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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He swore at me

25 replies

ohnoitsnot · 13/04/2020 10:07

I don't know if I am overreacting or not . All the quarantine over-thinking time doesn't help .

Bf of 6 months . It's all up until now been pretty perfect . Found someone I could imagine a future with and I know he feels the same . He is loving , thoughtful , pretty much everything I want in a partner . We are apart during lockdown but in touch all the time mostly on FaceTime. We've never argued but we have different opinions on somethings so often have debates which I'll admit often get me riled up but have always listened to each other's opinions. During one of these debates the other evening ( about Boris Johnson of all things) I asked him to please change the subject as we were never going to agree . He had been drinking ( we both had) and was quite ranty . He carried on so I said i was goin g to say goodnight . He then told me to fuck off and then hung up . He's never been anything it totally respectful up until now , but I can't get over he swearing at me like that . He has been very apologetic since . In normal life I think this would be a deal breaker for me , but I am trying to put it in the context of these highly emotional times and the fact he is alone for lockdown . I don't know if I'm being a mug or over reacting. Is it ever ok to swear at someone you love ?

OP posts:

category12 · 13/04/2020 10:16

If it would be a dealbreaker for you normally, it still is a dealbreaker, surely?

What you've discovered is that when he's drunk and you argue, he'll swear at you. The stress of lockdown is no different than any other life stress that could come up in future. Life will always have its bad times, like work stress, or bereavement, etc.

RLEOM · 15/04/2020 16:12

My ex did that - you wouldn't have thought he was like that. Turns out it was the tip of the iceberg.

Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 15/04/2020 16:25

It's wild to me that this is a deal-breaker.

However, if that is where your line is normally, you shouldn't move the goal posts in his favour now.

Miraclescometrue · 15/04/2020 16:26

No I wouldn’t want to see him after that.

soannya · 15/04/2020 16:27

Dealbreaker.

copycopypaste · 15/04/2020 16:39

I've been with my dh for years and he's never once sworn at me and we have some humdingers of discussions about things

PickAChew · 15/04/2020 16:44

You have to wonder how he would have behaved had there not been that physical distance between the two of you. Keep your standards high. He's allowed you to see how unpleasant he can be when he's drunk and it's not nice. It's not the drunk him, either, it's the real him without the usual filters.

AvoidingRealHumans · 15/04/2020 16:51

For me it's not that he told you to F off that's the biggest issue here, its how he is unable to debate and agree to disagree and leave it there. He had to be rude, childish and have the last word by swearing and hanging up.
He is apologetic because he knows he was a twat.
It's up to you whether you decide to let this go or not but it probably won't be the last time something like this happens. It could stay on this level or get worse if you were together in person when a disagreement happens.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 15/04/2020 17:25

It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me.

GilbertMarkham · 15/04/2020 17:31

Six months is not actually a long time. Takes quite a while to get to know someone.

He sounds like unpleasant (aggressive), petulant etc. when drunk.

Have you seen him.drunk many times?

copperoliver · 15/04/2020 17:42

Some people become different, not nice when they've drink, keep an eye on it. X

Original poster

ohnoitsnot · 15/04/2020 17:44

Thank you everyone for your replies . We are still in touch and I am trying to move past it, although I have to admit my guard is up more now . I have previously spent time with him drunk before on nights out and he has been nothing but lovely . This was certainly a side to him I had never seen before . I'm not going to make excuses for him , but I do feel that the lockdown situation we are all in is very stressful and I feel it was a big contributing factor . I also don't think now is the time to make big decisions about the future , I still hope we have one together but I certainly won't be as forgiving if there's a next time .

OP posts:

katiie3 · 15/04/2020 18:16

I don’t like swearing in any relationship. Romantic or non romantic.

It is not attractive and shows more about them than you.

billy1966 · 15/04/2020 19:37

Why would you want to be "ranty" in a relationship with someone OP?

He escalated it to swearing at you.

Not nice.

He can't handle alcohol.

Be careful.
The next time you get "ranty"...you could end up with a slap.

Removemyshed · 15/04/2020 19:41

Oh god it’s a word. I can’t get worked up about it. I swear a lot though.

Removemyshed · 15/04/2020 19:41

Be careful. The next time you get "ranty"...you could end up with a slap*

That’s a bloody jump

IWantT0BreakFree · 15/04/2020 19:45

Yeah this would be a dealbreaker for me too, lockdown or no lockdown. I just think that swearing at someone like that demonstrates a complete lack of respect. Maybe dial back the constant contact and see how you feel with a bit of headspace.

Original poster

ohnoitsnot · 15/04/2020 19:58

I'm a big swearer . Swearing doesn't offend me at all , but I agree being sworn at is not on

OP posts:

lastburritos · 15/04/2020 22:07

It is just a word but it's also a little red flag. He could be stressed from this whole CV situation. Or he might have just let his mask down. Either way, mark it and watch carefully.....at the next red flag just turn and walk away.

Dery · 18/04/2020 19:13

It’s not very impressive but if things have been good otherwise I would hesitate to finish it right away over this, but as you say - be on your guard. Actually in the first year or so of getting together with my DH, we made a conscious decision to significantly reduce our alcohol consumption because we found lovely evenings out would often end in a silly quarrel and that stopped once we cut back.

NoMoreDickheads · 18/04/2020 19:20

I would keep an eye on how he carries on over lockdown. Even if he swears at you again and it's during lockdown, it's still not a good sign as it shows stress/boredom turns him nasty.

KathyBriggs360 · 18/04/2020 19:43

This guy sounds really abusive, you need to stop seeing him before you get in too deep and he starts to hurt you in other ways.

BeetrootRocks · 18/04/2020 19:48

I don't think it would be a deal breaker for me, I'd put it down to being drunk and stressed and etc

What I WOULD be interested in is, did he apologise? Who got in touch with who first after? Did he say, I was out of order I was (drunk/ emotional/ stressed etc) and I'm really sorry?

Or not?

If the former I'd give another chance.
If the latter then I wouldn't. People who can't admit when they're wrong/ say sorry do not make good partners.

izzokaiizzokai · 19/04/2020 00:15

you’re a big woman. get tf over it. he swore at you over the phone not beat you to death. grow up and stop being childish

Onalake · 19/04/2020 00:57

KathyBriggs360

"This guy sounds really abusive, you need to stop seeing him before you get in too deep and he starts to hurt you in other ways."

He swore at her once, while drunk, during a heated debate, during lockdown. Hardly "really abusive".

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