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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please

29 replies

Romanticsoul · 12/04/2020 22:42

Advice needed. A bit of background story. Met my OH about 15 years ago, when I met him, he told me that his wife left him and that he has 2 children, one was from previous relationship and the 2 mutual. We had lovely relationship for first few years, I am immunocompromised and have been for the last 15 years so there has been times when I have been ill, at the beginning he was very supportive and understanding, no such luck now all he says when I say "I am not feeling well" his answer is "you are always fucking ill", I do have some PTSD issues as well as I have been through some horrendous stuff, anyway while we lived on our own life was good, then his ex said she cannot leave with they child anymore as they don't get on, they daughter was 16 at the time,so he made a decision that she will be leaving with us. I have always made an effort to get on with her but I think she resented me from the start. She has asked him if he would ever get back with her mum in front of me!!! Anyway there has been animosity since she started leaving with us because she doesn't do anything around the house and it pisses me off big time so I tell him and his answer is always the same- "I'll do it no problem" . Fast forward another 5 years and since last October she hasn't been to work and I only found out recently that she stopped giving him the money towards the house, where is I am expected to give the agreed amount no matter,if I am on the sick or not. Now a few days before the lockdown I was told by my doctor that I need to be shieldied for 12 weeks, so I have no choice but to stay in,she was at her boyfriend's at the time and was going to come over with him, I said no so he phoned her and said no, she was screaming and saying it's all my fault, so you can imagine the atmosphere when she got back from his few days later, tomorrow will be 3 weeks since she has seen bf so it's a living nightmare from day one. What do I do as I dont want to end the relationship as I care for him but i no longer can live like that, I cannot say anything to her as there would be blazing argument and he would literally bite my head off I would to upset her. Today was classic she made food for both of them didn't even bother to ask me if I would like some. I feel like I am losing the plot here. And if I say anything all he says is please make an effort, I have been making and effort for the last 15 years how much more of an effort can I make.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 12/04/2020 23:00

Why don’t you make some food for all of you and say “ you know I really wanted some of that x (insert whatever they ate together without you), that you had yesterday but hopefully we’ll all like this”. Passive aggressive but in a friendly tone

Romanticsoul · 12/04/2020 23:11

Thank you LouiseTrees for your advice, I did that few days ago, she didn't want any, so he had some of it

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 12/04/2020 23:13

She’s 21 now right? At some point she’s gotta move out.

Romanticsoul · 12/04/2020 23:20

Yes she is 21. I guess she will be sometime

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WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 12/04/2020 23:23

They both sounds awful. Are you sure you wouldn't be happier on your own?

Romanticsoul · 12/04/2020 23:30

I was thinking that but at the mo I cant go anywhere because of this lockdown and if I say that I will be moving out after lockdown they will make my life a living hell, is bad enough now as it is.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 12/04/2020 23:33

I'd rather leave... this is his daughter.. he will always prioritise her over you ... sorry OP.. Flowers

Romanticsoul · 12/04/2020 23:44

I would never expect him to chosse, I want her to be independent and have a life with him, selfish maybe but then he doesn't want to have children his excuse is I can die and he would be left with a child without me

OP posts:
springydaff · 13/04/2020 00:10

Hang on a minute. He is abusing you - and so is she. It has nothing at all to do with them being father and daughter, they are two bullies regardless of their familial link.

Keep quiet and put up with it. Plan your escape when this is over. I'm sorry this is SO awful but you'd be better off without him (and her) in your life. Because he is a shit.

springydaff · 13/04/2020 00:11

Actually, he is a revolting shit.

Get out as soon as you possibly can. He is vile.

AlwaysCheddar · 13/04/2020 08:54

Leave him. He is the problem.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2020 09:01

She’s acting like a horrible teenager, not an adult woman and that’s his shit parenting. It’s not going to change. Did you want children of your own? Your post suggests you did. And you’ve given that up for a man who’s cruel to you and expects you to be a full time step mum to a spoilt brat. Your life sounds bloody miserable. You should be a team and you’re not. I think you have to leave. You’re not married? Do you both own the house?

Alonelonelyloner · 13/04/2020 09:09

When your child is an adult you absolutely should not be automatically prioritising them over your life partner. This is ridiculous. Even when they are younger, being the child of someone doesn't give you carte blanche to be the centre of their universe!

He is an asshole and so is she.
I know it's hard but make plans for when this lockdown ends. Life is too short.

Romanticsoul · 13/04/2020 09:32

Thank you everyone who messaged, we are not married, he said he would only marry me if I give up smoking( it's a bad habit I know) and I should give up but I will not be blackmailed like that,its always some kind of rules with him. I would love to have a child,I was pregnant when I was with my first bf but unfortunately miscarried. We rent the current house and are both on the contract. I was offered a mortgage from the bank before the lockdown but there was a huge argument when we started looking at the suitable property because he said we will need to consult with her if she will approve , what the house looks like, where is located etc.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2020 09:35

He’s a complete bastard. It’s heartbreaking you’re putting up with so much shit from him. Please consider leaving him and what you need to put in place to do so. You’re worth so much more than being treated like this. Everyone is! Leave him, let him support his bone idle rude horrible adult daughter, he brought her up this way and he can fucking live with it. You don’t have to!

category12 · 13/04/2020 09:41

Fgs, don't have a child with him, don't get married to him. Your relationship is crap, he treats you badly, and escalating the commitment would not change anything.

Do the brave thing and make plans to leave. When the lockdown is over, end the relationship. Make a new start. There are nicer men out there.

Romanticsoul · 13/04/2020 09:46

I know I should, even my best friend saying the same but it's so hard to give up on 15 years of relationship, I always think that maybe he will change. Wishful thinking I guess

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AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2020 09:51

He really won’t. He knows he’s being fucking unreasonable and he knows you’ll put up with it as you always have. Listen to your friend. She knows you, cares about you and wants the best for you.

Look up the dunk costs fallacy. You’ve already put so much in and got so little out. Don’t keep sacrificing yourself and your happiness when he’s showing you day in day out that you’re not his priority.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/04/2020 09:55

You wouldn't be giving up on 15 years of a happy relationship though, would you?

When someone is released after a 15yr prison sentence, nobody says "Oh it's a shame you gave up on prison"...

Keep your powder dry right now. Start planning your exit for once lockdown is over. Get an idea of local rental prices etc. Is your tenancy now on a periodic (usually monthly IME) renewal? If so you should be able to just walk away as long as you give a months notice.

Romanticsoul · 13/04/2020 10:00

I always doubt myself, because he always says to me that I have no empathy towards her and only see my own feelings when I should be seeing hers as well. He makes me feel like I am some horrible cow who doesn't care about anyone but herself, and it's the opposite I love people and would not hesitate for a second if someone needed help. Not sure if I mentioned, I am 15 years younger then him

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category12 · 13/04/2020 10:00

He won't change. He's proved he won't over 15 years. Don't waste more years on him.

Romanticsoul · 13/04/2020 10:14

Our contract is renewed every six months by the agency

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Alonelonelyloner · 13/04/2020 10:30

Better to throw away 15 years of an awful relationship than 16 or 17 or longer.

When you get to 70 will you think, 'oh thank goodness I spent all those decades with a man who didn't care about my needs. How wonderful I managed to achieve a long relationship with him instead of someone else or being happily alone.'

BumbleBeee69 · 13/04/2020 11:24

I was offered a mortgage from the bank before the lockdown but there was a huge argument when we started looking at the suitable property because he said we will need to consult with her if she will approve , what the house looks like, where is located etc.

Leave him OP... this is not a nice man... Flowers

Romanticsoul · 13/04/2020 11:45

Thank you to each and everyone who messaged back. I really appreciate all of your comments and advice.

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