Advise with controlling XH now I’ve had to stop contact

[ACNH]

Ex was not adhering to the stay at home rules and taking our DS to visit others when she was with him so I have made the very difficult decision to stop him from seeing him until lockdown is lifted.

I have never done this before we’ve always had close to 50/50 arrangement, never gone to court.

A lot of my friends/family think I’m too soft as he is often late or wants to change the plans at the last moment and has him every weekend.

Ex is a very self centred man and lacks empath, he cannot see my point at all on why I’ve made this decision.

So I’m looking to get some advise about reasonable boundaries to put in place regarding his contact with DS during this period, last night he messaged to ask to speak to him before bed however he was already in bed at that time, so he asked was he asleep, this constant push of boundaries is what I want to stop.

When he was speaking to him yesterday it was a constant barrage of questions and instructions like ‘you should go for a walk, have you done any reading? Show me how many press-ups you can do’

Should I give him time slot and say FaceTime will only happen then? What other tips can people offer? Thanks

Children can travel between parents who are separated during lockdown

Have you communicated clearly with your x that you don’t want him taking your child out and that they should be isolating except for necessity?
Maybe explain that first
Give him a chance to get it right

Tell him if he doesn’t seem able to keep the child safe explain that the consequences Will be that he doesn’t see him

Not seeing him should be the last option. Imagine if he did it to you

If he cannot abide by isolation then you must arrange frequent and reliable access to online and or mobile communication

I did give him a chance and he still did it, even now when he is FaceTiming he’s with his girlfriend who he does not live with. This was the last option.

How frequent?

You have to be really reasonable. Put it in a text message - the reasons why you are having to restrict contact until after the isolation period. Say you explained gave him a chance but he isn’t obeying lock down and you are frightened for your child’s life
Then give him loads of opportunity for FaceTime whatsApp playing games together reading books chatting even doing fitness together

Offer him What you would want if he decided you weren’t being safe
Detail in a message

OP hasn't "decided he's not being safe" if he's taking the ds to meet people and having his gf stay then he is putting the son at risk. That's not an opinion, it's fact.

I do think though that it's not really up to you what they talk about when they FaceTime or talk on the phone. I get that it's irritating but it's his dad after all. If he's calling when ds is already in bed/asleep could you start getting ds to call his dad in good time before bed so the conversation is already done?

At the moment he can FaceTime when ever - he already spoke to him yesterday but I feel some boundaries need to be our in place.

The boundary you put in place is that he cannot facetime your joint child when he's in bed. If your ex asks if your joint child is asleep you simply don't answer.

You are aware you can block and unblock numbers on your mobile phone? So if your ex gets to much block him when your joint child goes to bed and unblock him when your joint child wakes up.

I agree - does ds have a set bedtime? You could tell your ex the bedtime and say he needs half an hour to wind down so latest phone call is say, 7pm

He knows his bedtime he’s bought him back later than it on many occasions and I’ve had to tell him. Earlier this week I told him the time.

I'm surprised by some of the replies here.

So - you can FaceTime him on Monday, Wednesday and Friday (or whatever suits) at x time and read him a story (if age appropriate). I will make sure he is available at those times. If you ring after he is in bed we will not answer.

Very bland response. No justifications.

With my ex I never sent my first reply. And knew that he would use every single work as a stick to beat me with so made my responses very short.

No emotion, no opinion. Bland.

You have 2 issues, contact per se and coronavirus contact.

I would explicitly write to him stating the reasons you've stopped face to face contact. Stating that he has gone against the emergency coronavirus legislation by himself mixing with other households and then doing the same again but with your child. Increasing the risk of him catching the virus. This is unacceptable, illegal and goes against what is deemed Morally acceptable for a parent to do, not acting in your child's best interests.

It's important to record this in black and white, in case at some point he opts for the court route and uses this as part of his "case".

Your options given you currently have 50-50 care, your main options for video calls are every other day or the days that he would usually have contact. I would set a time that is convenient for your household,but not purposely obstructive and inconvenient for him.

Moving forward, I think that you need to review your contact arrangements. Him having every weekend limits your quality contact time, assuming you have weekends off. So maybe you need to opt for more of an ever other weekend approach Friday to Monday drop off at school, then one of you having Monday and Tuesday nights the other Wednesday and Thursday or full weeks. You should if 50-50 both be being responsible for school runs, homework, childcare etc and benefitting from weekend contact.

Good luck.

With regards the video calls, block his number outside of the call time.

If the call becomes inappropriate, then simply end it, block the number until next scheduled call.

I would simply message that 'due to continuous flouting of government guidelines regarding mixing of households i have taken the necessary step to protect our ds and have denied physical contact till restrictions are lifted. In view of this you may facetime/phone every day if you wish between 9am-12pm, 2pm-4pm and 5pm- 6.30pm.' Adjust as necessary, this gives him plenty of hours to engage with him but also avoids meal times and outdoor exercise.

I disagree with @Phillipa12 in suggesting he can call whenever. This is really disruptive and invasive for the op's household.

Yeah I agree that while the communication channels should be left open as much as possible during this time, it can be really disruptive and invasive to have excessive FaceTime calls. My dc get bored after 2 minutes on FT and end up ignoring their dad to watch TV

And yes if he is flouting the rules you should stop contact. I'm finding it difficult enough to let my dc go to another household during all this even when they are isolating. If I knew their dad wasn't taking the rules seriously it would be a flat out no, does he not realise it's your sons life he's risking? Kids have died from this and if he can't protect him then he loses the right to see him. Health and safety should always trump the wants of the parents sorry.

How old is ds? That would lead the contact eg a 4 year old might need a bit of routine, a 12 year old his dad can pretty much just call
Whenever.

You need to give home set times. It's up to you how often. If it's every day have a time convenient to both of you. Such as 4.00.
Say you'll send him 2 pictures a day.
I would really advise getting your arrangement sorted legally after this.
Just be firm.
I also agree that you need evidence of your reasoning. Email or text why you have made the decision explaining you have given him reasonable time to change. Then state what arrangements you're putting in place.

I hate uninvited FaceTime calls anyway. It's like someone just walking in to your living room and when it's an ex it's even worse.

I don't think you can have a say in what's said on the calls but it's definitely okay to set timeframes

I've stopped my son's dad seeing him during lockdown.
He lives in shared accommodation and doesn't take coronavirus seriously. That was all the reason I gave him.

He's aware of my son's bedtime and, like your ex, has taken the piss bringing my son home late on many occasions.

I downloaded WhatsApp on my son's phone so that they can video chat during this time and have told him that they can speak when they like as long as it's not during schooling time or after bed time. If he calls at these times, I just ignore the phone.

You don't have to baby him and explain everything. He's made his choices. Tell him once and then just carry on with your day.

So he did the same last night called while I was getting him to bed and then today made a comment about how ‘very early’ he was going to bed and then comments about what he eats and about how active he is.

DS even told him he was being annoying at one point.

I feel like my parenting is being looked at through a microscope of disapproval.

That's why you tell him nothing you offer a fixed time for him to get in touch, Every day if you are that generous but I honestly think you need one or two days per week off.

Any contact other than the allotted time are completely ignored - you could just block him inbetween.