Talking to other women 2 days before baby

[Sadinlockdown]

I really need to get this out and I always lurk mumsnet and you seem to give some good advice.

I've known of this guy for a while as we had mutual friends, we decided to meet up and hit it off straight away. Very early on we had a chat about not seeing or sleeping with any other people. All was great and we both agreed. I fell pregnant only a month in and we felt that keeping the baby was best for us.

We both said we would concentrate on the impressing arrival and our relationship we would see what happened. But nothing changed between us, we got closer. He would introduce me as his girlfriend to people, we spent Christmas, New Years valentines together.

With everything going on with this virus he decided to come and stay at my house a few weeks before giving birth. I saw him message a girl a few times on snapchat but it was right in front of me so I never thought anything of it. The next night I woke up at about 3am to him texting the same girl on snapchat. I pretended to be asleep and saw him messaging another couple of girls just stupid flirty messages. I pretended to wake up and he went on some sports app.

When I confronted him in the morning his first thing was to deny it, then we didn't talk all day. Then he hit me with, he thought we were talking to other people, during my whole pregnancy he thought we were free to do whatever we want wanted. Not sleep with people but to talk to. This was 2 days before I gave birth. I'm absolutely devastated, I feel like he has ruined this precious moment for me. I can't stop crying, he said he understands I'm upset but we need to put the baby first. But I can't think of anything else. He said he wasn't there yet in his feelings for me to not speak to other girls. But you would of never of thought it being with him. I'm just so so sad and he expects me to just be civil and co parent nicely. How can I

I'm so sorry OP, what a shit time. I don't really have any great advice I'm afraid but just wanted to give you a hand hold. I think you need a serious chat with him about how he sees your relationship moving forward and whether he is committed to you. If he's not I'm afraid you will have to go it alone. You deserve more. Good luck

Just ask him plain and simple..
Am I your gf or not?
If you are then it's unacceptable for him to senf flirty msgs to other girls.
If you are not then tell him this set up isn't working for you and you can coparent together but he can go sleep on the sofa/move out (whatever you want), he doesn't get gf benefits without gf commitments.

He HIT you? Honey that's a dealbreaker and you should end it with him

@EKGEMS she means he told her... not hit her, it's a turn of phrase, basically means it felt like a slap to the face not actually being slapped.

Agree with PP... ask if you're his GF if not then he needs to move out on into the couch and if you are they it's totally unacceptable behaviour.

Thank you Emotionalflood for explaining

Very early on we had a chat about not seeing or sleeping with any other people

I would say this implies that you're not going to flirt/chat with other people in that way either, as that is usually as a prelude to something else.

I would take his comments that you never said you wouldn't chat to people as just him trying to get away with it. You're having his baby and he's currently living with you FFS. x

What does he want to do now? And what do you want to do now?

It seems like carrying on ‘talking’ to other people is just ‘I’ll keep on looking until something better comes along’.

Don’t let him think you are in any way being unreasonable. He is completely out of order.

YABU to have a baby with someone after 1 month of being together and then complain it doesn’t turn out the way you want it.

You choose this bed. Lay in it.

"I fell pregnant only a month in and we felt that keeping the baby was best for us"

Well this was your first mistake. You barely know this guy. Honestly, I despair of people sometimes.

He said he wasn't there yet in his feelings for me to not speak to other girls. But you would of never of thought it being with him. I'm just so so sad

I'm sorry to say he is not committed to you despite the baby. He is a dead loss and if you carry on living with him he will continue to disapoint you.

A month is far too early to even live together never mind have a baby.

get rid of him now and don't put his name on the birth certificate or this will all descend into a collossal mess.

How helpful other posters to point out OP’s choice to not end the pregnancy after the baby has been born. What constructive advice you have given.

OP my friend got pregnant on a first date and they’ve now been together 5 years so it can work out but unfortunately I don’t think this is one of those cases.

Let’s give him the benefit of doubt and say he thought he had an open relationship with the person who is 9 months pregnant with his child. He’s lying down next to you in your bed messaging these girls - he’s a pig and co parenting doesn’t have to be under the same house. Kick him out and set up a timetable for him to visit your newborn on a weekly basis.

I'm well aware that it was less than ideal circumstances. We even had the chat that we would just co-parent and not have a relationship. He said no to that idea. I know deep down he's not committed and if he wanted to be he would or by now. I'm just sad because if I never saw what he did, he would of still been just as affectionate. Boggles my mind that people can do that.

With everything going on with the virus, he's brought all his stuff to help out with the baby. So it's very difficult being stuck in the same house day in day out.

Based in your latest post, I think what he wanted was for YOU to not talk ot date other blokes, cause u are carrying HIS baby and no one is allowed close to you. But he wanted to be free to see what is out there and explore his options 😡

Banish him to the sofa and just act like mates who coparent. He either commits to a relationship or doesn't get relationship benefits.

This happened to me op only it was 3 months into our relationship he had cancer as teenager and had his sperm banked and didnt think he could conceive naturally. It was the only time in my youth I was reckless and didnt use protection, I ended up pregnant at 20 in my third year at uni. By the time DS first birthday passed a few later he left me turns out he had been cheating behind my back with his ex gf, god knows what he had been doing behind my back throughout the relationship. Be prepared to be a single parent op.

He's gas lighting you. You're having a baby together,you are together, and he thinks it would be normal to messaging other women? I take it you've been under the impression that you two are in a relationship as he is acting like you're I'm a relationship? If so, then you're in a relationship and his excuses are simply that: excuses. What a worm. You're better off without someone like this.

I think what he wanted was for YOU to not talk ot date other blokes, cause u are carrying HIS baby and no one is allowed close to you.

In fairness, I don’t think any “bloke” is gagging at the opportunity to date a preganant woman.

OP, I wish you the best. I hope you and the father of your child can work out a way to parent effectively.

@Fantasiaa

Actually some guys have a fettish for pregnant women, others just like the sex cause they know they can't get the woman pregnant 😂

Doesn't change the fact that the guy wanted her to not chat to others, while he flirted with any girl that crossed his path

With everything going on with the virus, he's brought all his stuff to help out with the baby.

He loves his baby, he is not in love with you.

Is this really surprising? Considering you got pregnant only a month into your relationship. If I was you, I be focusing on my baby and how to co parent effectively.

Him messaging girls (not "other girls", you are not a "girl" you are the mother of his baby).. you have 3 options.

1. Him doing this is not acceptable to you - kick him out and prepare to be a single parent.

1. You believe his lies or are desperate to make it work- carry on as you are. Be sure to post on MN every few months to moan about him but never take any advice on board.

1. Him doing this is acceptable to you. You accept this is what he is doing and will continue to do. You carry on and make a life together. Maybe you start messaging men or maybe you get some hobbies. Who knows!

My bet is on 2. See you again soon!

The OP is just about to have a baby. To give birth for the first time. Let alone in lockdown. Let alone with the father, however new a relationship, being one foot in, one sort of out.

I completely understand why she wants the other adult with her.

OP, the main thing now is you and the baby. You are preparing yourself emotionally for the birth. Him supporting you. I don't think this is the moment to get bogged down or distracted by details of what the exact nature of your relationship is going to turn out to be with him. That isn't a helpful or sensible focus right now.

One thing is totally solid: he is this baby's father. He's come into lockdown with you. He's there for the birth. You guys need to be on the same side for this. You need it. You need him to be there for you.

Yes you could do it alone. But it's your first time and I think that it sounds like he's been there for you so far, so it will be better to do this together.

Personally I think you should sit down and talk to him. Move on from getting upset - because as you've freely admitted, this is a back to front way of getting together - neither of you can be immediately committed just because of the baby. But at the same time, you are in a vulnerable position right now and of course have grown to depend on him to some extent.

I would tell him nothing matters right now but the birth and baby, so can you both focus on that and support each other, and not worry about the specific definition of your relationship apart from that you are parents.

You need to be on the same side going into this.