex just doesn't light me up. If anything I feel like I have to do it to keep the peace. I usually can't wait for it to be over. I feel he has run out of patience with me. Maybe things have just run their course and we are not compatible?

What I find really difficult is the stone walling. He knows it hits a nerve when he takes himself off to the spare room. He knows I find it hurtful when he ignores me - and I mean her literally does not say a word for days! I can get that he must be feeling frustrated but he doesn't do himself any favours by throwing his toys out of the pram.

I have tried to make an effort but it just feels so fake and forced. I wish there was a magic pill I could just take!