At cross roads, a bit isolated, reality check please

[BaileyBelle]

Hi, Not sure where to start. It's not been great lately with my partner, especially with the lockdown. I think I'm done, ready to move on. We have 2 children, 4 and 6. He shouts at me in front of the children, I asked him many times not to, but he carries on. I diffuse the situation by leaving the room, singing and starting to do something else with the children in the garden or else.

Been together 12 years. Both working, although his job was always 'more important', as 'all I do is sit the whole day at my desk'.. My desk is high pressure and by no means easy. He criticises and mocks me on my driving constantly as I am slowly gaining confidence driving further and further away. Apparently that makes me less of a mother. Talking of which I don't know what it is to be a parent, even though I had two full pregnancies and 1 miscarriage, worked until my 7th months, breastfed both, the second whilst back at work for 5 months, raises them almost single handedly. I do everything for them, he is just there but absent really. When he is home he just spends hours on end on online games, but can't be bothered to find 5min to play with his kids. It saddens me.

He is the most charming man on the outside, a great entertainer and great at establishing rapport with others and he is funny and full of conversation. Everyone loves him, but once at home he needs to 'relax' and withdraws into playing online games, with hardly anything to say to me, or the children. I've had enough.

I know the children are still young, but I can't carry on with the name calling (he's done that too over the years, I had 'f*ckwit' the day after I came back home from my second birth (C section). Apparently that also made me not a 'real mother' because I have not given birth naturally. I can't carry on with the finger pointing and constantly criticising of being lazy, and shouting at me in front of the children. I've had enough. I feel stuck and emotional and deeply sad. I'm just looking for some views really. According to him, I'm too emotional, it's my fault he reacts this way. I created the situation. I know I have not.

You need to split up!

He's abusive and nasty and you and the DC will be so much happier not living with him!!!

What an asshat.

Horrible bully.

He sounds awful. You don't have to put up with this. You and your dc deserve a happy home, free of abuse. You need to split.

I agree with the others, this is belittling and abusive behaviour, he is trying to undermine your confidence on the most important things in your life (career and your identity as a mother). He is also trying to stop you going too far away. This is controlling behaviour. You need to leave and your children deserve to grow up without their mother being treated this way - this is essential for their future happiness in relationships as well. Has he ever been physically abusive to you?

He hasn’t never been physically abusive but I have felt threatened in the past when saying I wanted out. I can easily survive without him financially. In fact I ve always been a higher earner than him. I did guess in the past that it may be an issue with him. He earns well too but had debts from his divorce that took years to repay ( by the way we got together 1 year after his divorce). His experience in parenthood is ‘superior’ to me because’he s been there’. I realise now it was probably too early. He tells me look at the neighbours who argue this is what relationships are. I don’t agree.

thanks Ambe. I can’t believe I am in this situation. All I ever wanted was a normal family, a happy tight unit. I have no family in the U.K. his sister and mother are wonderful, but I can’t share things with them. I don’t know how he will leave. I own my home (mortgaged) which I worked hard for all my life. I never merged finances with him, to keep it clean from his previous debts, name on his ex s mortgage, maintenance payments etc.

You kick him out and get the locks changed.

Well he leaves to go to work, you change the locks, pack his stuff, leave it outside and then tell him by text it's over...

Am I stupid in hoping for a smooth transition? I d rather that for the sake of the children. I just don’t know if I am in denial and can’t see it. Ideally he would find himself something nearby and the children can see him. I would also need to sort out the childcare. I have to travel for work occasionally but not too often ( and not anytime soon).

This is shocking get rid as soon as, I’m appalled at what I’ve just read. Hug.

He is a total prick. Definitely time to kick him out. Good luck 💐

None of us ever plan to end up in these situations :-(. But it unfortunately does happen, what is important is how you handle it from now.

Without being alarmist, people that are controlling don't like losing control and if things are going to escalate, they will escalate when the relationship is ended in a way that is outside of their control.

So I would take care to try and make this as amicable an ending as possible whilst being very clear in your mind and not being talked back into anything you don't want. I don't know how you can do that in your own situation. Can you get his mum and sister on side? Can they put him up? Do you have friends locally? Can you ask him if he is happy and see if you can open the door for him to realise he wants to leave, so he can leave off his own back (and hence feel in control)?

Thank you all for your supportive thoughts.

Ambe - I was thinking of involving his sister as a third party to be present when discussing arrangements to go our separate ways. We are not married and have zero assets in common. It should be straight forward but I agree with you that loosing control will definitely aggravate his behaviour. His divorce was not amicable and unfortunately his oldest is suffering mental health issues now in his early 20s. He, I always thought, is still carrying an amount of guilt. He will not want to be ‘failing’ on another relationship with 2 children yet again. His mother is such a lovely lady, kind, understanding and fair. I would hate to cause her pain. She d do saddened, but that cannot stop me. I have a few friends, not many but good ones. I was also thinking of waiting a few months as I want to complete an online course to give me more career options in the future. I have 5 months to go. Things are more of less manageable as he still travels to work daily, whilst I work from home, whilst homeschooling. I did think s about getting him to understand that if he is not happy with me he should find his own happiness. I want a smooth as possible separation for the sake of the children. If it was just me, that would be much much easier. I just want to spare them witnessing the drama. I know it’s tough.

Im all for keeping going through hard times. But he does sound pretty awful. You need to think of yourself and your children and making a good life. You could use this next few months to finish your course and decide the best path to take. Hope things work out. Put some plans in place before saying anything.

Thanks Viviennemary. I am now completely decided on ending it up. I need to finish this course, I am halfway already and have put a lot of time and energy already and don’t want to act too quickly. We are in separate bedrooms already, 6 months. I just wish that he meets someone and goes within the next months otherwise the plan is to involve his sister. I need to be strong. I can’t believe I am where I am. I am a bit anxious about my life after but not afraid and looking forward to not hearing belittling comments and criticism and arguments. I don’t hate him, I am passed this now.

Baileybelle, that sounds like a well thought out plan. I think in the current situation with lockdown it would be very hard for him to find somewhere else to live so if things can tick over for a few months while you complete your course and plan ahead that sounds a good idea. Obviously if it escalates in any way do not hesitate to act. It's good that he is still out at work. Maybe make sure he has a computer in his room, you know, so he has the chance to look at online dating etc and see how green the grass looks . (I would never normally advocate not being straight up with someone about ending it, btw, but in control situations it is different.)
Good luck, sounds like you have got this and have a good plan

BaileyBelle, what a smart cookie you are! Not merging your finances with his was the best thing you’ve ever done, apart from not marrying this loser.

Keep on withdrawing from him and let him get on with his own laundry etc. Does he contribute anything to the bills?

Thanks Ambe and KittyKattyKate. I did not dawn in until a few days ago how he was undermining me and was controlling. I can see a lot clearer now. Still find it tough but that’s the best course of action. Another bank holiday where he has 10 min for the children and the rest..spent online and whatever stuff, but it s ok because he cooked! Hallelujah! That excuses him from doing anything. How grateful we should be! No many men cook such lovely food. Yes, he contributes to the bills, only after two years or so if being together. He is also picking up childcare costs (breakfast/after school club).