Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being too needy?

22 replies

mumme111 · 13/04/2020 09:54

Hi I started dating a really lovely guy a week before Valentine's we are taking it slow and we were seeing each other once a week due to childcare and distance but we get on so well and he's so so lovely he's honest clever gorgeous funny and cute BUT he never communicates it's making me feel so sad! Literallly he will be isolated at home bored and on his own (no kids) but I will still only get about 3 messages during the day Confused we chat about twice a week on the phone no phone sex he's too reserved and shy for that I think lol but I really don't understand why he doesn't want to message me? He also never asks about my past life or get to know me on a deeper level even tho I'm finding out lots about him lol is he not interested? 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2020 09:55

He’s not interested.

Original poster
mumme111 · 13/04/2020 10:14

I keep thinking he's not and I have spoken to him twice about it and said we can just call it quits and stay friends but he says he's crazy about me and then he said other girls have dumped him before for the same reason 🤦🏼‍♀️ he talks about our future together a lot but the messaging is almost non existent x

OP posts:
tenlittlecygnets · 13/04/2020 10:19

Well, maybe he doesn't see the point of constant messaging? And he'd rather talk on the phone?

But if he never asks anything about out or shows an interest, what's the point? Especially as he's been told in the past this is a problem!

This is your honeymoon period, op, where you can't get enough of each other and everything is perfect. If he can't be arsed to make an effort now, your relationship is dead in the water.

Shinjirarenai · 13/04/2020 10:20

Isn't three messages a day quite a lot? Some people are driven insane with continually looking at a phone all the time.

TudorRoses · 13/04/2020 10:21

Some people just don't spend much time messaging. It's quite normal. He's just probably one of those. Try not to let it bother you so much.

category12 · 13/04/2020 10:22

Well, it is what it is.

You've spoken to him about it. He doesn't change behaviour.
Previous relationships have ended because of it. That hasn't changed his behaviour.

So either you accept this is how it is with him, or you end it.

MsChatterbox · 13/04/2020 10:23

If he likes you you will know, if he doesn't you will be confused.

Original poster
mumme111 · 13/04/2020 10:24

Thanks guys I don't want to end it just over lack of messages but I hoped he would try harder lol think I'll try and chill for a bit see what happens after lockdown is lifted x

OP posts:
maddy68 · 13/04/2020 10:26

Nope he's definitely not interested. Move on.

CodenameVillanelle · 13/04/2020 10:28

You were only dating a month before lockdown. You don't really know each other and some people aren't good at getting to know people over text. Wait until lockdown is over and see how you feel when you meet.

Summersunandoranges · 13/04/2020 10:30

He has told you previous relationships have ended over it before. This is his pace. It won’t change.

It’s up to you if you want to continue at this level/pace.

This guy won’t change. You’ve not already ‘changed’ him. It’s who is is. Like it and lump it or move on

Neveranynamesleft · 13/04/2020 10:31

Personally, I think 3 messages a day is a lot, I wouldnt worry about that, the time to worry is when you dont get any ! You seem to be over analysing it all , relax and take each day as it comes or you are likely to push him away.

TooOldForThis67 · 13/04/2020 10:31

3 messages a day and twice weekly phone calls seems a decent enough level of communication while in lockdown when you were only seeing each other once a week anyway. However, you've told him how you feel and he's admitted he's had the same issue before, so why isn't he listening to you. The lack of interest in you is strange and for this reason alone I'd give up on him. Actions speak louder than words.

Matildathehun77 · 13/04/2020 10:36

I'd back right off, stop the messages, get on with your life and contact other people. He knows where you are if he wants to step up a bit but honestly, if he isn't making any effort this early on and that's making you feel insecure and confused, then I'd keep on looking. He's not "the one".

Original poster
mumme111 · 13/04/2020 10:46

Thanks everyone I'm such a twat lol 🤦🏼‍♀️ x

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 13/04/2020 10:57

I would be more worried about the fact that he doesn't seem interested in knowing more about you. The messaging and not talking much on the phone is just how some people are.

Before lockdown was he better at trying to get to know you? Is he quite happy talking about himself?? Very common sadly! It's hard isn't it, becuase if you say, hey don't you want to know about me, then you know it isn't genuine. But then, it's a headfuck when they aren't interested.

anotherdisaster · 13/04/2020 10:59

I also agree its worth taking a step back for a while. Start focussing on other things and see if that makes a difference. During lockdown I think we all have more time on our hands to overthink things which you may be doing. However, if you have specifically told him and he's ignored you then I suspect he's just not putting in the effort. Pull back from him and see how he reacts. If he doesn't then I would end things.

BertiesLanding · 13/04/2020 11:00

It sounds as simple as you both have a mismatch in communication styles. If you can't handle it and need more, he's not the one to give it to you - nor should you expect it if this is the way he is.

Miraclescometrue · 13/04/2020 11:02

It’s not the number of messages that’s the problem, more that he is not interested in you as a person.

fuckinghellthisshit · 13/04/2020 11:18

I think 3 messages a day is a lot and would feel totally harassed if anyone expected me to be phoning and messaging every hour. Isn't he just reading or involved in something else?

BackseatCookers · 13/04/2020 18:44

Thanks guys I don't want to end it just over lack of messages but I hoped he would try harder lol think I'll try and chill for a bit see what happens after lockdown is lifted x

You wouldn't be ending it over lack of messages, you'd be ending it because your communication styles and emotional needs are different. Which is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship.

You shouldn't be expecting him to 'try harder' if that means not being himself. Just like it wouldn't be fair of him to say you should 'try harder' to want to speak less often.

Honestly you just aren't compatible, why spend loads of headspace on this when it's getting you down?! You just aren't compatible.

Lockdown isn't going to be lifted for a while yet, why draw it out?

Littlemix1 · 18/04/2020 11:00

If his messages are the same (quantity) since beginning of dating I wouldn't worry so much. But not wanting to get to know you on a deeper level or ask or take an interest in how you are etc then yeah I'd be annoyed. Some guys (and I'm sure women too) just don't message much. But it's good that he talks on the phone. Maybe suggest increasing the calls as he may prefer talking instead of texting

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread