Parents claimed they knew nothing of sibling abuse

[singinginthedrain]

Long story short, my older sibling abused me very severely when I was growing up.

I never had a close or loving relationship with my parents, they lack empathy and are emotionally distant.

I had a lot of counselling re: the abuse and the resentment I felt about not being protected (parents used to leave us children alone together from when I was quite young and go to the pub and that is when a lot of the abuse happened).

I finally spoke to my parents about the abuse/neglect and they claimed not to have a clue about any of it and were very dismissive, claiming none of it ever happened and I was unwell and imagining it (even though I had a close childhood friend who also experiened abuse by my sibling).

One incident I remember from very early on is being stabbed in the face at the dinner table by sibling - again parents claimed to have no knowledge of this incident or of any abuse.

Anyway, having a clear out in lockdown and found an album of photos my mother made for me when I had my first child. There is a photo of me and sibling eating dinner and my mother has captioned it "watch out for that knife!"

I know it feels like a small thing, but actually it's really knocked me for six.

a) that she very well knew my sibling had indeed stabbed me at the dinner table; and
b) that she thinks it is in some way funny that this happened to me and finds it an appropriate way to commemorate me starting a family of my own.

I don't know what I want from this post, really. I feel that I spent the formative years of my life being abused and the rest of my life being gaslighted that it never happened.

Send your mother a pic of the phot.

Caption it underneath 'watch out for those crappy so-called parents who rewrite history, because they can't deal with the fact that they didn't protect you when you needed it.'

And then add
'Don't contact me or my family again. You weren't the parent I needed as a child, you don't get to play so-called grandparents now'

Sorry to hear this, your parents are abusing you by gaslighting. Incredibly hurtful to deny & ignore.
Keep away from the lot of them

That’s awful OP. I’m really sorry that your parents didn’t keep you safe when you needed them.

Finding the photo sounds like a breakthrough for you. You have a bit of clarity now. Maybe once all this is over you could look into therapy.

I know that it feels as you need them
to accept their role in this abuse by acknowledging the damage they have done by minimising the situation, probably as a way to validate your feelings or perhaps find a bit of that long looked for approval.

IME, you are asking the imposible, instead of seeking help or validation from neglectful parents who re write the history, what you need is to shut them out of your life to stop them hurting you.

Not the best solution but I can assure you it is better and less painful than keeping hitting your head against a wall of bricks.

Oh, thank you for kind responses.

I've been nc with them all for 8 years, I should probably have explained that. It was just the shock of finding the album and that she'd written that in there. As if making fun of my abuse was a nice thing to do for someone who has just had a baby. It took me back there.

Sending you big hugs. What a shock. So glad you are in a safe place now. I think it’s healthy to notice the feelings these jolts give you & then you’ll notice that your thoughts will naturally move on. You’ll be that little bit stronger for knowing you can deal with these feelings and have successfully got yourself in a healthy place now. Take care xx

I’m so sorry you experienced this and your parents have gaslighted you. It must be incredibly painful. I second not looking for any resolution with them. I was neglected as a child and like you have had a lot of counselling. It’s only now really (in my 40s!) that I’ve got to a place where it doesn’t sting so much and I don’t dwell on the past so much. Sending you

You won’t get answers from them, they’ve rewritten history. My parents have too

My brother was an awful bully when I was growing up, and used to hit me etc a lot, though nothing compared to your experiences. I get on with my brother pretty well now actually. My mum is generally amazing, we have a great relationship, but she cannot accept or acknowledge how awful his behaviour was (and will try to make jokes of it). She just cannot do it. It frustrates me but I have had to accept it. I assume they just don’t want to see their role in what was an awful experience. I know my experience was not comparable you yours, but I think it comes from the same place of not wanting to acknowledge their responsibility. I’m sorry for what you have been through.

What a horrible thing to find.

I guess at least it gives you clarity on just how bad they were. They didn't just neglect you, they definitely knew you were being abused and did nothing to stop it. And they lied about it to gaslight you. You don't have to wonder whether they "didn't know" or not.

And putting something like that into your photo album... it sounds like a deliberate attempt to hurt you, to be honest.

I'm so sorry you had such shitty parents. Thank goodness your life is free of them now

I would be very tempted to take some photos I like out of that album and bin the rest. Don’t keep anything with memories that hurt you.

Looking at it from their PoV, though, I can see that perhaps they wouldn't have known anything of your abuse if - as you state - they were not there.

Also, whilst the dinner table incident sounds unpleasant I can, in an odd kind of way, see how this might get turned into a family joke and so they may well genuinely that you are overreacting or unwell as you've stated.