Cheated on and abandoned, long story

[Nev85]

Hi,

This is a bit of a long story but almost 2 years ago I found out that my fiance and partner of 15 years was seeing someone from work. We had just built a new house together and were planning on getting married. We had always been the couple people thought would be together forever. He told me it was a friendship.and swore the same to his family. I asked him to move home while we talked and tried to work through things and he did. During the summer of 2018 he moved back home and I though things were on the right track even though my gut couldn't really trust him. He said all the right things, he loved me, wanted a family with me, I was the love of his life, she was an escape, but he didnt seem to be the same person.

Fast forward to september 2018 and to cut a long story short, i found out that he was still seeing her, was on the way to a 4 day family wedding with her when i confronted him. They had been sleeping together the whole time, she has 3 kids with another man and is older.

After that confrontation, he went to the wedding!! Said he wanted to marry her and have kids with her. When he came back he text regularly to talk, I couldn't, I was broken. He came to our home while I wasnt there and took his things. It was 2 months before I had the courage to meet him. He said he wanted to come home to me all the time, wanted a family with me, his life had no purpose, he would kill to be with me etc.

I wanted so much to.take him back but the trust was completely broken, I asked him to get help, to move home to his parents...he had moved straight in with her after that wedding!! I hoped he would sort himself out and show me that but it didnt seem to be happening. I got one text after that talk and no more. His family couldn't understand what was going on with him.

I found out from bank statements that he stole all the money from our joint account so contacted a solicitor and got the ball moving on trying to buy his half of our home. I didnt earn as much and it was going to be really difficult to take on everything but I didnt want him selling my home too or moving in with her and her children. I offered him every bit of money he put into the house, through the solicitor. This was rejected, he wanted double that! I never would have thought he could be so cruel. I was so fair even though I was devastated, my life ripped out from under me and him living with another woman and her 3 kids. Eventually I had to get a new job, help from family and sell some things to pay him the extortionate amount for the house.

I then found out through an updated WhatsApp picture that he had married her in the meantime...within a year of begging me to come home. I found out from bank statements that he bought the ring 5 days after begging me to come home!

I am devastated...I miss him so much, I miss our life, I cant believe the lies, betrayal, stealing, cruelty, how much of a coward he turned out to be. I have tried very hard to move on and make a new life for myself but I find it hard when I think that 15 years could mean so little and he moved on without a second thought for me or the horrible situation he put me in.

I know this is very long and really is the tip of the iceberg as far as his lies and betrayal go but I was just hopi g for some suppport and advice...thank you.

I would look into getting some therapy, someone to talk this through with.

You should be thanking your lucky stars that you didn't settle down and have a family...

I had a relationship that ended along similar lines to yours. It was 7 years before I was able to get involved with anybody else. I spent a long time constantly going over the detail of our relationship, the hurt, the cruelty, the depth of deception and that he had had my "baby years".I remember thinking at the time that if the pain he had caused was physical he would have been prosecuted. Later, I was able to question why I was unable to stop trying to analyse and constantly thinking about everything. I realised it was because I thought that if I kept it clear and "fresh" in my head, I would be more alert to it happening again in the future. At the time a colleague remarked that she had never known anybody so heartboken. I saw that same colleague 20 years later and we talked about it, and it made me (and her) cry again all those years later.
People say something like this makes you stronger, I don't think that is true but I know I learned so much about myself and I think that is positive. You will never forget this but eventually it will all be a long time ago.
Incidentally the first man I dated 7 years later because my husband. He is a thoroughly descent man. We have been married 12 years.
I wish you well.

I get where you’re coming from OP with your comment about him leaving you for an older woman with kids. For him to take on someone else’s dc and also face the possibility that she might not want more children, is a big thing. Compared to what he was leaving. Currently you have earned the right to be as bitter and derogatory as you want to be as that’s part of the healing process - being angry with him. One thing you should be thankful for is that this has happened before you had DCs with him yourself. At least the break from him can be a clean one with no future contact with him needed. Ever.

Oh OP. You know what, all that pain and destruction wasn't so he could have a better life, it was so you could. But you need to embrace the chance to live tbat life. You've been freed from a weak and selfish man

@soannya thank you for your message...I started to see a counsellor in november after I found out he got married...it felt like the right time to start talking to.someone. I have to admit, I've found it difficult and wasnt sure I was seeing a huge benefit but I will continue when the lockdown is over...sometimes after my session I would by chance pass him in traffic after work which was unbearable. I kept thinking, you're just driving home to your family and I'm devastated and pouring myself out to a counsellor trying to get over being cheated on and left!

@user764329056 I'm sorry that you had such a devastating betrayal and to lose a best friend aswell...I hope you are doing much better now without those 2 people in your life