Am I expecting too much here or is this emotional unavailability?

[Louise000000]

Seeing a guy for 5 months now. Everything on paper looks good: we fancy each other, great sex, get on well, good banter, feel comfortable around one another.
But something on a deeper level seems to be lacking for me. One thing is he doesn't like talking on the phone, only texting. Fine for the every day chit chat, but ive been worried sick about my mum (who has covid) as she's been very ill and i just think a call would have been nice to check in on me.
Ive said this to him and his response is that he doesn't really like talking to any of his friends or family on the phone.
Prior to the coronovirus thing i was also going through a hard time and he was never an emotional support to me. At the time i did mention this to which hes said he would listen if i wanted to talk about it but he didnt want to pry with questions.
Are we just totally different here, or does he sound emotionally unavailable? or am i expecting too much here? Does it sound like we have a good base to go on?

Is 5 months too early to be thinking like this and should I still just be enjoying what we have and seeing where it goes?
I'm a novice when it comes to relationships tbh!!

I think he sounds emotionally illiterate.

I’m sorry about your mum and hope she gets better quickly.

Coronavirus aside, if that’s possible, 5 months in should be full on honeymoon getting to know each other hearts and flowers loved up bliss. You don’t feel supported and he may feel overwhelmed at your expectations of support so soon into the two of you dating. Do you have friends you could lean on as well? If you don’t think it’s giving you what you need then end it and meet do someone who’s a better fit.

Thank you, I've got plenty support from friends and family. I think he is definitely feeling like I'm expecting too much from him and I'm reluctant to throw in the towel if it's something that would come in time, also aware that life is short and I could tick ovverr for another half year with him with not much difference!

Well, there's a mismatch, but it's difficult to say.

If you call him, will he answer? If he's not a phoner, it's not going to occur to him to call you.

Perhaps he doesn't see things as serious between you at this stage, if he thinks asking questions is prying?

Definitely a mis match, he said if I ever called him he would speak to me. Whereas I'm over here thinking could he not come to the conclusion himself that I would be sitting myself worrying etc he could ask if I needed a call to talk it through

Are you sure you are not the other woman?

Def not the other woman. He is quite inexperienced with relationships though which I think shows alot

Well, you need to ask for what you need, I don't think you can expect him to mindread.

I think you're probably on different pages - you're expecting more from him than he's giving, emotionally. Whether that's because he's not able to give that as part of his personality, or whether it's early days and he doesn't see it as his role yet, I don't know.

If you're not getting what you need, perhaps he's not the right person.

Does he text or message to check in? Some people hate talking on the phone so I don’t think that’s the thing to focus on, rather look at your general pattern of mutual communication and see if you think it’s healthy, positive and giving you what you need.

You mention going through some difficult things before your mum got ill. Honestly, you haven’t been together long and he may feel it’s too much to deal with in such a new relationship. If you can see he’s finding your expectations of support a bit heavy then continue to lean on your friends and family and try to focus on getting to know him, what’s going on in his life, enjoy the newness and fun (easier before lockdown!) and don’t put too many eggs in the relationship basket.

Only you know how you feel but dating is meant to be fun and a new boyfriend isn’t meant to replace your normal support network.

Good advice there @annelovesgilbert
Thank you. He does check in, he texts daily, it's really just the phone thing.
Thats right I'm expecting him to be an emotional support when we are still getting to know each other I think.
We do have alot of positives to go on here.

I don't think you're expecting "too much" per se - just that you have differing expectations on the amount of contact and emotional support that you seek in a partner.

I am like your BF - I hate phone calls and would rather send a quick text saying "how's it going, is your mum okay" rather than calling unannounced to ask. I would actually find it really intrusive for someone to call me without asking first, unless it was an emergency.

I don't think your BF is likely to change. So if this is an important factor for you, I think it's best to part ways and seek someone with expectations more closely aligned with your own.

I think the relationship is still quite young and maybe you're expecting a full on commitment too early? You are both still getting to know each other. Maybe he is taking longer to find out whether he wants total commitment to you? Maybe he is more reserved emotionally? Maybe he is an emotionally distant person? It's too early to know.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable tbh...

I hate talking on the phone and never really phone people unless it’s urgent or if I need to explain something.
My mum was recently in hospital incredibly unwell and passed away last week, throughout this time I kept in contact with my OH through text, but rarely had a phonecall. I was just exhausted, completely devastated and just wanted to be at the hospital. Maybe he is just giving you time to process everything without the pressure of phone calls etc?
I wouldn’t write him off this early...

@glitterb I'm so sorry about your mum. What a bloody awful time this is too.
Thabks for the good advice here, I do think there's good stuff to go on

What about Skype or FaceTime as an alternative to a phone call? Can he do that?

When I say call I mean including vid call etc too

I think it's both. It is too early for him to be your main emotional support. You are still getting to know one another and this ought to be a period of having fun, sharing mutual interests and exploring each others' separate interests and maybe finding something new that you might never have thought of, talking about the world and its mother, finding out about mutual plans and ambitions, et cetera.

However, your gut is picking up some important indicators of his possible emotional unavailability. Moreover, merely telling you that he doesn't like talking on the phone when you were worried about your mum is not just inconsiderate, it points to an avoidant and selfish personality. The very least he should have done is write you a nice email, wishing he found it easier to talk on the phone and offering some reassurance.

I'm not saying bin him, but I would call him and gently convey to him that his response to your concern was inconsiderate. See - and hear, really hear - what he says. Don't present him with a list of your needs and his inadequacies; your aim is to set a boundary rather than make a demand. However, do stay watchful. And listen to your gut. Our gut is a very useful antenna which is often overlooked or shut down.

@Louise000000
I hope your Mum makes a good recovery, I agree it’s a rubbish time!