Best Friend ditched me.... am I in the wrong?

[tattiehat]

I know I've been a pretty crap friend but unsure if I've been so bad that I deserve to be totally ditched.

Known my best friend for over 20 years, for more than 10 of these we've not been living close by, even lost touch for a few years as she was working overseas. When we got back in touch we were pretty close, as you can be when you don't live close to each other.

She became distant (not really sending messages and any replies to my messages were very short) around a year ago.

I recently found out that she'd been through a tough time last year, I don't know the details only the basics but she hasn't reached out to me about this, I only found this out recently.

I reached out to her recently when a family member was seriously ill and she was supportive.

She sent me a message a few days ago saying that she felt our friendship was over and that I hadn't been there for her over the last year and basically that she couldn't forgive me for that.

I feel so bad that I wasn't there for her but at the same time how could I be when I didn't know what she was going through? I know if I'd been a better friend then maybe I would've known possibly if I'd been in touch more.....

I feel so confused and conflicted, she's my best friend (or was) and I will miss having that close person that I can talk to when I need.

I don't really know why in writing this, I guess I want to know if I've been a really shitty friend, if so I will hang my head in shame

Well, she had an equal part to play in keeping up contact. If you weren't responding to messages from her or never asked about her life, then maybe you're a shit friend, but otherwise it sounds like she's choosing to blame you for whatever reason/perception of her own.

Did she ever mention anything was wrong even just in passing? Did you see her in person during that time? If so how did she seem? Did you really have no idea anything was up in her life at all?

You have two choices:

1. Tell her you're sorry and try to reconnect, it could be she's giving you one more opportunity to be there for her otherwise she'd just ghost you.

1. Draw a line under it and move on, sometimes friendships don't last forever.

Well, the phones work in both directions. She could have called you for support.

Sounds like you were keeping in touch, but she never mentioned that she was going through a tough time. You're not telepathic.

I guess you could try messaging her to say that you're sorry you weren't there for her during her problems, but that was because you had no idea that she was having any problems. And if you'd been told about her troubles then you would have tried to be more supportive. And you hope things are going better for her now; please reach out to me if you need any help. (Just in case there is some misunderstanding, where she thinks she told you about it or a message didn't get through.)

She became distant (not really sending messages and any replies to my messages were very short) around a year ago.

And did you ask her how she was/if things were ok?

I know from experience that often when you're in the middle of a problem you don't always have the emotional energy to reach out and update people, and sometimes need them to reach out.

You clearly noticed a change in her behaviour - did you check that she was ok or what the problem was to cause that change?

Thanks all.

Really had no idea that she was having a hard time. Haven't seen her for over a year, last time I visited the area (in Jan this year) seeing family I sent a general message which included asking to meet up, she replied to the general content but didn't respond about meeting up, I didn't chase her up on it.

The thing is I'm gonna be moving soon so will be much nearer and I feel so sad that she won't be part of my life.

I did respond to her message to say that I was really sorry if I wasn't there for her and that I honestly didn't know she was having a hard time.

I absolutely hold my hands up that I could've been a better friend and that I should have been in touch more. I guess having a family and working FT that time flies by.... excuses!

Sadly I know that this is the end as once she's made her mind up that's it, she's very stubborn and doesn't speak with her family even though they've reached out to try to make amends she has refused.

Well it sounds like it's her issue, not yours, if she regularly cuts people out of her life. It's not fair that she didn't give you a chance to support her. And it sounds like she's been flakey too so in no way is the blame placed solely on you. If you want to let her know how you feel you should but tbh I think she's the one who made this awkward.

OP I know someone who does this.
Seethes about their ‘so called friends’ for not keeping up enough contact (whilst refusing to reach out themselves because it’s always them that has to do the chasing)

Then writing a long email full of ‘after everything we’ve been through’ and ‘after all I’ve done for you’ etc.

To me that’s not what a true friend is, it’s pretty selfish.

Friendships don’t usually need to be ended like this, if they aren’t going to last they will fizzle out naturally.

I think these people worry that this is what’s happening and need to get in first to be in control of the friendship ending, making sure it doesn’t look like it’s them to blame. Not unlike what happens when a marriage ends badly.

I also think these people end up losing good friends from their lives who otherwise would have migrated back for another chapter of the friendship, sad really.

It is sad but I think I have to accept that's it done, time to move on.

I appreciate the responses, I felt a bit anxious, trying to evaluate messages I received and sent to see if I'd missed something but I couldn't see anything obvious.

I know I could have communicated more but as a PP said it's a two way street.

Thanks again 🙂