Can he take the kids? Or tell me to go?

[Scarlymama]

Hi all, basically I’m in the situation where I’ve found myself living with the eternal student, I work full time and he is self employed but really barely works. He’s been doing a part time degree for six years but sits in the house all day long doing his essays, I get back from work and the house is untouched, I often have to remind him to shower/ wash his hair. He has just committed to a further 6 years of part time study and I’m basically out. He does do school runs when asked etc though. I am not in love with him any more. He tried to have sex with me every night and when I reject his advances, sulks and huffs and puffs. I’ve not snogged him for more than a year. He doesn’t like me going out with my friends, when we argue he sulks and often cries until I smooth things over. He pays half of the rent and some bills now, at least.
I’ve decided I can’t do this any more and my question is this: when I tell him I don’t want to be in a relationship with him any more, can he a) refuse to leave, tell me to leave instead and keep the children or b) say he is leaving and taking the kids. I’m a primary school teacher and work in the same school as my kids.. any advice would be great! Thanks so much everyone xx

I'm pretty sure he can't take the kids from you unless a court proves he has good reason to! Like you're abusive or neglectful which I'm sure you're not. I'm feeling the same way you are and I'm scared of the same thing, but I'm certain if he tried it and you went to court a judge will go for the mother almost all the time.

Sorry, are you married?

If not and you're renting, then you're in a good position.

Thanks @Cmarie and I’m so sorry you’re in a similar situation. I’m dying just to tell him but lockdown and my uncertainty about this is stopping me..

@MasterCat yes we are renting and not married. I’m hoping he can’t try this stunt.

I think you might have given this info on another thread but to be clear, are you married, is it a joint tenancy and have you got any children at home or are they all at school? Who does school pick ups?

Another six years of study? What the hell is he training to be?!

Ok, so you need to contact the landlord and explain that you want to end the tenancy and start a new tenancy on the same day in your sole name. See if they will agree to do that first. If they do, then you end the tenancy in writing and give him 28 days notice to leave. Once the 28 days is up he'd have to go to court to try to assert his right to live there which given you aren't married he would be unlikely to get.
How would he support himself and the children in a home if he doesn't work??

Ok thanks so much- which thread would you recommend? Not married, renting with joint tenancy, no kids at home both at school, age 7 and 9. I’m a teacher at their school so we share pick up and drop offs.

Whose name is on the tenancy?

Who's account does the money come out of for rent? I had 3 flatmates in succession, both had their names on the lease but the money always came from my account. As long as someone keeps paying them the letting agent isnt fussed who. Can you afford the rent if he moved out?

Is there somewhere else he can go if he moves out (might make it easier to shift him). Eg: parents.

I highly doubt he would take the kids, men just dont tend to do that.

*all

We have a private landlord @Shadowdoor21 and both of our names are on the tenancy- half comes from my bank account and half from his.. I can afford it if he moved out, he could stay with a friend or family..

@CodenameVillanelle would I have to tell him I was ending the joint tenancy?

You'll have to exit the joint tenancy, so that would mean giving notice to quit . Either one of you moves out and the other takes over the tenancy or you both leave and find separate places. england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/how_to_end_a_joint_tenancy

He can't "take the kids" - you'll have to work out what's best for them in terms of access and residency - you may need mediation.

I think he will have to sign a form to say he is leaving if I remember right. So his name can be taken off.

You can end a joint tenancy without his consent but you should tell him